Finding My Muchness
8:19 AM
much·ness
adjective
:the joy, the spark of light and positivity that fuels our days, our imaginations, our individuality and confidence.
noun
:really sparkly, inspiring & happy-making stuff.
As I continue on this path of darkness, I find myself searching for light. A glimmer, anything other than darkness. Simple things that most people take for granted. Taking a shower every day (I've only missed 2 since Aspen's accident, which I'm pretty proud of), being cheerful in the morning for Jenner before he goes to school, working at school so Jenner feels my presence, calling Clint a few times a day just to tell him how much I love him and feel blessed to have him in my life, taking Jenner to his various practices, attending his games, getting back into our normal bedroom routine of reading books and saying prayers and spending time with friends and family. I am always searching for light.
I came across a blog the other day written by a woman who lost her identical twin girls at 24 weeks. She wrote about how she felt like she lost her joy and her spark of light. I started thinking about what it was that was making things so dark for me, other than the obvious of losing our precious angel. After some soul searching, I realized, not only did I lose the love of my life, but I lost a piece of myself. My inner sparkle. Yesterday was quite possibly my most difficult day yet. Mondays are always bad for me, so it wasn't anything out of the norm, but yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I mustered the strength to get to school - I volunteer on Monday's in the library. I could barely hold it together and spent most of my time, hiding tears from the kids and Barb (Miss DeFreece). I ended up making her cry a good majority of my time there, which made me extra sad. I left the building in tears and cried the entire way home. It's weird how things happen; how people know. My friends Krissy and Kelli called me just shortly after I arrived home from school. I was of course, CRYING! They spent time comforting me, asking if I wanted to meet them for coffee, lunch, a walk, whatever. It made my heart feel so good to have these amazing friends trying to help me over another hurdle of darkness, but yesterday, I just could not get the energy to do anything. I wanted to wallow in my pain. I went out to get the mail and my sweet neighbor and my former 4th grade teacher (Miss Olmsted/Roxanne Lowenstein) from Skyline Elementary, was driving down the street and stopped. She told me she just wanted to give me a hug. She spent time in between hugs, sharing her journey of losing their 18 month old grandchild, 8 years ago. She told me of the painful road her son and daughter-in-law have trekked and how they have gotten through it. One day at a time. It became clear to me, that these people have been brought into my life for a purpose. To deliver messages, Heaven sent to give me hope that my world is not ending even if it feels like it is. I need to have hope and faith that God will get me through these dark days. Somehow, I will get to the other side of this excruciating pain. The pain will never be totally gone, but it will lessen over time.
I made it through the rest of the day with little focus, doing insignificant things like paying a bill, or unloading the dishwasher. I closed my evening reading a book that a friend and former client (Bill Witt) sent to me, called Tear Soup. Bill lost his oldest son and knew first hand the pain. The minute he learned of Aspen's passing he knew I would be in the depths of the worst pain and sorrow imaginable, trying to get through each day. There was an excerpt from the book that particularly resonated with me... "And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive." Even after my worst day yet, I survived. I made it through another day.
I made it through the rest of the day with little focus, doing insignificant things like paying a bill, or unloading the dishwasher. I closed my evening reading a book that a friend and former client (Bill Witt) sent to me, called Tear Soup. Bill lost his oldest son and knew first hand the pain. The minute he learned of Aspen's passing he knew I would be in the depths of the worst pain and sorrow imaginable, trying to get through each day. There was an excerpt from the book that particularly resonated with me... "And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive." Even after my worst day yet, I survived. I made it through another day.
When I woke up this morning, I just felt like I needed to change direction. I need to find myself again. How was I going to make this happen when everything seems so dark? I thought of the girl and her "Muchness" blog. She suffered loss and has somehow risen to the challenge to get her sparkle back and I can to. So today, my friends is Day 1 of my "Muchness Challenge". I'm going to find my sparkle again! And my first assignment is in the books! Cheers to 30 days of Muchness!!
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12 comments
Way to go girl. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteAwww. Thank you Anne. XOXO
DeleteI love this post and I can imagine Aspen does too!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jodie. Thanks for all you've done to honor our sweet boy!!! ❤️
DeleteI agree with Jodie! Lots of love sent your way!
ReplyDeleteLove you JoJo. Would love to see you guys next time we are in Denver.
Deleteso much love....
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to adequately thank you for this emotional outlet! What a gift! I love you Gina! ❤️❤️❤️
DeleteKeep writing, you are healing yourself. This is you reaching deep down and surviving & becoming the light to guide others!
ReplyDeleteThanks Carmen!!! I'm trying with every fiber of my being! 💚
DeleteSo happy for you! May you sparkle brighter than ever ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kelly!!! 💚
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