Bereavement

Winter Song

11:11 AM


This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea
My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
They say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.
They say were buried far, 
just like a distant starI simply cannot hold.
Is love alive? 
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.
I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always changeand life will find a way.
Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.
This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.
My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your lightto carry you to me.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
                        - Sara Bareilles

Bereavement

The Effect of Not Doing

11:11 PM

do·ing

1. the activities in which a particular person engages.
2. effort; activity.
Our actions shape our lives, but what we don't take action on can be just as powerful.
Life is sculpted on a moment-to-moment basis. Every one of the thoughts we think, the words we speak, and the actions we take contributes to the complex quality and character of the universe's unfolding. It simply is not possible to be alive without making an impact on the world that surrounds us. Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action not taken. And when it comes to making the world a better place, what we choose not to do can be just as important as what we choose to do. 
For example, when we neglect to recycle, speak up, vote, or help somebody in immediate need, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to be an agent for positive change. Instead, we are enabling a particular course to continue unchallenged, picking up speed even as it goes along. By holding the belief that our actions don't make much of a difference, we may find that we often tend to forego opportunities for involvement. Alternatively, if we see ourselves as important participants in an ever-evolving world, we may feel more inspired to contribute our unique perspective and gifts to a situation. 
It is wise to be somewhat selective about how and where we are using our energy in order to keep ourselves from becoming scattered. Not every cause or action is appropriate for every person. When a situation catches our attention, however, and speaks to our heart, it is important that we honor our impulse to help and take the action that feels right for us. It may be offering a kind word to a friend, giving resources to people in need, or just taking responsibility for our own behavior. By doing what we can, when we can, we add positive energy to our world. And sometimes, it may be our one contribution that makes all the difference.

Written by Madisyn Taylor


Bereavement

Halloween

8:06 AM



ASPEN - 2015 MINION (NOTICE THE BLUE TOES)
ASPEN & AUNT TRISHY - 2015 

ASPEN (NINJA) & AVA - 2014

ASPEN (LION) , MOMMY & JENNER - 2013
AIDEN, ASPEN & JENNER - 2013

It's here. Another holiday.  One of Aspen's favorites! HALLOWEEN!  I'm getting ready to head to school to volunteer in the library as I do every Monday and then help with Jenner's party at school this afternoon. Today I have a lot of anxiety. I spent all day crying yesterday after we attended a Halloween brunch with friends and Jenner refused to take a picture with me. It just made me so sad. I know I'm extra emotional right now, but it just hit me. Jenner is getting too old for pictures with his mommy. If Aspen were here, he would have taken as many pictures as I wanted to take. Not only have I lost my baby, but in a sense, I'm losing my first born. At least that's what my crazy mind is telling me. After brunch we had my nephew, Isaac's confirmation. I cried almost the entire time. I'm sure people in the church thought, what a lunatic, but they didn't know I just came from a brunch we have attended since Aspen was born and seeing all the littles running around just made it all come crashing down again. The picture was just the straw that sent me into another emotional meltdown. Confirmation was followed by our annual pumpkin carving/painting with my sister and brother-in-law, Katie and Adam. I LOVE carving and painting pumpkins. I buy a few kits every year and usually am the last one sitting at the table finishing my masterpieces. This year was no exception, but it didn't feel the same. It felt sad. Instead of my usual printouts, I bought the Paw Patrol printouts to honor our sweet boy! I knew he would be so excited to see the pumpkin I carved especially for him - SKYE the Paw Patrol dog. Aspen also loved this annual event and he'd always paint his pumpkins.

 I got a text from my friend Lisa this morning. Her son Colton has been having dreams about Aspen. She said it had been awhile since he had a dream, but last night Aspen came to Colton in his dream and told him he was going to be SKYE - the Paw Patrol dog. Coincidence?!? I hope not buddy. I hope you see all we are doing to honor your spirit and I'm going to hold on to that today so I can make it through yet another holiday without you. I hope you come to the party tonight and know mommy will be right there with you dressed in my angel costume - just for you! Love you to the moon sweet angel!  

Child's Passing

someone told me...

11:11 PM




…that life was made of moments.
I didn’t believe them.
I worked hard to be the good mom instead.
Scrubbing finger prints from windows and handprints from walls.
Wiping down faces and tucking in covers.
Drilling math facts and reading reading reading.
Worrying.
Much worrying.
Waking without sleep and brewing coffee.
Driving here and there and here and there.
Rocking babies.
Texting teens.
And then one day I realized that I was wrong.
The moments that I remembered weren’t the moments of outward victory.
They were the little simple things.
The first grader’s art project.
The look on the toddler’s sleeping face.
The smile from the teen.
The 20/20 on the math fact sheet.
The hum of the dishwasher and the island clean.
The hand holding in the grocery store.
The dinners pulled together at the last minute.
The worrying about being a good mom.
The sleeping and exhausted and giving.
And I realized that until one sees the simple beauty in motherhood there isn’t joy in the big.
So let me tell you.
Celebrate your normal.
The simple.
Because that?
That’s exactly what being a good mom is.
It only took me living life to figure it out that what someone told me was absolutely true.
~Rachel

Child's Passing

12:13 PM





“Once you surrender to the reality that you cannot control or predict every detail and eventual outcome of your life, and when you accept what you truly are—a spiritual being temporarily residing in a physical body to travel life’s roadways, with the sole purpose to learn, grow, and surpass your own expectations—then you can focus on doing just that.” 
                                                                       - Rebecca Rosen, Awaken the Spirit Within

“Time and time again I have seen people reclaim their power as they proactively and purposefully face their grief, enter their darkness, and arrive on the other side having grown from it. They’ve opened their heart through it, and discovered beauty and blessings within its depths. And it simply comes down to a choice.”  
                                                                        - Baruch HaLevi 

Child's Passing

Forever

11:11 AM





I miss you so much
Your light, your smile, your way
And everything about us
Though you're gone
Your still here
In my heart
In my tears
Yeah you sure left your mark
We were just getting started
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah it was long enough to last forever
Sometimes I get so mad
I scream I swear at this
'Cause this isn't how we planned it
I sit here in a cold room
Praying, waitin' on you
To run back through that door
To the way it was before you left
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
Together
But it was long enough
Yeah it was long enough
To last forever
Been cheated, defeated
Can't believe that you're are gone
You're gone, You're gone
Oh it was wrong, so wrong
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
No it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah it was long enough to last, to last, to last forever
It wasn't long enough
No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough 
             - Rascal Flatts

Bereavement

In A Daydream

11:11 AM



Tuesday morning,
Never looked so good.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
The sun is shining,
To wake me up.
No one around,
Just me and the sky.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
The sky is calling,
Calling out my name.
Telling me just to stay,
Stay and don't go away.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
In a daydream...
In a daydream...
In a daydream...
Already in a daydream...
     - Freddy Jones Band

Coping with Death of a Child

Wonder

11:11 AM


This used to be a very favorite song of Aspy's and mine.  We used to sing at the top of our lungs having breakfast.  I hope you love it as much as we did.  ðŸ’š


Doctors have come from distant cities, just to see me
Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they're seeing
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
No explanation
Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions
They reach into my head to steal, the glory of my story
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
No explanation
Ooo, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as you came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience, and with faith
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
People see me I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads how I confound you
And astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
Me no explanation
Ooo, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
                             - Natalie Merchant
                       

Coping with Death of a Child

Go Big Red

10:50 AM

                   


Today will mark our first time back in Husker Nation since the Spring Game.  The 2016 Spring Game was Aspen's first and last Husker game.  We had such an amazing day that day!  We tailgated, hung out with the Fisher family and Aspen played and played and played!  I'm praying to my angel today to bring us strength as we tackle another "first" without our sweet boy.  Please send us some signs today that you are cheering with us for a big Husker win against Oregon!  We love you to the moon Aspy!













Coping with Death of a Child

Listen To Your Life...

11:40 AM



Listen to your life.  See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.  In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness; touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it.  Because in the last analysis, all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.
                                                                               - Frederick Buechner

Coping with Death of a Child

I Will Remember You

7:35 AM




I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by, 
Weep not for the memories 
Remember the good times that we had? 
I let them slip away from us when things got bad. 
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun 
Want to feel your warmth upon me 
I want to be the one 

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 

I'm so tired but I can't sleep 
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep 
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word 
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard 

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 

I'm so afraid to love you 
But more afraid to lose 
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose 
Once there was a darkness 
Deep and endless night 
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life 

 I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 
            - Sarah McLachlan

Child's Passing

I Thought I Had Time

12:06 PM



I thought I had time.   I did.  I thought I had time.  Don't get me wrong,  I was the ultimate helicopter mom and worried about everything all the time, but I never thought for one second that I would lose my precious boy.  I thought I had time. 

 You see, we were cautious to the enth degree.  Any single person who knew us would tell you, we over-parented.  We did everything short of bubble wrapping our children.  Organic EVERYTHING! And I mean down to the diaper cream, diapers, baby wipes, bath wash, lotion, hair gel - it all had to be organic.  Our monthly Whole Foods tab could pay a small mortgage. And pesticides or bug spray - no thank you!  We use garlic and essential oils to keep those pesky things away. I bought a toaster oven so we didn't have to use the microwave unless we were in a 911 situation.  Oh and Skittles - only if the boys would get them on a playdate and I didn't know about it. Are you kidding me?  Have you seen the ingredient list? Red 40 lake, titanium dioxide, red 40, yellow 5 lake, yellow 5, yellow 6 lake, yellow 6, blue 2 lake, blue 1, blue 1 lake, and don't forget the Carnuba wax.  Oh and no fun cereal either.  All of my childhood favorites; off the list. Cap'n Crunch, Froot Loops, Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles; nope!  Every plug cover, every cabinet lock, carbon monoxide detectors, helmets, knee pads, elbow pads.  SO MANY baby gates - our house looked like Folsom Prison. In so many videos, I hear myself as I'm filming, say, "be careful", "don't go in the street", "watch for cars" "be careful on the stairs".  I know we drove friends and family crazy with our cautious ways.  We would never let a single child touch the sand on our beach without a life jacket.  We'd get pushback every now and again from a parent saying "oh she knows how to swim", but we would adamantly tell them, "it's not an option".  Who would ever think our sweet angel would ever drown in our own backyard? Never for one second did I think I wouldn't be able to protect my precious boys. I cherished my babies so much all I wanted to do was protect them and make them feel safe.  It's crazy how life can literally change in an instant.  And how life looks so different through the eyes of grief.  It is dull and in a lot of ways meaningless.  At least that's how it feels at this point in this journey.  Only time will tell if this will change for me.  The one thing that brings me some peace, I know that I did EVERYTHING in my power to keep my children safe. EVERYTHING.  I was and will most likely always be a helicopter parent.  The trouble is, you think you have time.