Angel Baby

9 Months

11:11 AM



Can it really be 9 months since you left us? It feels like it was just yesterday we were waking up side-by-side; getting Jenner ready for school. My heart has been aching these past few weeks more than ever for some reason. I think the trip to Colorado without you, started the slide, but it's not getting better. We had my family over for dinner on Monday and the first thing Ava did when she came in the door, was go to the picture of us with Aspen on the coffee table. She sat down, put her hand on the frame where Aspen's hand was and started talking to him. I immediately burst into tears. She misses him too! It seems everyone is having a rough few weeks, not that every week isn't hard, but for some reason, the hope of the new baby brought us all a little peace for a while anyway. Jenner woke up crying on Monday and told me that he had a bad weekend and was so sad, missing Aspen. He has never done that before. He was so quiet over the weekend - I sensed he was sad. We went to Adam and Katie's for dinner Sunday and although there were a ton of kids there, they all had a sibling present, where Jenner did not. I truly think that gets him to his core! He misses having a brother to play with, sleep with and just be with. He feels left out not having a sibling. I embraced the fact that he was actually talking to me about what was bothering him and told him, I'd let him take a mental health day where we could just hang out and regroup a bit. Everyone needs a mental health day once in awhile - God knows I've taken way more than my share over the past 9 months! He deserved to have one too! We spent the day running a few errands and picking out new flowers to decorate Aspen's grave. It was a beautiful day Monday, but Jenner won't go to Aspen's grave, and I understand. I don't like it either - I actually despise it, but I force myself to go so I can make things look pretty for the new season. I think the change of seasons are so hard. I remember back to last year, gearing up for the spring game and Easter. Decorating the house, which both boys love to do. I can't help, but think about if I had only known how short the time I had left with Aspen, I wouldn't have done so many date nights, adult trips and would have spent every single second with my angel. I spent the entire day before his accident golfing with friends. It makes me sad that I didn't even spend the day before he left us with him. And it's just so difficult to comprehend that the year of his passing is fast approaching and it literally seems like yesterday when I was screaming in terror trying to find my baby in the water. The never ending nightmare that will forever haunt me. 

 I've done my very best since January, to pull myself out of the deep depression I was in over the 2016 holidays to focus my thoughts on new beginnings for our family. I feel so blessed to be pregnant, but my sadness continues as I remember the precious memories of Aspen and what an amazing boy he was. I would give anything in the world to have him back. Absolutely anything. I pray to God every night that he protects Aspen in Heaven, just like I used to pray when Aspen was alive that God protect both my kids and my family and friends. I still want him to be safe in Heaven even though that sounds so weird to say. He is still my baby and will always be. No one can take that away from me. Buddy, mommy loves you so much and will never stop! Mommy misses you so much sweet boy!  

Angel Baby

Pressing Through the Pain

9:12 AM

Pressing Through the Pain

By:  


“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8a (NKJV)
Devotion Graphic
Does it ever feel like the heartbreak in your life is trying to break you?
I understand. I really, really do. I’ve been in that place where the pain of heartbreak hits with such sudden and sharp force that it feels like it cuts through skin and bone. It’s the kind of pain that leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be able to function like a normal person again.
But God has been tenderly reminding me that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists.
Pain is the reminder that the real enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down by keeping us stuck in broken places. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing there’s healing on the other side.
And in the in-between? In that desperate place where we aren’t quite on the other side of it all yet, and our heart still feels quite raw?
Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His. I’m not writing that to throw out spiritual platitudes that sound good; I write it from the depth of a heart that knows it’s the only way.
We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between.
The only other choice is to run from the pain by using some method of numbing. But numbing the pain — with food, achievements, drugs, alcohol or sex — never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier. It only silences our screaming need for help.
We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us. If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us. It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again. It even steals the best in our relationship with God.
Pain is the sensation that indicates a transformation is needed. There is a weakness where new strength needs to enter in. And we must choose to pursue long-term strength rather than temporary relief.
So how do we get this new strength? How do we stop ourselves from chasing what will numb us when the deepest parts of us scream for some relief? How do we stop the piercing pain of this minute, this hour?
We invite God’s closeness.
For me, this means praying. No matter how vast our pit, prayer is big enough to fill us with the realization of His presence like nothing else.
Our key verse (James 4:8a) reminds us that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. When we invite Him close, He always accepts our invitation.
And on the days when my heart feels hurt and my words feel quite flat, I let Scripture guide my prayers — recording His Word in my journal, and then adding my own personal thoughts.
One of my personal favorites to turn to is Psalm 91. I would love to share this verse with you today, as an example for when you prayerfully invite God into your own pain.
Verse: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1, NIV)
Prayer: Lord, draw me close.
Your Word promises when I draw close to You, You are there. I want my drawing close to be a permanent dwelling place. At any moment when I feel weak and empty and alone, I pray that I won’t let those feelings drag me down into a pit of insecurity. But rather, I want those feelings to be triggers for me to immediately lift those burdensome feelings to You and trade them for the assurance of Your security.
I am not alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your strength is infused in me. I am not empty, because I’m drinking daily from Your fullness. You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every stormy circumstance and harsh reality. I’m not pretending the hard things don’t exist, but I am rejoicing in the fact that Your covering protects me and prevents those hard things from affecting me like they used to. 
You, the Most High, have the final say over me. You know me and love me intimately. And today I declare that I will trust You in the midst of my pain. You are my everyday dwelling place, my saving grace. 
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
And with that I close my prayer journal, feeling a lot less desperate and a lot more whole. I breathe the atmosphere of life His words bring.
I picture Him standing at the door of my future, knocking. If I will let Him enter into the darkness of my hurt today, He will open wide the door to a much brighter tomorrow.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Psalm 116:1-2, “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/pressing-through-the-pain/#sthash.ojpvGccL.dpuf

Bereavement

Winter Song

11:11 AM


This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea
My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
They say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.
They say were buried far, 
just like a distant starI simply cannot hold.
Is love alive? 
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.
I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always changeand life will find a way.
Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.
This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.
My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your lightto carry you to me.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
                        - Sara Bareilles

Bereavement

The Effect of Not Doing

11:11 PM

do·ing

1. the activities in which a particular person engages.
2. effort; activity.
Our actions shape our lives, but what we don't take action on can be just as powerful.
Life is sculpted on a moment-to-moment basis. Every one of the thoughts we think, the words we speak, and the actions we take contributes to the complex quality and character of the universe's unfolding. It simply is not possible to be alive without making an impact on the world that surrounds us. Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action not taken. And when it comes to making the world a better place, what we choose not to do can be just as important as what we choose to do. 
For example, when we neglect to recycle, speak up, vote, or help somebody in immediate need, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to be an agent for positive change. Instead, we are enabling a particular course to continue unchallenged, picking up speed even as it goes along. By holding the belief that our actions don't make much of a difference, we may find that we often tend to forego opportunities for involvement. Alternatively, if we see ourselves as important participants in an ever-evolving world, we may feel more inspired to contribute our unique perspective and gifts to a situation. 
It is wise to be somewhat selective about how and where we are using our energy in order to keep ourselves from becoming scattered. Not every cause or action is appropriate for every person. When a situation catches our attention, however, and speaks to our heart, it is important that we honor our impulse to help and take the action that feels right for us. It may be offering a kind word to a friend, giving resources to people in need, or just taking responsibility for our own behavior. By doing what we can, when we can, we add positive energy to our world. And sometimes, it may be our one contribution that makes all the difference.

Written by Madisyn Taylor


Bereavement

The SIGN

12:53 PM




My poor Jenner. He is the silent, forgotten mourner. No wonder he doesn't want to talk about Aspen or visit the cemetery. The other day we were getting his haircut and the lady asked him if he had any brothers or sisters. He answered "No, but I have a dog." My heart sank. Does he really think he doesn't have a brother? Did he permanently erase Aspen from his memory? Is this a normal way for a child to respond to a question like that? He did go on to say, "but my mom and dad are trying to have a baby," which I thought was a little forthcoming given she was a complete stranger he had never met. I could see him declaring such a statement to his PE Teacher and Soccer coach as he did last time we were in Colorado, but not to some random person he had never met. It really broke my heart to think he has somehow written off the memories, and is moving forward claiming not to have a sibling. I must be doing this all wrong! It didn't ever cross my mind that he could forget his brother. How could he? We try and talk about him all the time, our house is littered with pictures of him and our family.  Jenner doesn't act that way when he's with us. As a matter of fact, he orders for Aspen when we go out for dinner, he makes me move my purse out of the chair, and states, "Aspen's sitting there" and he will talk about the funny things Aspen used to do. He surely hasn't forgotten him. We have been diligent about making sure we take him to trauma therapy every week, to Ted E. Bear Hollow events, schedule meetings with his school counselor and check in with his teacher periodically to make sure he's acting somewhat normal at school. We have tried to create as much normalcy as possible by keeping him involved in sports and our usual activities. What am I missing?

 I sat down at my desk yesterday to begin my day and realized that right below the pinwheel that has been taped to my computer since Aspen's funeral, was a piece of art that had not been there the day before. This handcrafted masterpiece was like a beacon. A sign from my sweet Jenner. No words or conversation necessary. He feels forgotten. He feels like all the focus has been and continues to be on Aspen. It is his way of saying, "Mom, I'm still here - I'm still alive." I literally felt sick. My sweet baby feels like he doesn't belong. How in the world could I have missed this? How did I not know he felt this way? He has been forced to become the silent, forgotten mourner. He fears seeing us breakdown, so it's best that he pretends Aspen never was part of our family, at least to strangers apparently. If he would have brought up Aspen's passing, I would have most likely began to cry and that's exactly what Jenner does not want to see - me sad. I get it now buddy! I read your sign loud and clear! You need to be our focus 110%. You are the living angel. Our angel Aspen is gone. Physically anyway, he is no longer with us. I opened Facebook not long after I found the sign and an excerpt from a "Grieving Parent's" page I am a part of came up.  Christi lost her son Judah a month ago in a drowning accident. She has 5 other children, and shared a conversation she had with her 12 year old that struck me at the absolutely perfect time.  Here's what she wrote:
Ethan, my 12 year old, asked me this morning if I had ever lost another person in my life, besides Judah. I told him I had but no one as close to me as Judah. He said he was asking because I was so sad for so long and wondered if it had happened before. I think he wanted to know if we would ever be able to be happy again, like we were before. And maybe he was feeling a bit insecure, about his own place with Mark Brown and I, because we have been so sad about his brother. I've read that can happen with surviving siblings. So this is what I told him:
"When you were born, God grew my heart, to give me the ability to love you completely and fully. There is a space in my heart, just for you and it is full. Then, when Hannah was born, God grew a new place in my heart, just for her and her place is now full. And when Anna Brown, Mark Brown, Jack and Patch came into my life, God grew special places for each of them in my heart, which are also, now filled. When Judah was born, God grew my heart for the seventh time, and his place was full too, until the day he died. When that happened, and he went to Heaven, that part of my heart, the Judah part, became empty and that hurts so bad, because it was created to be full with him and his life. 

No one else can fill that Judah place in my heart. Just like no one but you can fill that Ethan place in my heart. No one but Anna can fill the Anna place in my heart and the same for all of my kids. So, there is a place in my heart that is hurting so badly, because it can't be filled now. My love for Judah is still there, and always will be. But his place is empty and that hurts really bad. It would hurt just as bad if your place was empty, or any of my kid's places. But you need to know that just because that Judah place is hurting so badly, doesn't mean that mom's love for you has changed. Your place in my heart is full and my love for you is just as strong as it always has been. I am thankful for you, my son. I am thankful for your place in my heart. I cherish it. I cherish YOU. You are my Ethan and no one will ever take that special place in my heart for you."

 I share this, just in case anyone out there is experiencing the same thing with their surviving children. Phrase it however you want, but please make sure they know that their place is secured and not forgotten, even amidst the terrible grief. Make sure they know that life will be happy again, even when their hearts and their parent's hearts hurt for their siblings. They need to know those things. They need to see their parents be proud of them and their lives and they need to know that their lives matter, every bit as much as their sibling's life did. The siblings are often called the silent mourners. Sometimes the forgotten mourners, because the parents and lost child are usually so focused on in this horrific time. That can cause a lot of damage for them. Please make sure they don't slip into the shadows....

...

It is my new mission, to honor our living angel every second of every day and be more present than ever to show him that he is the most important person in our lives! We will never stop honoring Aspen's memory, but Jenner needs to become the FOCUS! We've been so busy getting Aspen's new foundation and the inaugural event planned, that we've gotten off course a bit in terms of what is most important. I realized something, that sign appeared the day after Aspen's ad campaign started for the stuffed animal drive. There are TV commercials and news stories, and other press. In my mind thought it would make Jenner happy to see Aspen's memory being honored. I guess instead, he viewed it as Aspen getting all of the attention, while Jenner sits in the shadows. THANK YOU JENNER for communicating to me through this sign, albeit a little passive aggressive. I got the message sweet boy and I will not let you slip into the shadows!!!  I love you to the moon and back and will never stop honoring my living angel!! You have my promise!















SaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSave

Bereavement

Halloween

8:06 AM



ASPEN - 2015 MINION (NOTICE THE BLUE TOES)
ASPEN & AUNT TRISHY - 2015 

ASPEN (NINJA) & AVA - 2014

ASPEN (LION) , MOMMY & JENNER - 2013
AIDEN, ASPEN & JENNER - 2013

It's here. Another holiday.  One of Aspen's favorites! HALLOWEEN!  I'm getting ready to head to school to volunteer in the library as I do every Monday and then help with Jenner's party at school this afternoon. Today I have a lot of anxiety. I spent all day crying yesterday after we attended a Halloween brunch with friends and Jenner refused to take a picture with me. It just made me so sad. I know I'm extra emotional right now, but it just hit me. Jenner is getting too old for pictures with his mommy. If Aspen were here, he would have taken as many pictures as I wanted to take. Not only have I lost my baby, but in a sense, I'm losing my first born. At least that's what my crazy mind is telling me. After brunch we had my nephew, Isaac's confirmation. I cried almost the entire time. I'm sure people in the church thought, what a lunatic, but they didn't know I just came from a brunch we have attended since Aspen was born and seeing all the littles running around just made it all come crashing down again. The picture was just the straw that sent me into another emotional meltdown. Confirmation was followed by our annual pumpkin carving/painting with my sister and brother-in-law, Katie and Adam. I LOVE carving and painting pumpkins. I buy a few kits every year and usually am the last one sitting at the table finishing my masterpieces. This year was no exception, but it didn't feel the same. It felt sad. Instead of my usual printouts, I bought the Paw Patrol printouts to honor our sweet boy! I knew he would be so excited to see the pumpkin I carved especially for him - SKYE the Paw Patrol dog. Aspen also loved this annual event and he'd always paint his pumpkins.

 I got a text from my friend Lisa this morning. Her son Colton has been having dreams about Aspen. She said it had been awhile since he had a dream, but last night Aspen came to Colton in his dream and told him he was going to be SKYE - the Paw Patrol dog. Coincidence?!? I hope not buddy. I hope you see all we are doing to honor your spirit and I'm going to hold on to that today so I can make it through yet another holiday without you. I hope you come to the party tonight and know mommy will be right there with you dressed in my angel costume - just for you! Love you to the moon sweet angel!  

Bereavement

In A Daydream

11:11 AM



Tuesday morning,
Never looked so good.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
The sun is shining,
To wake me up.
No one around,
Just me and the sky.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
The sky is calling,
Calling out my name.
Telling me just to stay,
Stay and don't go away.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
In a daydream...
In a daydream...
In a daydream...
Already in a daydream...
     - Freddy Jones Band

Bereavement

Deep in December

6:39 PM



Jenner's been begging to put up Halloween decorations.  I normally would have them out by now, but not this year.  I just knew the emptiness that would follow, knowing how much Aspen loved putting up these decorations.  Jenner has always enjoyed it too, but Aspen, he loved it.  He loved everything and approached life from such a different viewpoint.  He relished in everything, especially holidays. Our last memory of decorating for the holidays was the day of his accident.  Saturday, June 18th.  We spent the entire morning decorating for the 4th of July.  We hung our patriotic buntings across the railing as we always do for Memorial Day and the 4th.  We had bought new red white and blue pinwheels from Von Maur together just a few days before.  I couldn't just buy a few, he insisted that I  buy all they had in the store.  He must have moved those pinwheels around the yard 25 times that day.  I used to look so forward to holidays.  I go a little overboard as most who know me would say. Holidays are now forever changed.  It makes me sad to think instead of bringing me joy, that they will now bring sadness.  Sadness of what once was.  Sadness of missing my sweet Angel. Now as I look forward to the next holiday, they approach with me thinking not about the fun, but thinking about how painful the day will be for me.  I'm assuming this is normal, but I wonder if people ever get the excitement back.  I personally can't fathom it, not right now anyway.  We have so many big holidays fast approaching with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Jenner's Birthday in November, Aspen's Birthday in December and Aspen's favorite holiday, Christmas.  UGH!  How do people do this?  I found an article that perfectly articulates how it feels to navigate the holidays while grieving.  I pray to God to get me through the next 3 months for my family as I know in my heart, these months will be the worst yet for me.  
Deep in December...

I was beginning to do better, I thought I was doing better, but a few days ago,
the holidays just hit me.

A widow, contemplating her first Christmas alone
Quote from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

The holiday season is upon us but for many the month of December brings deep grief. We weep with the "quiet sense of something lost" as we recall happier times. The whole world seems poised for celebration while holiday memories flood us and make grief feel fresh again.

Each of us has a list of time-honored traditions, from hanging the stockings or lighting the candles, to baking holiday treats and attending sacred services. They are part of who we are and how we share our happiness with the people we love. Now one of the people we love is gone.

December may be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but it can also be the most painful. There is a profound difference between the external trappings of the season and the way we feel inside. What once delighted us now feels empty and we cringe at all the hoopla. Doesn't anyone know how much we hurt? The gaiety surrounds us and accentuates our feelings of loss.

Retail stores assault our senses with an endless overhead discord of saccharine songs. Every time I hear Silver Bells I want to break somebody's CD. Or, the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the season fill us with longing of times past and the one who has died. During the first Christmas season after my mother died, I walked into a bakery in late December and it smelled like the sugar cookies Mom used to make. The aroma flooded me with grief anew. I walked out without buying anything.

The season brings its own brand of anguish if the holiday memories of our loved one are polluted with drunkenness, fighting, or other forms of dysfunction. Now that our loved one is gone, we know that there is no chance to create happier holiday memories with them. This powerlessness to create new memories with the one for whom we grieve intensifies the loss: it never was, and now, it never will be.

Another difficult period arises when enough time has passed after the death that the grief is in the background, but we have not yet reconciled ourselves (adjusted) to life without our loved one. The dull ache of absence envelops us like fog even as we try so hard to be cheerful.

Sometimes we feel free to talk about our grief with friends or family, and if our grief is brand new, we will want to talk about it. Sometimes we feel so alone in our suffering that we want to scream.

In some families, sorrow is regarded as a contagious and undesirable condition. It is expected that we be active and in good spirits during the month of December. This often leads to our becoming more sad, or angry, because we cannot pretend to be cheerful. Even though the calendar dictates it, we do not feel jolly.

According to grief counselor and author Alan Wolfelt, the holiday season complicates grief and heightens pain. He offers the following suggestions to help grievers get through the holiday season: (From the foreword of A Decembered Grief, page 9.)

1. Talk about your grief.

2. Be tolerant of your physical and psychological limits.

3. Eliminate unnecessary stress.

4. Be with supportive, comforting people. I was most comforted when I spent time with the few (rare) people in my life who knew how to listen. They allowed me to talk about my grief, or cry, without trying to cheer me up or change the subject. Cheerleaders annoyed me.

5. Talk about the person who has died.

6. Do what is right for you.

7. Plan ahead for family gatherings.

8. Embrace your treasure of memories.

9. Ask for help if you need it.

10. Express your faith.

The holiday blues are a normal part of grief. Unspoken gloom hovers over all attempts to celebrate. When this happens, it is best for us to stop, embrace those around us that we trust and hold dear and acknowledge the grief.

Responding to tragedy and loss with sorrow is evidence of our humanity. Grief is an expression of our love for the dear one who has died and it deserves as much respect as joy and happiness. By expressing our sadness, our love, we have a chance at finding new and unexpected tenderness in the season of hope.

Note: Men and women do not express the powerful emotions of grief the same way. I once read that when it comes to grief, "women cry and men sigh." In other words, grieving women cry more and want to talk about the deceased loved one while grieving men become quiet, or angry, and busy themselves with projects.

It is important to avoid stereotypes, however. Of course some men shed tears and some women cope with a flurry of activity. There is no right and wrong way for men and women to grieve.