The Heart of a Warrior
12:07 PM
I woke up feeling especially weak this morning. Mondays always seem to be difficult for me. I think it's the reality of Clint going back to work and Jenner being back at school. Leaving me in this house alone with my thoughts. Well, not completely alone - I have Skye. He lays under my feet as I work at my desk. He is my new partner in crime. Obviously nothing can ever replace Aspy. We were the perfect pair, but Skye is gentle and sweet and loves to cuddle; just like Aspen did. He knows when I'm sad. He puts his face on my lap and tries to get as close to me a possible. Just like Aspen used to do.
In the midst of tears this morning, the phone rang. I saw "CCRM" come up on the screen so I knew I had to pick-up. CCRM stands for Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine. CCRM is world-renowned. They are the best. People travel from all over the world to see their doctors. They have very strict testing requirements to even allow you to be a patient at their clinic. This is to ensure their success rates remain the highest in the world. As many of our close friends know, that's where Aspen was conceived after 4 failed IVFs here locally. And since that transfer in 2012, we've had 5 embryos sitting in a freezer. Ironically, I've spent the past 2 years begging Clint to let us try for another baby. It's actually been a pretty big source of contention in our marriage. He was "good" with two. I told him if he just let me try for another baby, I would take on everything, changing diapers, feedings, sleepless nights - I would happily do it all. I told him I'd even sign a contract. There was no way in my mind, I wouldn't be able to convince him to try for our 3rd baby. I set up a conference call with Dr. Schoolcraft back in October. We talked at length about Aspen and what an amazing child he was. I had it in my mind that we were going to start moving forward in January. Anyone who has been through infertility knows, the process is daunting. The drugs, the shots, the toll it takes on your body and mind, the roller coaster ride of emotions. The waiting game and the potential disappointment. It's a very grueling road. But I wanted another baby more than anything. There is no bigger miracle and joy in life than a child. I just needed to figure out a way to get Clint on board. How could he not, we had the perfect family and Jenner and Aspen loved each other more than words could adequately describe. Jenner and Aspen begged Clint to let us try for another baby. I'd ask them if they wanted a brother or a sister and they would both answer "we want a brother and a sister". If life were only that easy! January came and went as did each month that followed, with looming indecision. That is until that day in June when Aspen went to be with God. The day Aspen died, Clint came to me and said, "I will support you in trying to have another baby - let's do it". What's crazy to me is that I spent 2 years begging for another baby because I loved my life so much and I just wanted more. I cherished every moment with my kids and just felt I had so much more love to give. I knew there was something pushing me to fight for the opportunity to have one more. I just didn't realize it would be because our sweet angel would not be here with us. Looking back, I would trade every time I begged and pleaded with Clint for "one more", if I could only have Aspen back. He was my absolute. My everything. Our friends all knew how much I wanted another baby. Being a mom has been by far my greatest accomplishment of my life. It's what I live for. I didn't think I was being selfish asking for another. I just loved my job so much - I just wanted more.
Clint and I set up a meeting with CCRM in July for our work-up. Our entire day was consumed with testing and meetings. All went well with the exception of the last test of the day which showed I would need surgery to remove some scar tissue from Aspen's birth. I could feel the wave of disappointment hit me as Dr. Schoolcraft shared the news that I would need to come back in August for surgery and then wait 6 weeks to heal. Then back for a follow-up test to ensure all healed properly. What I didn't realize, is that after experiencing trauma like we faced with Aspen's drowning, they recommend waiting 6 months to do a transfer. I spoke with Joanna today who is the clinic psychologist. I spent most of our conversation in tears just because that's what I do. I cry. I cry a lot. I was so worried she was going to tell me that given my emotional state, we should wait until next Spring. I shared with her that it was my goal to do a transfer in December because it is Aspen's Birthday month. I feel in my heart that there is something symbolic about doing a transfer in honor of him on or around his Birthday. Maybe I think God will be more likely to bless us with some good news if we do the transfer during Aspen's Birthday month. I don't know - I'm just grasping for hope. I could hear the sadness in Joanna's voice. I knew she would help me. I know she heard the pain, yet hope in my crackling voice today. I know she's part of my support squad. I felt better somehow after our conversation. I had hope. After Joanna and I hung up, I went to the CCRM Support Facebook Page as I do a few times a day. It's a page that is just for patients. Doctors and nurses from CCRM do not have access. It's a safe place for patients to share their infertility journey, ask questions, compare stories and seek support from others who know all too well, how difficult the quest to have a baby can be. Just when I don't feel like I have the strength to get through my day, much less take on the IVF process, I receive a sign. Someone posted a picture of a t-shirt that just arrived the day before her calendar was set to begin. It made me ask myself, "Do I have the heart of a warrior?" I think I have the heart of a warrior. Not every day, of course. No one does. My warrior heart was earned. It was not something I was born with, it was something that has grown from tragedy and despair. I know in my warrior heart, that I have to put in the time and effort and the extremely difficult work to get to the other side of this pain. To get through yet another IVF. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to get to the other side; trauma therapy, counseling, Yoga, Pilates, meditation, reading grief books, blogging and taking baby steps doing things I used to enjoy with Aspen. It's a painful process, but I'm trying. The path is not easy, but nothing is when the reward is so great. All I can do is work on my inner warrior and push through each day so eventually I will get to the other side. If only there was a fast track.
Per aspera ad astra!
Per aspera ad astra!
4 comments
You of ALL people can do this. I have been saying to you for a long time u r a worrier. With God, anything is possible. With faith, Love will find a Way. You can do this and I will be here to support u forever my warrior sister. Love u to the moon.
ReplyDeleteI would say you have a heart of a warrior no doubt! As I read this post, and thought about your conversation with Joanna, all I kept thinking was this lady will know December would be perfect and acceptable. Though your pain is raw, you are handling it in a much healthier way than those who withdraw or go into denial. Your verbalizing shows strength, courage and a warriors heart and spirit. I will pray for CCRM to allow you to move forward and make your dream conceivable ������
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your sweet words!!!! We will know tomorrow what they recommend.
DeleteYou have the heart of the warrior absolutely 💚 Praying for you everyday. So proud of you for sharing your journey and "feeling" everything you need to in order to grieve appropriately 💚 Love you Lisa!
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