Child's Passing

Grandpa I'm Okay

12:50 PM





I WOKE UP GRANDPA THE OTHER NIGHT,

I TOLD HIM I HAD SOMETHING THAT HE SHOULD WRITE.

I WAITED A WHILE, FOR A CERTAIN DAY TO TELL HIM, "GRANDPA, I'M OKAY".
I NEEDED HIM FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL I NEEDED TO SAY.
I'M SURROUNDED BY GRANDMA'S AND GRANDPA'S, COUSINS AND SO MANY FRIENDS I NEVER KNEW.
BUT THEY TELL ME THEY KNEW EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
THEY CHECK ON ME AND MAKE SURE I'M HAPPY AND DOING FINE.
THEY HAVE ALL BECOME FRIENDS OF MINE.
I MET LANE, AND WE PLAY A LOT.
HE HAS BECOME MY BEST FRIEND,
BUT NOT TO WORRY AVA, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BEST AND THAT WILL NEVER END.
I AM WITH GOD, A PERSON I CALL"SIR".
FOR SOME THAT CREATES QUITE A STIR.
SIR DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE, 
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THE LOVE THAT WE SHARE.
SIR GAVE ME AN ELECTRIC DEVICE.
IT'S BLUE AND GREEN AND IT'S REALLY NICE.
THIS DEVICE IS REALLY AN AMAZING THING.
I CAN HEAR YOUR PRAYERS AND THE SONGS YOU SING.
AND GRANDPA THIS IS NO ORDINARY TOY,
I CAN TURN GRIEF AND SORROW INTO LAUGHTER AND JOY.
I SAW MY BIG BROTHER WITH A NEW PUPPY AS THEY WENT FOR A RIDE.
IT MADE ME SMILE AS FINDLEY WAS SITTING AT MY SIDE.
I WATCHED MY MOMMY MAKE SOME COOKIES THAT SMELLED SO SWEET.
MOMMY USED TO GIVE ME SOME DOUGH AS A SPECIAL TREAT.
I SAW MY DADDY ON THE COUCH TAKING A NAP.
I LOVED TO WAKE HIM AND SNUGGLE IN HIS LAP.
I AM WAITING FOR SAINT PETER TO OPEN THE DOOR, 
SO YOU CAN COME AND PLAY AND HUG ME SOME MORE.
YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW I WILL BE ALMOST FOUR.
I'M STAYING BUSY AND HAVING FUN.
KEEP ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS BECAUSE I AM A SPECIAL ONE.
AND GRANDPA.... MY NAME IS ASPEN DRAKE SEEMANN!!

Written by:  Larry Hugh Newell (Grandpa) 7-30-2016



Child's Passing

Not A Day Goes By

4:04 PM


Got a picture of you, I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it, when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you, I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me, when the nights gets cold
If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone
In the middle of the night
Thinking you might call me
If your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me
That I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me
With your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is, baby
If you could read my mind
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
That baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours
And the hours to days
Seems it's been forever
That I've felt this way
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
After all this time
You're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain
Locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh, baby
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
            - Lonestar

Child's Passing

To The Mother Who Feels The Same Grief As Me

11:51 AM











This is dedicated to my new friend, Melissa Graves!  God has brought us together through tragic circumstances, but your friendship has gotten me through some of my darkest days and I only hope I have done the same for you!  I will always be here for you as you've been for me!  Thank you for your continued support and friendship!!  Love you sweet girl!   XOXO, Lisa
Written by:  Michelle Haxby
You and I have never met, but yet we visit the same place every day. We both walk down the same unguided dark path. We cling to memories as if it’s our life support. Our minds drift off to that same place, the place that temporarily distracts us from our grief.
You’re the one person who knows the way my stomach feels — the unhealed knot in the center of my gut. You know the hollowness in my heart. Your tears are the same shape as mine, and they roll off the cheek without warning. You smile just like me. It’s a smile that has been perfected so others would stop wondering about your state of health and when or if you would pull through this.
Our deep exhale has been performed countless times, since the reminder to breathe is still necessary.
Only you understand the box in the closet where we keep the little things — the items that most people wouldn’t find a connection to. But we do. We can find that connection. Maybe it’s a ribbon, a stone or a piece of paper someone had written your child’s name on. An article of clothing that was last worn as we try desperately to preserve their smell.
This isn’t the same box with all the newborn items in it. This is a different box than the cutely decorated one that holds baby blankets, hospital bands, old pacifiers and first haircut clippings. This box is kept much further back in the closet, almost hidden as if it’s a secret.
You are the only one in this world who can look me in the eyes and say, “I get it.” Dear friend, how I wish you didn’t get it.
Like clockwork, I lie awake in my bed every night. I know you’re probably doing the same. As lonely as I feel sometimes, I know you’re feeling lonely, too. As indescribable as my pain is, I know you understand. It’s like a silent language that neither one of us wants to speak.
Our children’s stories are most likely different. The paths that led us here are probably nothing alike. It’s what happened in the after that forever bonds us now. It’s the pain of burying our child that makes our scars the same and our paths cross.
I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone, but yet to know you exist is somewhat of a selfish comfort for me. It’s the only place I find acceptance — to know that someone out there is just like me. I know with you that my tears aren’t measured and my sadness is never judged. The length of the time I grieve will never be rushed, all the wrong things will never be said and you understand sometimes silence is enough. 
My sadness will never make you uncomfortable because our words fit together like a puzzle. Even though I’m a stranger, my heartache brings you to tears. You live with that forever emptiness, too.
So as I pray my nightly prayers, I always include you — the mother I’ll never meet. You’re the other person out there who shares my same grief.  I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone and that there’s someone out there like you.

Child's Passing

How Lucky I Am

11:11 AM


                                                       - A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Child's Passing

When Shall We See A Life...

11:11 AM

When shall we see a life full of steady enthusiasm, walking straight to its aim, flying home, as that bird is now, against the wind — with the calmness and the confidence of one who knows the laws of God and can apply them?
                                                                                           - Florence Nightingale

Coping with the Loss of a Child

Finding My Muchness

8:19 AM

much·ness
adjective
:the joy, the spark of light and positivity that fuels our days, our imaginations, our individuality and confidence.
noun
:really sparkly, inspiring & happy-making stuff.

As I continue on this path of darkness, I find myself searching for light. A glimmer, anything other than darkness.  Simple things that most people take for granted. Taking a shower every day (I've only missed 2 since Aspen's accident, which I'm pretty proud of), being cheerful in the morning for Jenner before he goes to school, working at school so Jenner feels my presence, calling Clint a few times a day just to tell him how much I love him and feel blessed to have him in my life, taking Jenner to his various practices, attending his games, getting back into our normal bedroom routine of reading books and saying prayers and spending time with friends and family.  I am always searching for light.  

I came across a blog the other day written by a woman who lost her identical twin girls at 24 weeks.  She wrote about how she felt like she lost her joy and her spark of light.  I started thinking about what it was that was making things so dark for me, other than the obvious of losing our precious angel.  After some soul searching, I realized, not only did I lose the love of my life, but I lost a piece of myself.  My inner sparkle. Yesterday was quite possibly my most difficult day yet.  Mondays are always bad for me, so it wasn't anything out of the norm, but yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks.  I mustered the strength to get to school - I volunteer on Monday's in the library.  I could barely hold it together and spent most of my time, hiding tears from the kids and Barb (Miss DeFreece).  I ended up making her cry a good majority of my time there, which made me extra sad.  I left the building in tears and cried the entire way home.  It's weird how things happen; how people know.  My friends Krissy and Kelli called me just shortly after I arrived home from school.  I was of course, CRYING! They spent time comforting me, asking if I wanted to meet them for coffee, lunch, a walk, whatever.  It made my heart feel so good to have these amazing friends trying to help me over another hurdle of darkness, but yesterday, I just could not get the energy to do anything.  I wanted to wallow in my pain.  I went out to get the mail and my sweet neighbor and my former 4th grade teacher (Miss Olmsted/Roxanne Lowenstein) from Skyline Elementary, was driving down the street and stopped.  She told me she just wanted to give me a hug.  She spent time in between hugs, sharing her journey of losing their 18 month old grandchild, 8 years ago.  She told me of the painful road her son and daughter-in-law have trekked and how they have gotten through it.  One day at a time.   It became clear to me, that these people have been brought into my life for a purpose.  To deliver messages, Heaven sent to give me hope that my world is not ending even if it feels like it is.  I need to have hope and faith that God will get me through these dark days. Somehow, I will get to the other side of this excruciating pain.  The pain will never be totally gone, but it will lessen over time.  

 I made it through the rest of the day with little focus, doing insignificant things like paying a bill, or unloading the dishwasher.  I closed my evening reading a book that a friend and former client (Bill Witt) sent to me, called Tear Soup. Bill lost his oldest son and knew first hand the pain.  The minute he learned of Aspen's passing he knew I would be in the depths of the worst pain and sorrow imaginable, trying to get through each day.  There was an excerpt from the book that particularly resonated with me... "And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive." Even after my worst day yet, I survived.  I made it through another day.

When I woke up this morning, I just felt like I needed to change direction.  I need to find myself again.  How was I going to make this happen when everything seems so dark?  I thought of the girl and her "Muchness" blog.  She suffered loss and has somehow risen to the challenge to get her sparkle back and I can to.  So today, my friends is Day 1 of my "Muchness Challenge".  I'm going to find my sparkle again! And my first assignment is in the books!   Cheers to 30 days of Muchness!!  

Welcome To Day 1!

Today is just about dipping your foot in the water...

Use today as an opportunity to explain to (yourself and) your friends who might follow along what the 30 Days of Muchness Challenge is about. 
What is it about? It's simply about you inviting your joy into your life every day for the next 30 days. Snap a pic of something that feels like "you" and makes you smile. 
You're on your way....

Love & Muchness, Tova

Bereavement

In A Daydream

11:11 AM



Tuesday morning,
Never looked so good.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
The sun is shining,
To wake me up.
No one around,
Just me and the sky.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
The sky is calling,
Calling out my name.
Telling me just to stay,
Stay and don't go away.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
I'm already in,
In a daydream.
In a daydream...
In a daydream...
In a daydream...
Already in a daydream...
     - Freddy Jones Band

Coping with Death of a Child

Way Away

6:45 PM




Way Away
Line of people to pass you by
Posing sympathy with its whitewash eyes
With the ladies feigning their mourning cries
And the men shaking hands:
Weigh away
Way away
All the pictures in your mind
As you're passed the thousandth time
Thousandth photograph
Listen to sympathetic lies
As their reasons change under mourning guise
With the gentlemen feigning sorrowed sighs
And drinking champagne:
Weigh away
Way away
As all the people pass and pose
You hold back the tears
And hold onto memories
Small talk hangs like a dirty cloud
Saying nothing real but deafening loud
An urge to run away from the crowd
And mourn all alone
Make a promise to no-one
Wondering if you'd been worthwhile
Turn away from the chatter
And the hungry smiles

                   - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Bereavement

Deep in December

6:39 PM



Jenner's been begging to put up Halloween decorations.  I normally would have them out by now, but not this year.  I just knew the emptiness that would follow, knowing how much Aspen loved putting up these decorations.  Jenner has always enjoyed it too, but Aspen, he loved it.  He loved everything and approached life from such a different viewpoint.  He relished in everything, especially holidays. Our last memory of decorating for the holidays was the day of his accident.  Saturday, June 18th.  We spent the entire morning decorating for the 4th of July.  We hung our patriotic buntings across the railing as we always do for Memorial Day and the 4th.  We had bought new red white and blue pinwheels from Von Maur together just a few days before.  I couldn't just buy a few, he insisted that I  buy all they had in the store.  He must have moved those pinwheels around the yard 25 times that day.  I used to look so forward to holidays.  I go a little overboard as most who know me would say. Holidays are now forever changed.  It makes me sad to think instead of bringing me joy, that they will now bring sadness.  Sadness of what once was.  Sadness of missing my sweet Angel. Now as I look forward to the next holiday, they approach with me thinking not about the fun, but thinking about how painful the day will be for me.  I'm assuming this is normal, but I wonder if people ever get the excitement back.  I personally can't fathom it, not right now anyway.  We have so many big holidays fast approaching with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Jenner's Birthday in November, Aspen's Birthday in December and Aspen's favorite holiday, Christmas.  UGH!  How do people do this?  I found an article that perfectly articulates how it feels to navigate the holidays while grieving.  I pray to God to get me through the next 3 months for my family as I know in my heart, these months will be the worst yet for me.  
Deep in December...

I was beginning to do better, I thought I was doing better, but a few days ago,
the holidays just hit me.

A widow, contemplating her first Christmas alone
Quote from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

The holiday season is upon us but for many the month of December brings deep grief. We weep with the "quiet sense of something lost" as we recall happier times. The whole world seems poised for celebration while holiday memories flood us and make grief feel fresh again.

Each of us has a list of time-honored traditions, from hanging the stockings or lighting the candles, to baking holiday treats and attending sacred services. They are part of who we are and how we share our happiness with the people we love. Now one of the people we love is gone.

December may be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but it can also be the most painful. There is a profound difference between the external trappings of the season and the way we feel inside. What once delighted us now feels empty and we cringe at all the hoopla. Doesn't anyone know how much we hurt? The gaiety surrounds us and accentuates our feelings of loss.

Retail stores assault our senses with an endless overhead discord of saccharine songs. Every time I hear Silver Bells I want to break somebody's CD. Or, the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the season fill us with longing of times past and the one who has died. During the first Christmas season after my mother died, I walked into a bakery in late December and it smelled like the sugar cookies Mom used to make. The aroma flooded me with grief anew. I walked out without buying anything.

The season brings its own brand of anguish if the holiday memories of our loved one are polluted with drunkenness, fighting, or other forms of dysfunction. Now that our loved one is gone, we know that there is no chance to create happier holiday memories with them. This powerlessness to create new memories with the one for whom we grieve intensifies the loss: it never was, and now, it never will be.

Another difficult period arises when enough time has passed after the death that the grief is in the background, but we have not yet reconciled ourselves (adjusted) to life without our loved one. The dull ache of absence envelops us like fog even as we try so hard to be cheerful.

Sometimes we feel free to talk about our grief with friends or family, and if our grief is brand new, we will want to talk about it. Sometimes we feel so alone in our suffering that we want to scream.

In some families, sorrow is regarded as a contagious and undesirable condition. It is expected that we be active and in good spirits during the month of December. This often leads to our becoming more sad, or angry, because we cannot pretend to be cheerful. Even though the calendar dictates it, we do not feel jolly.

According to grief counselor and author Alan Wolfelt, the holiday season complicates grief and heightens pain. He offers the following suggestions to help grievers get through the holiday season: (From the foreword of A Decembered Grief, page 9.)

1. Talk about your grief.

2. Be tolerant of your physical and psychological limits.

3. Eliminate unnecessary stress.

4. Be with supportive, comforting people. I was most comforted when I spent time with the few (rare) people in my life who knew how to listen. They allowed me to talk about my grief, or cry, without trying to cheer me up or change the subject. Cheerleaders annoyed me.

5. Talk about the person who has died.

6. Do what is right for you.

7. Plan ahead for family gatherings.

8. Embrace your treasure of memories.

9. Ask for help if you need it.

10. Express your faith.

The holiday blues are a normal part of grief. Unspoken gloom hovers over all attempts to celebrate. When this happens, it is best for us to stop, embrace those around us that we trust and hold dear and acknowledge the grief.

Responding to tragedy and loss with sorrow is evidence of our humanity. Grief is an expression of our love for the dear one who has died and it deserves as much respect as joy and happiness. By expressing our sadness, our love, we have a chance at finding new and unexpected tenderness in the season of hope.

Note: Men and women do not express the powerful emotions of grief the same way. I once read that when it comes to grief, "women cry and men sigh." In other words, grieving women cry more and want to talk about the deceased loved one while grieving men become quiet, or angry, and busy themselves with projects.

It is important to avoid stereotypes, however. Of course some men shed tears and some women cope with a flurry of activity. There is no right and wrong way for men and women to grieve.

Child's Passing

After the Storm

11:11 AM



And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
                          - Mumford & Sons

Child's Passing

Homesick

8:40 AM

Today marks 3 months since you left us to be with our loved ones in Heaven.  This song describes how my heart aches for you every day angel!  Mommy and Daddy are traveling back to Denver today for a check-up with Dr. Schoolcraft.  Please show us some signs that you are with us and send Heavenly vibes for a good report!  Mommy longs for another baby more than anything in life.  Nothing will ever replace you, but the hope is that it may bring us some peace.  I want to see your eyes shine through a living angel that I can take care of and snuggle like we used to.  I MISS YOU SO MUCH ANGEL!

Child's Passing

Now

11:11 AM

Now is the accepted time, not tomorrow, not some more convenient season. It is today that our best work can be done and not some future day or future year. It is today that we fit ourselves for the greater usefulness of tomorrow. Today is the seed time, now are the hours of work, and tomorrow comes the harvest and the playtime.
                                                                                        - W.E.B. Dubois

Coping with Death of a Child

Wonder

11:11 AM


This used to be a very favorite song of Aspy's and mine.  We used to sing at the top of our lungs having breakfast.  I hope you love it as much as we did.  ðŸ’š


Doctors have come from distant cities, just to see me
Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they're seeing
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
No explanation
Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions
They reach into my head to steal, the glory of my story
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
No explanation
Ooo, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as you came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience, and with faith
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
People see me I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads how I confound you
And astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
Me no explanation
Ooo, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
                             - Natalie Merchant
                       

Coping with Death of a Child

Our First Visit

11:11 AM

Friday was a big day for our family.  A day we have been avoiding since June 22nd.  We just haven't been able to bring ourselves to visit.  I drive by the cemetery every single day knowing I should stop. I just could not bring myself to do it.  I knew in my heart, I didn't have the strength.  It was an assignment given to me by my trauma therapist.  I was supposed to accomplish this a few weeks ago.  Something just told me, I wasn't ready.  What I wasn't ready for was reality.  I knew seeing his space covered in dirt with pinwheels whirling would be that final missing piece to our new reality that I haven't been able to come to grips with.  Aspen wanted us to visit, not because he is there, but for some reason, he wanted us to go.  That's what Rebecca Rosen told us.  So Friday, Jenner's soccer game was cancelled and we had some extra time in our evening before we were supposed to be going to my parents for dinner and see my aunt Patty who is in town from Ohio.  I don't know why, but I just felt like it was time.  It's been raining all week and I just knew I needed to bring my baby his blanket so he wasn't covered in mud.  So we went.  Jenner wouldn't get out of the car.  He isn't ready. Come to find out, I'm not ready either.  Honestly, I don't think I will ever be ready to accept this as our new reality.  I just can't believe he's really never coming back.  My heart just can't accept it.  I miss my sweet Aspen more every second.  Just when I think the pain can't get worse, it does.  I pray for strength.  I pray for peace.  I pray for the pain to lessen.   I pray that I'll be able to visit more often.  



Coping with Death of a Child

Go Big Red

10:50 AM

                   


Today will mark our first time back in Husker Nation since the Spring Game.  The 2016 Spring Game was Aspen's first and last Husker game.  We had such an amazing day that day!  We tailgated, hung out with the Fisher family and Aspen played and played and played!  I'm praying to my angel today to bring us strength as we tackle another "first" without our sweet boy.  Please send us some signs today that you are cheering with us for a big Husker win against Oregon!  We love you to the moon Aspy!













Coping with Death of a Child

Listen To Your Life...

11:40 AM



Listen to your life.  See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.  In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness; touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it.  Because in the last analysis, all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.
                                                                               - Frederick Buechner

Coping with Death of a Child

Who You'd Be Today

11:11 AM



Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Today, today, today
Today, today, today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday, someday
                      - Kenny Chesney

Coping with Death of a Child

I Will Remember You

7:35 AM




I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by, 
Weep not for the memories 
Remember the good times that we had? 
I let them slip away from us when things got bad. 
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun 
Want to feel your warmth upon me 
I want to be the one 

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 

I'm so tired but I can't sleep 
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep 
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word 
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard 

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 

I'm so afraid to love you 
But more afraid to lose 
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose 
Once there was a darkness 
Deep and endless night 
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life 

 I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 
            - Sarah McLachlan

Child's Passing

A Sky Full of Stars

11:11 AM




'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I'm gonna give you my heart
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
'Cause you light up the path
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I saw you
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I wanna die in your arms
'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I'm gonna give you my heart
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I see you
I think I see you
'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
Such a heavenly view
You're such a heavenly view
                            - Coldplay

Child's Passing

The Heart of a Warrior

12:07 PM

I woke up feeling especially weak this morning. Mondays always seem to be difficult for me.  I think it's the reality of Clint going back to work and Jenner being back at school.  Leaving me in this house alone with my thoughts. Well, not completely alone - I have Skye.  He lays under my feet as I work at my desk. He is my new partner in crime. Obviously nothing can ever replace Aspy.  We were the perfect pair, but Skye is gentle and sweet and loves to cuddle; just like Aspen did. He knows when I'm sad.  He puts his face on my lap and tries to get as close to me a possible. Just like Aspen used to do.

In the midst of tears this morning, the phone rang. I saw "CCRM" come up on the screen so I knew I had to pick-up. CCRM stands for Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine.  CCRM is world-renowned. They are the best.  People travel from all over the world to see their doctors.  They have very strict testing requirements to even allow you to be a patient at their clinic.  This is to ensure their success rates remain the highest in the world.  As many of our close friends know, that's where Aspen was conceived after 4 failed IVFs here locally.  And since that transfer in 2012, we've had 5 embryos sitting in a freezer. Ironically, I've spent the past 2 years begging Clint to let us try for another baby. It's actually been a pretty big source of contention in our marriage.  He was "good" with two. I told him if he just let me try for another baby, I would take on everything,  changing diapers, feedings, sleepless nights - I would happily do it all.  I told him I'd even sign a contract. There was no way in my mind, I wouldn't be able to convince him to try for our 3rd baby. I set up a conference call with Dr. Schoolcraft back in October.  We talked at length about Aspen and what an amazing child he was.  I had it in my mind that we were going to start moving forward in January. Anyone who has been through infertility knows, the process is daunting. The drugs, the shots, the toll it takes on your body and mind, the roller coaster ride of emotions.  The waiting game and the potential disappointment. It's a very grueling road. But I wanted another baby more than anything. There is no bigger miracle and joy in life than a child. I just needed to figure out a way to get Clint on board.  How could he not, we had the perfect family and Jenner and Aspen loved each other more than words could adequately describe.  Jenner and Aspen begged Clint to let us try for another baby. I'd ask them if they wanted a brother or a sister and they would both answer "we want a brother and a sister".  If life were only that easy! January came and went as did each month that followed, with looming indecision.  That is until that day in June when Aspen went to be with God. The day Aspen died, Clint came to me and said, "I will support you in trying to have another baby - let's do it".  What's crazy to me is that I spent 2 years begging for another baby because I loved my life so much and I just wanted more. I cherished every moment with my kids and just felt I had so much more love to give. I knew there was something pushing me to fight for the opportunity to have one more. I just didn't realize it would be because our sweet angel would not be here with us. Looking back, I would trade every time I begged and pleaded with Clint for "one more", if I could only have Aspen back.  He was my absolute. My everything. Our friends all knew how much I wanted another baby. Being a mom has been by far my greatest accomplishment of my life. It's what I live for. I didn't think I was being selfish asking for another.  I just loved my job so much - I just wanted more.

Clint and I set up a meeting with CCRM in July for our work-up.  Our entire day was consumed with testing and meetings.  All went well with the exception of the last test of the day which showed I would need surgery to remove some scar tissue from Aspen's birth. I could feel the wave of disappointment hit me as Dr. Schoolcraft shared the news that I would need to come back in August for surgery and then wait 6 weeks to heal.  Then back for a follow-up test to ensure all healed properly.  What I didn't realize, is that after experiencing trauma like we faced with Aspen's drowning, they recommend waiting 6 months to do a transfer. I spoke with Joanna today who is the clinic psychologist. I spent most of our conversation in tears just because that's what I do. I cry. I cry a lot. I was so worried she was going to tell me that given my emotional state, we should wait until next Spring.  I shared with her that it was my goal to do a transfer in December because it is Aspen's Birthday month. I feel in my heart that there is something symbolic about doing a transfer in honor of him on or around his Birthday. Maybe I think God will be more likely to bless us with some good news if we do the transfer during Aspen's Birthday month.  I don't know - I'm just grasping for hope.  I could hear the sadness in Joanna's voice.  I knew she would help me. I know she heard the pain, yet hope in my crackling voice today.  I know she's part of my support squad. I felt better somehow after our conversation.  I had hope. After Joanna and I hung up, I went to the CCRM Support Facebook Page as I do a few times a day. It's a page that is just for patients. Doctors and nurses from CCRM do not have access.  It's a safe place for patients to share their infertility journey, ask questions, compare stories and seek support from others who know all too well, how difficult the quest to have a baby can be.  Just when I don't feel like I have the strength to get through my day, much less take on the IVF process, I receive a sign.  Someone posted a picture of a t-shirt that just arrived the day before her calendar was set to begin.  It made me ask myself, "Do I have the heart of a warrior?"  I think I have the heart of a warrior.  Not every day, of course.  No one does.  My warrior heart was earned.  It was not something I was born with, it was something that has grown from tragedy and despair.  I know in my warrior heart, that I have to put in the time and effort and the extremely difficult work to get to the other side of this pain. To get through yet another IVF. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to get to the other side;  trauma therapy, counseling, Yoga, Pilates, meditation, reading grief books, blogging and taking baby steps doing things I used to enjoy with Aspen. It's a painful process, but I'm trying.  The path is not easy, but nothing is when the reward is so great. All I can do is work on my inner warrior and push through each day so eventually I will get to the other side. If only there was a fast track.  

 Per aspera ad astra!  


Child's Passing

Darkest Hour

3:09 PM



If I lose my faith
Just remind me, just remind me
When my shadow's longer
Stay beside me till it's brighter
How easily I forget
How beautiful to see it once again
In my darkest hour I will be freed
When I close my eyes
I hope to find you, hope to find you
When I leave my body
I want to be ready, willing like you were
I sat beside you then
I felt the warmth as it left your hands
I've been waiting so long
That waiting was the end
Let this sleeper awaken again
                     - Glen Phllips