“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering 'it will be happier'...”
― Alfred Tennyson
“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”
― Brad Paisley
“A bridge of silver wings stretches from the dead ashes of an unforgiving nightmare
to the jeweled vision of a life started anew.”
― Aberjhani, Journey through the Power of the Rainbow
“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."
― T.S. Eliot
“May light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your hurts turn to healing;
Your heart embrace feeling.
May wounds become wisdom;
Every kindness a prism.
May laughter infect you;
Your passion resurrect you.
May goodness inspire
your deepest desires.
Through all that you reach for,
May your arms never tire.”
― D. Simone
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”
― Edith Lovejoy Pierce
“New Year - a new chapter, new verse, or just the same old story ? Ultimately we write it. The choice is ours.”
― Alex Morritt, Impromptu ScribebRING
“As the old year retires and a new one is born, we commit into the hands of our Creator the happenings of the past year and ask for direction and guidance in the new one. May He grant us His grace, His tranquility and His wisdom!”
― Peggy Toney Horton
I have been waiting for this day to come for so long now. 2017 cannot get here fast enough. 2016 has been filled with so much personal tragedy and heartache I just can't take another minute of this stupid year! As my family has suffered, it has also been a year of suffering for so many people that I know. Loss of precious children, parents, grandparents siblings and friends. New cancer diagnosis', an entire local family perishing in a house fire, newly diagnosed diseases, mass shootings, ISIS, plane crashes. This year has rocked my word like nothing ever has. I question everything and feel a complete loss of security. It is the most helpless feeling in the world. I have slipped into what I've been trying to avoid since Aspen's accident - complete depression. Christmas took me down like I never could have expected. It was far worse than Aspen's birthday, which I still cannot believe, but it is lingering. It is not going away. I want to feel hope again and I thought that this day would bring that for me. New Year's Eve. A new beginning for our family. Hope for a new chapter in this nightmare of a book that will be forever known as the worst year of my life. Perhaps a new baby that will have Aspen's eyes and amazing personality. I want to find the strength to pull myself out of this quicksand of despair and find light to guide me into the new year. I'm praying to God and Aspen and anyone who will listen, PLEASE bring our family peace and light for 2017 and beyond. We all deserve the heaviness to lift at least a little and begin a new chapter filled with hope.
I'm giving it my everything - picking myself up, dusting myself off and plunging into the New Year with as much hope as I can muster. Focusing on the positive and leaving the negative behind. Bring on 2017!
Wishing all of my family and friends a blessed 2017!
I have now spent ten difficult holidays without my late husband, and eight heartbreaking holidays without my son. The first few holidays after their loss were so painful that I don’t remember much about them, other than I quickly understood that the holidays would never be the same. Holidays became something I dreaded and had to get through, rather than something I celebrated and enjoyed.
So, why am I still surprised a decade later, when my mostly healed heart, breaks back open during the holidays like clockwork? Just what is it about the holidays that brings the pain of our loss back to the forefront of our hearts? And how can we be more prepared to deal with the unexpected pain?
Our society puts a lot of money, emotion, and time, into the winter holidays. Holidays are advertised as joyous occasions where we gather together and celebrate with family and friends. Everywhere you look there are reminders that the holidays are the ‘most wonderful time of the year.’ But, after loss, holidays don’t feel so wonderful anymore. In fact, they can be downright debilitating.
The reality is that there are very few times during the year where our loved one’s absence is more deeply felt, and mourned, than during the holidays.
We need to give ourselves a break during the holidays and recognize that:
This. Is. Hard.
Society sends us the message that we are supposed to be joyful and that the holidays are a time for celebration and connecting with people we love. But, all we know is that we feel worse than ever. Nothing seems to take away the empty feeling in the pit of our stomachs and the ache in our hearts. We are required to show up to family gatherings, with a vital part of our family missing, and pretend that we are fine.
We are not fine.
We are grieving the fact that our loved one will never be a part of our family celebrations again. The reminder of our loss is never as obvious as when we are surrounded by our extended family and friends, their family’s are whole and together. Our family has an obvious vacant spot and will never be whole without our missing loved one.
Just as the death of our loved one changed the way we look at life, the holidays will never be the same again without them there by our side.
All of these emotions and feelings can be rather confusing and catch us by surprise. While we know that we feel broken during the holidays, we don’t fully understand why our pain is increasing during a time when everyone else is happy and seems to be enjoying themselves. Family and friends around us don’t understand either, and they may feel uncomfortable being around our pain while they are trying to celebrate.
All of these holiday-induced emotions combine with our already fragile hearts to worsen our guilt, pain, and feelings of loneliness, putting us into an emotional fog that makes it difficult to find our way through the holiday. So, we stumble through the holiday blindly, hoping that we come out on the other side with our hearts still in one piece.
I am finally coming to the conclusion that holidays will always be difficult, whether one year, ten years, or two decades after my loved ones died. This is the reality we must learn to live with. We will always miss them. We need to do a better job of being more aware that the holidays are a trigger for our grief, and find ways to take special care of our wounded hearts during the holidays.
Here are some suggestions that helped me get through the holidays:
1. Be kind and patient with yourself. Know that you don’t have to do the hard work of healing during the holidays, you just have to get through them. We will pick back up on working to heal our grief after the holidays. Understand that it is okay to be sad. You are in pain. The pain cuts deep. We can’t move through the pain until we’ve honored the emotions that demand to be felt.
2. Listen to what your body and your emotions are telling you. I tried to ignore these feelings of loss and sadness, and focus on the festivities. But, when I ignore my emotions my physical body sends me a reminder that, ultimately, I’m not the one in control. My body will shut itself down, making me feel physically ill and it will take days for me to recover my physical strength. Listen to the cues your body is sending you and acknowledge your emotions.
3. Look for activities and/or people that bring you some happiness. When I was in the trenches of grief, I found joy spending time with my two year old niece. Her infectious and innocent joy in life made me feel happy. Spending time with her was more effective than any antidepressant could have been.
4. Avoid the urge to isolate yourself. Loved ones may not understand the pain you’re going through, but they still want to try to support you.
5. Don’t overextend yourself physically or emotionally. You will find that you can’t do as much as you could before. That is okay. Your priority needs to be doing damage control and protecting your emotional and physical health as much as possible.
6. Learn that it’s okay to say no. Some people won’t understand, and you need to know that this is not your problem. You can’t control what other people think or feel. Your priority must shift to caring for yourself.
7. Find someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling. If there is no one, journal your thoughts. Sometimes writing the thoughts down on a piece of paper allows them to escape from our heads and provides some emotional relief when we are feeling overwhelmed.
8. Sometimes volunteering or helping someone else in need can bring joy to our broken hearts. If you find joy in giving, find a way to balance giving to others in need, without draining yourself physically or emotionally.
9. Remember the beautiful holidays you were blessed to share with your loved ones before they died. What amazing gifts you were given. Remember and honor these times. Life is about adjusting to change. You can still find blessings in this holiday, and in future holidays. Look for those blessings.
Give yourself a gift by taking care of yourself this holiday.
Remember, it is okay to grieve, even if others are celebrating. Find the balance of honoring your emotions and recognizing the blessings that are still right in front of you, waiting to be cherished. You can get through this holiday.
Sending you strength and blessings to help you get through these difficult days.
Today marks 6 months since you left us to be with God. I
know it sounds crazy, but I still can’t believe you’re really gone. My heart
just can’t take the raw pain that comes with thinking about it. I miss you so
much sweet boy and some days I wonder how I’m going to get through another
minute without you, much less a lifetime. You have touched so many lives in
your short time here and I know that only an amazing soul like yours was meant
for more. God had a plan for you and I see so much good, has already taken
place because of you. People want to be better because of you. People are less
likely to take things for granted because of you. People are stopping to enjoy
the moment more because of you. I am
grateful for this, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. We are approaching
Christmas and I can feel the heaviness that is surrounding us knowing we
somehow have to navigate this first without your excitement, without your
laughter, without you period. We need to get through this for Jenner. He deserves to experience the same magic you
both shared for 3 years together. It sounds like an impossible ask, but buddy,
please, please, please show us that you are with us. Show us that you’ll always
be with us. I miss you so much Aspy and I
hope you can give Jesus a special “happy birthday” song from all of us here.
Only He knows what the future brings. I pray that 2017 is less painful and
comes with a glimmer of hope for brighter days ahead. I pray that God gives us the blessing of a
new baby that has your eyes and your charisma. I know there is nothing that
will ever replace you, but to be able to hold and love another child would be
nothing short of the most beautiful miracle I could ever imagine. Please bring us extra blessings for the
upcoming year! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ANGEL! Mommy wrote you a little note on your first Heavenly Birthday. I feel like there is so much I want you to know and so much I want to say, but sometimes, the pain just overtakes me and I can't articulate my feelings adequately. Please know that as time passes, I will continue to write to you. I think for now, the main takeaway is I simply want you to know what an impact you've made on me in your short time here. You changed me and made me want to be a
My First Letter to Aspen
Hi sweet boy! I’ve
been thinking about the right time to write to you. As you probably know, I’ve
been so sad, and I didn’t want make my first letter to you depressing. I know
you’ve been around and I know you’ve been visiting several friends and family
lately. It makes me so happy when I hear about your visits and although I’ve
only seen you in a few of my dreams, it makes me so happy when you come to me. You
see, I think I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that I will never be able
to physically hold you in my arms again, and that you are in a better place. This
brings me peace, but it doesn’t change the pain of not being able to watch you
grow and become the person I can now only envision in my mind. Jenner and I see
the tricks you play trying to get our attention. We love it and want you to
visit as often as possible.
I sit here thinking back to our infertility journey and how
hard I fought to have you. I want you to know, every second of the journey was
worth the short amount of time I was able to have you in my life. You were
mommy’s everything buddy!! You still are. And Jenner and Daddy, of course. I miss
your amazing smile and your contagious laugh. You were one-of-a-kind and
nothing will ever replace you. You are forever embedded in my heart and my soul
sweet boy. Nothing will ever change that. I hope you hear me when I talk to
you. I just want us to be connected like we once were. We were inseparable and
had a love that was perfect. I want you to celebrate your first Heavenly
Birthday with us today knowing 4 years ago today, was the happiest day of my
life. You made everything worth it. The complete joy you provided me is the
worth the pain I’m suffering now. I’m trying to redirect my grief and do things
to help others in your memory. I want to make you proud of me, but I need your
help. Please bring mommy strength and courage to continue in this life without
you. I want Jenner to feel safe again. I want him to feel joy and laughter like
he knew when you were with him. I want daddy’s pain to ease. I want our family
to feel some peace. Looking forward to a new year filled with some hope and some light to help the darkness break.
I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
- Hilary Scott
Losing my aim losing time
And after ten in the morning I find
It matters
But it's all right this time
Pulls from the tether to rise
And shatters
Caught in the wind far and wide
It scatters
If I hear the call
Of the lorelei
No I will not fallIt's all right this time
Never patterns
But for the loss of things
Gaining
Catching up with me
And these ladders
Rising and endlessly
Leading nowhere I can see
If I hear them cry
That it's killing time
No I will not fight
It's all right this time
- Toad the Wet Sprocket
There are things you aren't told, when someone you love dies. Details are the places that catch you in the undertow of grief, pull you off balance and leave you sputtering in pain:
1) No one told me that fresh graves subside with rain and look like an earth quake hit them. It is very disturbing to go visit and find that the earth shifted and his grave sunk 6 inches below the level of the ground.
2) The marker/grave stone takes months and months to come in. In the mean time, I hate the feeling of his grave being unmarked. It feeds my fears of him being forgotten.
3) Receiving a hospital bill is a punch in the gut, every time. Not because of having to pay it. But because it's beyond the hardest thing you can imagine, to read all of the procedures and tests they did on him, all of the machines he got hooked up to, all of the stuff they had to pump into him, while he was dying. And then they attach a number to each one, as if to say, that is how much his life was worth. It re-traumatizes every time I see his name attached to one of those documents. More than one bill has been thrown across this house, in the throws of agony and pain from flashbacks and the feeling of his dignity and worth being stripped, line item by line item.
4) The pain gets worse as time goes on. Not better. Healing doesn't start once the funeral is over. The grief, through the first year anyway, gets bigger and bigger, as more and more time passes since you last saw them, held them, watched them live. And then there are all of the "firsts" without them and they happen every single, relentless day.
5) The echos of them are everywhere you go and in everything you do. They are torture, for years. I'm told they become happier reminders at some point, but it's a lot farther down the track than you are led to believe it will be when the unthinkable is still only theoretical.
6) If one is completely honest, in the trenches of this kind of loss, you don't feel like rejoicing that they are in Heaven. I'm sorry. It's the truth. Although you know they are and you can be thankful for it, you are still left to live for an undetermined amount of time, in the ever continuing pain and widening abyss of their absence and the crushing weight of that is far too heavy to even imagine.
You are, however, somehow expected to rise above that debilitating agony and rejoice daily. It's unfair and ridiculous and Lala-landish.
Just a few of those "small" details one isn't told about. I'm sure there will be more, as time continues to move forward.
Written by Christi Brown
Written by Christi Brown
ASPEN’S 1ST HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION (DECEMBER 2, 2016)
We were joined by close family and friends to celebrate Aspen’s life and his first Heavenly Birthday on December 2, 2016. The party started after school with Jenner’s third grade classmates which included inflatables, games, face painting, balloon twisters, and a visit from Santa. The kids enjoyed green cotton candy, Aspen’s favorite treat (Winnie the Pooh Slushies), green snow cones, popcorn, sliders, mini hotdogs, pretzel bites, and a candy station with a Paw Patrol cake.
The evening party included close family and friends for adults only. Where Aspen’s favorite band from Okoboji played (Kiefer Brandt and Scott Larsen). We served a specialty cocktail (Aspen's Angel Martini) which was hand crafted by none other than Kris Ryan. At 11:11pm, we sang Happy Birthday to Aspen and made a wish, and then blew angel feathers with sparkles to Heaven. It was a very special evening filled with love.
When you lose a child, you lose your illusion of safety. You lose your illusion of having control over any situation, ever again. You lose your sense of security. You lose your understanding of how the world should work. You lose any sense of hopes and dreams for the future. You lose the feeling of order. Life is chaos.
All of these things are stolen from you in that one moment, when your child leaves you.
Your faith is stripped back and tossed aside, bleeding and bare.
It takes God, to find your faith again and begin building new muscle on its' bones, with His hope and peace. It takes God, to lay the new flesh of His security and safety in your life. It takes God, to lift your faith out of the pit of hopeless mud it has become trapped in and give it His wings, built with order and wisdom. It takes God's breath, to carry those wings to new hope and new dreams for the future.
It takes a really long time and it takes a really long journey. It's not an ah-ha moment that makes everything better at the end of the half hour, like we see on TV. The re-building doesn't get completed the instant you call out to Him. The re-building is slow, and painful and often brutally scary.
But as it is with healing of any kind, there is pain that has to be walked through first, to be able to find your strength in Him again.
God, walk me through this pain, because I can not walk it alone. And please, I beg of you, show me, in every step, that you are by my side.
Written by Christi Brown
