The Flashback
9:10 PM
I've actually been doing pretty well these past few weeks given that my focus had shifted and I put all my energy and hope into going to Denver for our embryo transfer. The trip always makes me think about the first trek we made in April, 2012, for our first retrieval and embryo transfer. I remember the anticipation and hope given CCRM was the best in the world, but also remember the pressure of this being our last try. That was Clint's decision, not mine. I would have done 1,000 IVFs to get a baby. Whatever it took, I knew I wanted more kids. This trip to Colorado brought back a flood of emotion for both of us. We tried to mix it up, but it was clear that Aspen was weighing heavily on our minds. How could he not be - he always is, but this is where his short life began. I put on my best face for our transfer day - I didn't want the doctor to somehow change his mind on doing the transfer if I seemed too unstable to cope. I think the acupuncture before and after, and the valium of course, helped me get through Monday. I spent the next 2 days on complete bed rest. I honestly slept the entire first day and night. I was exhausted. Probably emotionally, but I'm sure the valium probably didn't help or did help, however you want to look at it. Tuesday, Clint and I watched movies while I ate white birthday cake - I had been craving it since I left our transfer. We left Wednesday to come home. I was missing my Jenner so much! I hate missing his basketball and soccer games and honestly, any minute of his life, especially now that I realize how fleeting and precious time really is.
I've been catching up today on bills, laundry and just trying to occupy my thoughts doing what I do best, organizing. That's what I do when I'm anxious. I get made fun of a lot for it. If we have a tornado watch, I clean drawers, label stuff than honestly does not need to be labeled, etc.. It helps me feel like I'm in control of something. I guess it could be worse. I could choose a different vice I guess. I actually thought to myself today, I feel a little less depressed than I had been over the holidays. But then when I really think about it, that's not saying much given I was at the lowest of the low over Christmas and New Year's. I haven't cried as much and I feel a sense of excitement as each day passes. Excitement and anticipation as we get closer to going in for my blood test to find out if we are pregnant. I realize I may not be, but I'm doing everything in my power to be positive and focus on holding that baby.
Tonight, Jenner was taking a bath and proceeded to have a water fight with Skye. Skye lost of course. There was water everywhere, but mainly on Skye. I decided to take this opportunity to dry and brush him since he hadn't been to the groomer in awhile. Then it hit me like a gunshot, right in my heart and stomach all at the same time. This is where I used to put Aspen's diaper and jammies on after he got out of the bathtub with Jenner. This is where that little stinker would try to run from me so he wouldn't have to put clothes on. He loved to be naked! The memories came flooding back like it was yesterday. I pictured him squirming and holding whatever little trinket he decided to take into his bath. It could have been chapstick, or a train or a measuring cup. You just never knew with him. I immediately lost it and started crying from the depths of my soul. I miss him so much and I want him back more than anything. A new baby is not going to fix my pain. I know this, but I know in my heart that I will never take one second for granted - ever again. If I could only have my Aspy back, I would hold him forever and never let him go. Clint came in when he heard me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I just had a flashback of my sweet Aspen laying here on the rug. He told me that he had a dream about Aspen last night. I asked about what and he just said that he was in the water. I knew I didn't want to know, but I felt like I needed to ask. "What was he doing," I asked. He said, "He was in the water and I was trying to get to him, but I couldn't." This is our life now. Constant flashbacks. Some good, some horrific. I guess I should be thankful that mine tonight was a happy flashback even thought the flood of emotions that it brings, takes me down! What I'm realizing through this journey is that we had so many happy memories that outweighed any negative memories and I was so lucky to have 3 /12 years with this amazing little boy. I feel so blessed to have been his mommy albeit for a short time. I was still HIS mommy! I pray to God that he gives us a new beginning and a new baby that I can love, and chase around and cherish the way I cherished Aspen. And although I know flashbacks come with the territory, I pray that my days are filled with more good flashbacks than bad.
2 comments
Unimaginable! The pain! We continue to pray for you! Keep writing, keep praying and keep hoping.
ReplyDeleteAlways in my heart and praying for you and your family that you get pregnant and although like you stated a new baby never will replace Aspen, your family so deserve all the excitement and joy a new baby brings.
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