I've actually been doing pretty well these past few weeks given that my focus had shifted and I put all my energy and hope into going to Denver for our embryo transfer. The trip always makes me think about the first trek we made in April, 2012, for our first retrieval and embryo transfer. I remember the anticipation and hope given CCRM was the best in the world, but also remember the pressure of this being our last try. That was Clint's decision, not mine. I would have done 1,000 IVFs to get a baby. Whatever it took, I knew I wanted more kids. This trip to Colorado brought back a flood of emotion for both of us. We tried to mix it up, but it was clear that Aspen was weighing heavily on our minds. How could he not be - he always is, but this is where his short life began. I put on my best face for our transfer day - I didn't want the doctor to somehow change his mind on doing the transfer if I seemed too unstable to cope. I think the acupuncture before and after, and the valium of course, helped me get through Monday. I spent the next 2 days on complete bed rest. I honestly slept the entire first day and night. I was exhausted. Probably emotionally, but I'm sure the valium probably didn't help or did help, however you want to look at it. Tuesday, Clint and I watched movies while I ate white birthday cake - I had been craving it since I left our transfer. We left Wednesday to come home. I was missing my Jenner so much! I hate missing his basketball and soccer games and honestly, any minute of his life, especially now that I realize how fleeting and precious time really is.
I've been catching up today on bills, laundry and just trying to occupy my thoughts doing what I do best, organizing. That's what I do when I'm anxious. I get made fun of a lot for it. If we have a tornado watch, I clean drawers, label stuff than honestly does not need to be labeled, etc.. It helps me feel like I'm in control of something. I guess it could be worse. I could choose a different vice I guess. I actually thought to myself today, I feel a little less depressed than I had been over the holidays. But then when I really think about it, that's not saying much given I was at the lowest of the low over Christmas and New Year's. I haven't cried as much and I feel a sense of excitement as each day passes. Excitement and anticipation as we get closer to going in for my blood test to find out if we are pregnant. I realize I may not be, but I'm doing everything in my power to be positive and focus on holding that baby.
Tonight, Jenner was taking a bath and proceeded to have a water fight with Skye. Skye lost of course. There was water everywhere, but mainly on Skye. I decided to take this opportunity to dry and brush him since he hadn't been to the groomer in awhile. Then it hit me like a gunshot, right in my heart and stomach all at the same time. This is where I used to put Aspen's diaper and jammies on after he got out of the bathtub with Jenner. This is where that little stinker would try to run from me so he wouldn't have to put clothes on. He loved to be naked! The memories came flooding back like it was yesterday. I pictured him squirming and holding whatever little trinket he decided to take into his bath. It could have been chapstick, or a train or a measuring cup. You just never knew with him. I immediately lost it and started crying from the depths of my soul. I miss him so much and I want him back more than anything. A new baby is not going to fix my pain. I know this, but I know in my heart that I will never take one second for granted - ever again. If I could only have my Aspy back, I would hold him forever and never let him go. Clint came in when he heard me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I just had a flashback of my sweet Aspen laying here on the rug. He told me that he had a dream about Aspen last night. I asked about what and he just said that he was in the water. I knew I didn't want to know, but I felt like I needed to ask. "What was he doing," I asked. He said, "He was in the water and I was trying to get to him, but I couldn't." This is our life now. Constant flashbacks. Some good, some horrific. I guess I should be thankful that mine tonight was a happy flashback even thought the flood of emotions that it brings, takes me down! What I'm realizing through this journey is that we had so many happy memories that outweighed any negative memories and I was so lucky to have 3 /12 years with this amazing little boy. I feel so blessed to have been his mommy albeit for a short time. I was still HIS mommy! I pray to God that he gives us a new beginning and a new baby that I can love, and chase around and cherish the way I cherished Aspen. And although I know flashbacks come with the territory, I pray that my days are filled with more good flashbacks than bad.
This is a day I've been waiting for longer than I care to admit. We are finally here. After what seems like 1,000 tests, doctor's appointments, counseling sessions, trauma therapy, lots of motivational books, medical releases and support groups, we are HERE! I'm going to do my best to give it up to God. After all, I have no control. The universe has proven this to me. I will continue to have faith in God that he will carry us and hopefully bring us a rainbow baby that we so desperately want. My dream boards made the trip with us, I'm wearing my lucky shirts and socks I have every piece of jewelry that has been given to me since Aspen's passing, along with every motivational item I've been given. Now preparing for acupuncture and then our embryo transfer followed by more acupuncture and then 48 hours of bed rest in Denver before we make the trek back to Omaha. I have so much hope in my heart - trying to keep my spirits up and focus on the end result. Today marks 7 months and 1 day since we lost our precious angel. We have been in Denver 3 out of the 7 times on the anniversary of his passing all in pursuit of having another baby. I hope you are with us Aspen bringing us good vibes for a new brother or sister for Jenner. Jenner misses you so much and talks about you a lot. Although I know that you can never be replaced, I just know that would bring all of us a new beginning and a new life full of hope. Even though the past 7 months have been my darkest days, I still believe in miracles! We appreciate continued prayers as we take this journey.
When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.
Now you don't have a word to call this kind
Of the year made you new and beg it to turn you right
Two dead birds underneath the headlights
Every sound they ever made to call out they are alive
Every piece of me that breaks tryin' to keep from the sight
Of doubt
Of the year made you new and beg it to turn you right
Two dead birds underneath the headlights
Every sound they ever made to call out they are alive
Every piece of me that breaks tryin' to keep from the sight
Of doubt
Don't you doubt
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your breath is breathin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your breath is breathin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Thin wind ringin' in the silver tines
Yeah it took you by the throat but it wasn't the killin' kind
Now you don't tell it like you used to
Every day left in the dark is gonna come back to you
Every hope left in your heart is waitin' on what you'll do
With doubt
Yeah it took you by the throat but it wasn't the killin' kind
Now you don't tell it like you used to
Every day left in the dark is gonna come back to you
Every hope left in your heart is waitin' on what you'll do
With doubt
Don't you doubt
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your blood is beatin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your blood is beatin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Doubt
The reasons are dead and they're growin' in the ground so why does it give why'd it take
Why to've been kissed
Why be mean why be anything
Just be the man, be the child, be the cold midnight soaked in the bones of this town
In the breath in the pink
In the honey taken from that green thing given sweet
In the cold in the pour
In the want in the wantin' the sound even your own body knows
All there is
See the gem
Your hands are lined with all that they ever have
Doubt
The reasons are dead and they're growin' in the ground so why does it give why'd it take
Why to've been kissed
Why be mean why be anything
Just be the man, be the child, be the cold midnight soaked in the bones of this town
In the breath in the pink
In the honey taken from that green thing given sweet
In the cold in the pour
In the want in the wantin' the sound even your own body knows
All there is
See the gem
Your hands are lined with all that they ever have
- Blind Pilot
Wow 2016 was crazy wild!
I told sir (God) that I needed to slow down as I am still a small child.
Sir agreed and said this next year would be much more mild.
In December I got to be an elf and sit on some shelves,
that way I could make sure Ava and Jenner were behaving themselves.
There was a huge party to celebrate my becoming four,
there was Santa, clowns, games, food and so much more.
Everyone was having fun and realized this was a special thing,
That was until my Aunt Marla got up to sing.
On my birthday sir made sure I had ice cream and cake.
The cake was good but not as good as mommy would bake.
So many people stopped to wish me well and just say hi,
Jeremy and Pastor Don also stopped by.
I saw the firemen and Alley the dog at Jenner's school.
Findley and I laughed and thought that was really cool.
I saw mommy on TV later that night,
I thought she did good she handled it right.
On Christmas Eve and Christmas day I saw my family with presents and love to share.
There on the was were stockings hung with care,
including one that even had my name.
I hid so Santa could not see me when he came.
He filled all the stockings with toys and treats.
I saw my Grandpa sneaking away with some of my sweets.
I watched as you laughed at a silly game you would play
It was fun a very special day.
Later I would smile as I heard all of you pray.
Grandpa I was telling my friends some of the goofy things you do and the stories you tell,
many thought you were crazy in the head you might not be well.
Some even suggested you get professional care,
but I told them that is just him being my Grandpa Lar.
Some of you have seen some type of sign.
So keep on looking it will most likely be mine.
I wish you the best for the coming year.
No more sadness not a single tear.
This year all of you will be healthy and safe that I know to be true,
because I am your Angel and that is what I do.
Aspen Drake Seemann
- LHN 1/14/2017
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
Left
And here on earth everything thing is different
There's an emptiness
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope your singing in the the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
Left
And here on earth everything thing is different
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope your dancing in the sky
And I hope your singing in the the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Since you arrived
- Dani & Lizzy
Many of you will resolve to start a new positive habit in 2017. Adding good habits can be fun, but unfortunately (most of the time), they don't work. Approximately 38 percent of Americans will make resolutions, and only 8 percent will succeed.
Instead of adding a new diet or workout regime, let's remove the negative habits that have been holding you back.
Here we go:
1. Kill your habit of checking social media during the workday.
Social media platforms are masters of making you stay there. Getting lost in Facebook can be fun, but it's counterproductive during the day--especially while you're trying to build that presentation for your investors.
Now that we're on the subject, turn off the notifications on your phone, too. You can check your Snaps on your break.
2. Kill your habit of thinking it's all about you.
Your frowning boss isn't conspiring to fire you, as much as the cashier isn't giggling about your tie. They're thinking about themselves, and their own problems. Not you. I promise.
It's not about you. So cut it out. Run on that assumption when dealing with every human interaction in your life, and you'll be much happier.
3. Kill your habit of multitasking.
Science tells us that only 2 percent of us can really multitask. So don't try. Try this instead: When attempting to get something off your to-do list, shut down every browser and app on your screen except for the ones you need.
Otherwise, you'll get notifications for LinkedIn requests, Facebook Live posts, and tweets. A never-ending stream of distraction. So shut down everything except the program you need, and finally get things done.
4. Kill your habit of comparing yourself with everyone.
You will never win this game. There will always be someone smarter, better looking, richer, and (seemingly) happier. Always. Focus on yourself, your mindset, your health, the state of your being, and you'll win.
5. Kill your habit of complaining.
It's just not worth it. Be aware of the words that come out of your mouth. They affect you and the people around you.
Speak of good things, and more good things happen. Speak of negative things, and more negative things happen. Simple.
6. Kill your habit of wasting time with negative people.
If they don't love and support you, get rid of them. You don't have to shout, kick, and scream. Just stop being available to them. They won't notice. They're too self-centered to care.
7. Kill your habit of taking or organizing long and unnecessary meetings.
Less meeting means more doing. We're all adults. Take the meeting, do what you need to do, and go and do it. You can still be social, and have fun, and succeed in making meetings more efficient.
Try this in your next meeting. Set an agenda. As you run through the agenda, go around the room and have everyone share:
- What they're working on.
- What they've completed.
- What they need in order to complete what they're still working on.
It works, I promise. You'll shave half an hour off your meeting time.
8. Kill your habit of saying yes.
You may think you don't have enough time. You do. You just spend your time doing the wrong things.
Stop saying yes to everything. Embrace no. Love no. No is your word for 2017. Love it, live it, and use it.
9. Kill your habit of self-loathing thoughts and beliefs.
Enough is enough. You are good at what you do. You have it in you. If you can't silence that voice in your head, begin a regimen of meditation. If you need some quick wins to feel good about yourself, write three things you want to change this year. Right now. Go ahead; I'll wait.
Congratulations. You took the first step. Feel that little endorphin release in your brain? That's what you're looking for. Keep doing that, and you'll break that habit and create a new one. A habit where you actually get things done. Go--do things.
10. Kill your habit of sitting.
Get off your backside. Run, exercise, move. But stop sitting. Oh, and get a standing desk while you're at it.
11. Kill your habit of underachieving.
You're better than this. You have more in you, and you're not getting any younger. Start that business. Resign from that horrible job. Do it now. The only thing stopping you is you. Not your family, not your bank account.
12. Kill your habit of bragging about your resolutions before they happen.
Your brain thinks you've accomplished them when you announce them to the world. Stop that. This TED Talk helps to explain the phenomenon.
13. Kill your habit of creating excuses.
While you're at it, kill the habit of creating reasons. They're just excuses with lipstick on.
14. Kill your habit of reality TV, celebrity gossip, etc.
You're an adult; this shouldn't be a part of your entertainment. It's junk food for your brain. Feels great at first, but there is always a negative mental consequence.
15. Kill your habit of obsessing over doomsday scenarios.
It's good to have some healthy skepticism, but pessimists don't change the world, motivate people, or come up with innovative ideas. They only bring the people around them down.
16. Kill your habit of obsessing over things outside of your control.
Focus your time, energy, and resources on improving yourself. You can control everything you put in your body, think about, and do. Master yourself and become ruler of your universe.
17. Kill your habit of making sure everything is perfect.
It ain't happening. Ever. This is just a complicated form of procrastination. Which is a deeper manifestation of your fear. Get out of your own way, and let it rip.
Written by:
Just before Christmas, my sweet friend Monica lost her father unexpectedly. She is devastated and so is her sweet son. I'm attaching a video that she sent me today showing her son opening the gift from our foundation we've set up in Aspen's memory. This makes my heart so happy to be helping other families who are dealing with a loss, tragedy or personal illness. We will continue to touch as many people as possible. Our foundation is different. It is a grass roots effort created from undying love for our angel, Aspen. Our hope is that we will touch individuals and hopefully help comfort them in some way during their own personal journey through loss, tragedy or illness. Thank you to all who have donated to our cause! We will make a difference in this world with your help! Please feel free to email me at aspendrake@cox.net if you know of someone who could benefit from an Aspen's Angels care package. Please include their name, address along with pertinent information about their story so that I can send age and gender appropriate items in the care package.
Guess I wasn't the best one to ask
Me myself with my face pressed
Up against love's glass
To see the shiny toy I've been hoping for
The one I never can afford
The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her
Up against love's glass
To see the shiny toy I've been hoping for
The one I never can afford
The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her
I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one there will be two
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one there will be two
I was born under the sign of cancer (love will come to you)
Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer (love will come)
And I'm always closing my eyes and wishing I'm fine (I close my eyes and wish you fine)
Even though I know I'm not this time (even though I know your not this time)
Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer (love will come)
And I'm always closing my eyes and wishing I'm fine (I close my eyes and wish you fine)
Even though I know I'm not this time (even though I know your not this time)
And I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one there will be two
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one there will be two
Dodging your memories a field of knives
Always on the outside looking in on other's lives
Always on the outside looking in on other's lives
I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through (I have offered up to you)
Where there's now one there will be two
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through (I have offered up to you)
Where there's now one there will be two
And I wish her insight to battle love's blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters
- Indigo Girls
I have been down 4 days and counting with the stomach flu. For some reason, all I kept thinking was, "Why me God." After all I've been dealing with, especially over Christmas and New Years living in a state of the utter most despair, I never knew possible, and now the flu? To top it off, our basement flooded for the second time in 2 years. The exact same damage, this time from something out of our control, but are you kidding me?!? Can we catch a break? I literally feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment. Riding on what little energy I have to keep me crawling into one minute to the next.
I am on the edge of grief where the sharpness feels like I'm literally bleeding internally. It is pain that is indescribable. It compresses every organ, so much that I feel like I'm slowly dying. It becomes hard to breathe and honestly, sometimes, the pain is so great, I wish God would just take me too. I don't want to leave my family and friends, and I would never purposely choose that path, but that's how excruciating it is - it cuts to the core like shards of glass. I went from being a girl, very afraid of death, to now someone who is no longer afraid, especially if it means reuniting with Aspen and my loved ones. I want to live life to the fullest while I'm here and the grief is standing in my way like the Great Wall of China. I have no energy, I have little drive or motivation even to complete small tasks like laundry, dishes and keeping the house clean. I think the flu was a set back I didn't see coming. I was already emotionally exhausted from the sadness of Aspen's Birthday and the holidays, but then to have the flu take me down on top of it, and having our basement flood in the midst of it all. It is all just too much. I am literally in the tidal wave of grief. I can feel it. The flooding of emotion that just hits you out of nowhere even when you don't have a shred of energy left. Tears flow with so much pain. I still have hope and thankfully when I'm feeling like there literally is no light at the end of my tunnel, I read an excerpt from a book, or hear from a friend and my spark reignites, although ever so faint, it's there. And I take a breath and keep going.
***
There's a metaphor that speaks to the healing borne from brokenness:
When you break a glass on the floor, you have to be careful when you clean it up. The glass is sharp, so as you pick it up, piece by piece, you have to go slowly and touch the glass cautiously. Even the slightest encounter with it can pierce your skin. The shards are harsh and the edges cut deeply.
Now imagine that those pieces of glass have been thrown into the ocean. They are at the mercy of the current. At times, the ocean roars with forceful waves, and the glass is tossed and thrown along with the rocks and sand. At other times, the ocean is gentle, and lulls the glass, another storm hits, and the glass is pushed by the force of the currents. At some point, the ocean quiets, and the flow is again soft. The waves flow, like inhalation and exhalation, as they arrive at the shore and hug the sand.
There you are on a sunny day, walking along the seashore. Just in front of you, amid pebbles and periwinkle shells, is a piece of sea glass. You bend down to pick it up, marveling at your good fortune. You hold it in your hands, feeling its smoothness and the places where it has a slight ridge. You can rub it on all sides because the edges have become smooth, and you can hold it in your hand without fear of injury. Holding it feels fortifying and strengthening.
We seek these brilliant pieces of sea glass because they echo the beauty of survival, resiliency, and hope. With tenderness and love, you hold the sea glass and learn its unique features. Once the edges were jagged and sharp, but now, through the combination of adversity and time, the edges are softly rounded. The glass is beautiful, precious and whole.
That is how grief can change, and these are the edges of grief. When we hold pieces of sea glass, we hold what was part of something painful to touch. After glass is tossed in the ocean of life, it becomes stronger. Each piece we find tells us that we, too, are treasures. We, too, can grow stronger from our grief.
- From the book "Spark Seekers Mourning with Meaning Living with Light" written by Rabbi Baruch HaLevi
HAPPY 2017!
So thankful to put 2016 behind me. I want to start my year positive and upbeat, but I'm still feeling so sad. I know Aspen is with us, he's been coming to our friend Joanna in Colorado A LOT! Ever since Aspen's accident, a new dimension has opened for her. She has had several spirits come to her, including her dad, grandma and some of her neighbor's parents. She is thankful for this new gift and has even unlocked some of the key messages Rebecca Rosen shared during our first reading. She mentioned a Michael and none of us could figure out who she was referencing. Joanna figured it out. It was my cousin Michael who was a stepson to my uncle Al. They are both with Aspen. Joanna has mentioned so many things that she would never have known. Clint almost wiping out on ice a few weeks ago, he talked about Ava playing under the table at his birthday party, which she was. Joanna was not there and would not have known that. He mentioned that grandma cries on the couch, which she does daily. Aspen came to Joanna again on New Year's Eve and told her that "My mommy is really sad and God and I want to help her start healing." I asked her how I'm supposed to start healing when the pain of missing him is just so intense. Unfortunately, she could only answer "I know honey, I know." No amount of therapy, reading, journaling, or blogging is going to really give me what I want. I just want him back with me. I want to hold him again and never let him go. I know it's time for me to face reality and be thankful that at least I have been given a gift of these messages and I am grateful for this. I want him to continue to come to Joanna and to us as often as possible. He's been coming to Clint too, but it's different. Clint can hear his voice, and he is searching in a sea of people to get to him, but then he wakes up and can't catch his breath. You see we are all searching for you Aspen. We continue searching and will never stop even if you just visit for a short time, we will take anything you will give us. Aspen has been visiting me while I'm sleeping. It starts with a firefly kind of whirling light. I tell him how happy I am that he is with me and to stay with me always. I love when he comes to me. It provides me a bit of peace, if only for a short time. It's something. I went to bed the other night at 7:30. Clint made fun of me the next day because of it. Part of it is I am emotionally spent, but honestly the other part of it is that I want Aspen to visit. I want to feel his presence.
When Joanna called on New Year's Day, she mentioned the possibility of Aspen being reincarnated. I immediately started crying. If he's reincarnated, that means he wouldn't come to us ever again. Joanna reassured me that Aspen was a special spirit and that I shouldn't worry about this right now. Focus on his visits and live in the moment. Selfishly I do not want him to be reincarnated, unless it's through a new baby that we can raise. That would be such an incredible miracle, especially if I could have my Aspy back physically somehow.
January is a big month for our family. I started IVF medication in December and will continue it until our embryo transfer which is tentatively scheduled for the January 23rd. If we transfer on the 23rd, my due date would be 11/11/17. I'm giving it up to God. I know he has a plan for us. I pray that plan includes a new healthy baby. Our family deserves something to look forward to! I pray for strength to get through this journey as sanely as possible. The drugs have so many unpleasant side effects. It comes with an emotional and physical toll on my body, but it's all worth it in the end if we are blessed with a baby. I'm putting my warrior hat on and going to take on this journey with courage and hope for a new chapter.
