The SIGN
12:53 PM
My poor Jenner. He is the silent, forgotten mourner. No wonder he doesn't want to talk about Aspen or visit the cemetery. The other day we were getting his haircut and the lady asked him if he had any brothers or sisters. He answered "No, but I have a dog." My heart sank. Does he really think he doesn't have a brother? Did he permanently erase Aspen from his memory? Is this a normal way for a child to respond to a question like that? He did go on to say, "but my mom and dad are trying to have a baby," which I thought was a little forthcoming given she was a complete stranger he had never met. I could see him declaring such a statement to his PE Teacher and Soccer coach as he did last time we were in Colorado, but not to some random person he had never met. It really broke my heart to think he has somehow written off the memories, and is moving forward claiming not to have a sibling. I must be doing this all wrong! It didn't ever cross my mind that he could forget his brother. How could he? We try and talk about him all the time, our house is littered with pictures of him and our family. Jenner doesn't act that way when he's with us. As a matter of fact, he orders for Aspen when we go out for dinner, he makes me move my purse out of the chair, and states, "Aspen's sitting there" and he will talk about the funny things Aspen used to do. He surely hasn't forgotten him. We have been diligent about making sure we take him to trauma therapy every week, to Ted E. Bear Hollow events, schedule meetings with his school counselor and check in with his teacher periodically to make sure he's acting somewhat normal at school. We have tried to create as much normalcy as possible by keeping him involved in sports and our usual activities. What am I missing?
I sat down at my desk yesterday to begin my day and realized that right below the pinwheel that has been taped to my computer since Aspen's funeral, was a piece of art that had not been there the day before. This handcrafted masterpiece was like a beacon. A sign from my sweet Jenner. No words or conversation necessary. He feels forgotten. He feels like all the focus has been and continues to be on Aspen. It is his way of saying, "Mom, I'm still here - I'm still alive." I literally felt sick. My sweet baby feels like he doesn't belong. How in the world could I have missed this? How did I not know he felt this way? He has been forced to become the silent, forgotten mourner. He fears seeing us breakdown, so it's best that he pretends Aspen never was part of our family, at least to strangers apparently. If he would have brought up Aspen's passing, I would have most likely began to cry and that's exactly what Jenner does not want to see - me sad. I get it now buddy! I read your sign loud and clear! You need to be our focus 110%. You are the living angel. Our angel Aspen is gone. Physically anyway, he is no longer with us. I opened Facebook not long after I found the sign and an excerpt from a "Grieving Parent's" page I am a part of came up. Christi lost her son Judah a month ago in a drowning accident. She has 5 other children, and shared a conversation she had with her 12 year old that struck me at the absolutely perfect time. Here's what she wrote:
Ethan, my 12 year old, asked me this morning if I had ever lost another person in my life, besides Judah. I told him I had but no one as close to me as Judah. He said he was asking because I was so sad for so long and wondered if it had happened before. I think he wanted to know if we would ever be able to be happy again, like we were before. And maybe he was feeling a bit insecure, about his own place with Mark Brown and I, because we have been so sad about his brother. I've read that can happen with surviving siblings. So this is what I told him:
"When you were born, God grew my heart, to give me the ability to love you completely and fully. There is a space in my heart, just for you and it is full. Then, when Hannah was born, God grew a new place in my heart, just for her and her place is now full. And when Anna Brown, Mark Brown, Jack and Patch came into my life, God grew special places for each of them in my heart, which are also, now filled. When Judah was born, God grew my heart for the seventh time, and his place was full too, until the day he died. When that happened, and he went to Heaven, that part of my heart, the Judah part, became empty and that hurts so bad, because it was created to be full with him and his life.
No one else can fill that Judah place in my heart. Just like no one but you can fill that Ethan place in my heart. No one but Anna can fill the Anna place in my heart and the same for all of my kids. So, there is a place in my heart that is hurting so badly, because it can't be filled now. My love for Judah is still there, and always will be. But his place is empty and that hurts really bad. It would hurt just as bad if your place was empty, or any of my kid's places. But you need to know that just because that Judah place is hurting so badly, doesn't mean that mom's love for you has changed. Your place in my heart is full and my love for you is just as strong as it always has been. I am thankful for you, my son. I am thankful for your place in my heart. I cherish it. I cherish YOU. You are my Ethan and no one will ever take that special place in my heart for you."
I share this, just in case anyone out there is experiencing the same thing with their surviving children. Phrase it however you want, but please make sure they know that their place is secured and not forgotten, even amidst the terrible grief. Make sure they know that life will be happy again, even when their hearts and their parent's hearts hurt for their siblings. They need to know those things. They need to see their parents be proud of them and their lives and they need to know that their lives matter, every bit as much as their sibling's life did. The siblings are often called the silent mourners. Sometimes the forgotten mourners, because the parents and lost child are usually so focused on in this horrific time. That can cause a lot of damage for them. Please make sure they don't slip into the shadows....
3 comments
Love you Lisa...you are strong, kind and loving...
ReplyDeleteWe all love you so much Jenner!!!
ReplyDeleteGod works in amazing and mysterious ways AND His timing is uncanny at times. This was a candid and touching post. May we all use it as a reminder of all we have to be grateful for. Most of all the 'precious present'. The gift of NOW! 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
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