11:11 AM
HAPPY 2017!
So thankful to put 2016 behind me. I want to start my year positive and upbeat, but I'm still feeling so sad. I know Aspen is with us, he's been coming to our friend Joanna in Colorado A LOT! Ever since Aspen's accident, a new dimension has opened for her. She has had several spirits come to her, including her dad, grandma and some of her neighbor's parents. She is thankful for this new gift and has even unlocked some of the key messages Rebecca Rosen shared during our first reading. She mentioned a Michael and none of us could figure out who she was referencing. Joanna figured it out. It was my cousin Michael who was a stepson to my uncle Al. They are both with Aspen. Joanna has mentioned so many things that she would never have known. Clint almost wiping out on ice a few weeks ago, he talked about Ava playing under the table at his birthday party, which she was. Joanna was not there and would not have known that. He mentioned that grandma cries on the couch, which she does daily. Aspen came to Joanna again on New Year's Eve and told her that "My mommy is really sad and God and I want to help her start healing." I asked her how I'm supposed to start healing when the pain of missing him is just so intense. Unfortunately, she could only answer "I know honey, I know." No amount of therapy, reading, journaling, or blogging is going to really give me what I want. I just want him back with me. I want to hold him again and never let him go. I know it's time for me to face reality and be thankful that at least I have been given a gift of these messages and I am grateful for this. I want him to continue to come to Joanna and to us as often as possible. He's been coming to Clint too, but it's different. Clint can hear his voice, and he is searching in a sea of people to get to him, but then he wakes up and can't catch his breath. You see we are all searching for you Aspen. We continue searching and will never stop even if you just visit for a short time, we will take anything you will give us. Aspen has been visiting me while I'm sleeping. It starts with a firefly kind of whirling light. I tell him how happy I am that he is with me and to stay with me always. I love when he comes to me. It provides me a bit of peace, if only for a short time. It's something. I went to bed the other night at 7:30. Clint made fun of me the next day because of it. Part of it is I am emotionally spent, but honestly the other part of it is that I want Aspen to visit. I want to feel his presence.
When Joanna called on New Year's Day, she mentioned the possibility of Aspen being reincarnated. I immediately started crying. If he's reincarnated, that means he wouldn't come to us ever again. Joanna reassured me that Aspen was a special spirit and that I shouldn't worry about this right now. Focus on his visits and live in the moment. Selfishly I do not want him to be reincarnated, unless it's through a new baby that we can raise. That would be such an incredible miracle, especially if I could have my Aspy back physically somehow.
January is a big month for our family. I started IVF medication in December and will continue it until our embryo transfer which is tentatively scheduled for the January 23rd. If we transfer on the 23rd, my due date would be 11/11/17. I'm giving it up to God. I know he has a plan for us. I pray that plan includes a new healthy baby. Our family deserves something to look forward to! I pray for strength to get through this journey as sanely as possible. The drugs have so many unpleasant side effects. It comes with an emotional and physical toll on my body, but it's all worth it in the end if we are blessed with a baby. I'm putting my warrior hat on and going to take on this journey with courage and hope for a new chapter.
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