Angel Baby

9 Months

11:11 AM



Can it really be 9 months since you left us? It feels like it was just yesterday we were waking up side-by-side; getting Jenner ready for school. My heart has been aching these past few weeks more than ever for some reason. I think the trip to Colorado without you, started the slide, but it's not getting better. We had my family over for dinner on Monday and the first thing Ava did when she came in the door, was go to the picture of us with Aspen on the coffee table. She sat down, put her hand on the frame where Aspen's hand was and started talking to him. I immediately burst into tears. She misses him too! It seems everyone is having a rough few weeks, not that every week isn't hard, but for some reason, the hope of the new baby brought us all a little peace for a while anyway. Jenner woke up crying on Monday and told me that he had a bad weekend and was so sad, missing Aspen. He has never done that before. He was so quiet over the weekend - I sensed he was sad. We went to Adam and Katie's for dinner Sunday and although there were a ton of kids there, they all had a sibling present, where Jenner did not. I truly think that gets him to his core! He misses having a brother to play with, sleep with and just be with. He feels left out not having a sibling. I embraced the fact that he was actually talking to me about what was bothering him and told him, I'd let him take a mental health day where we could just hang out and regroup a bit. Everyone needs a mental health day once in awhile - God knows I've taken way more than my share over the past 9 months! He deserved to have one too! We spent the day running a few errands and picking out new flowers to decorate Aspen's grave. It was a beautiful day Monday, but Jenner won't go to Aspen's grave, and I understand. I don't like it either - I actually despise it, but I force myself to go so I can make things look pretty for the new season. I think the change of seasons are so hard. I remember back to last year, gearing up for the spring game and Easter. Decorating the house, which both boys love to do. I can't help, but think about if I had only known how short the time I had left with Aspen, I wouldn't have done so many date nights, adult trips and would have spent every single second with my angel. I spent the entire day before his accident golfing with friends. It makes me sad that I didn't even spend the day before he left us with him. And it's just so difficult to comprehend that the year of his passing is fast approaching and it literally seems like yesterday when I was screaming in terror trying to find my baby in the water. The never ending nightmare that will forever haunt me. 

 I've done my very best since January, to pull myself out of the deep depression I was in over the 2016 holidays to focus my thoughts on new beginnings for our family. I feel so blessed to be pregnant, but my sadness continues as I remember the precious memories of Aspen and what an amazing boy he was. I would give anything in the world to have him back. Absolutely anything. I pray to God every night that he protects Aspen in Heaven, just like I used to pray when Aspen was alive that God protect both my kids and my family and friends. I still want him to be safe in Heaven even though that sounds so weird to say. He is still my baby and will always be. No one can take that away from me. Buddy, mommy loves you so much and will never stop! Mommy misses you so much sweet boy!  

Angel Baby

Pressing Through the Pain

9:12 AM

Pressing Through the Pain

By:  


“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8a (NKJV)
Devotion Graphic
Does it ever feel like the heartbreak in your life is trying to break you?
I understand. I really, really do. I’ve been in that place where the pain of heartbreak hits with such sudden and sharp force that it feels like it cuts through skin and bone. It’s the kind of pain that leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be able to function like a normal person again.
But God has been tenderly reminding me that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists.
Pain is the reminder that the real enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down by keeping us stuck in broken places. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing there’s healing on the other side.
And in the in-between? In that desperate place where we aren’t quite on the other side of it all yet, and our heart still feels quite raw?
Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His. I’m not writing that to throw out spiritual platitudes that sound good; I write it from the depth of a heart that knows it’s the only way.
We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between.
The only other choice is to run from the pain by using some method of numbing. But numbing the pain — with food, achievements, drugs, alcohol or sex — never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier. It only silences our screaming need for help.
We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us. If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us. It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again. It even steals the best in our relationship with God.
Pain is the sensation that indicates a transformation is needed. There is a weakness where new strength needs to enter in. And we must choose to pursue long-term strength rather than temporary relief.
So how do we get this new strength? How do we stop ourselves from chasing what will numb us when the deepest parts of us scream for some relief? How do we stop the piercing pain of this minute, this hour?
We invite God’s closeness.
For me, this means praying. No matter how vast our pit, prayer is big enough to fill us with the realization of His presence like nothing else.
Our key verse (James 4:8a) reminds us that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. When we invite Him close, He always accepts our invitation.
And on the days when my heart feels hurt and my words feel quite flat, I let Scripture guide my prayers — recording His Word in my journal, and then adding my own personal thoughts.
One of my personal favorites to turn to is Psalm 91. I would love to share this verse with you today, as an example for when you prayerfully invite God into your own pain.
Verse: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1, NIV)
Prayer: Lord, draw me close.
Your Word promises when I draw close to You, You are there. I want my drawing close to be a permanent dwelling place. At any moment when I feel weak and empty and alone, I pray that I won’t let those feelings drag me down into a pit of insecurity. But rather, I want those feelings to be triggers for me to immediately lift those burdensome feelings to You and trade them for the assurance of Your security.
I am not alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your strength is infused in me. I am not empty, because I’m drinking daily from Your fullness. You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every stormy circumstance and harsh reality. I’m not pretending the hard things don’t exist, but I am rejoicing in the fact that Your covering protects me and prevents those hard things from affecting me like they used to. 
You, the Most High, have the final say over me. You know me and love me intimately. And today I declare that I will trust You in the midst of my pain. You are my everyday dwelling place, my saving grace. 
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
And with that I close my prayer journal, feeling a lot less desperate and a lot more whole. I breathe the atmosphere of life His words bring.
I picture Him standing at the door of my future, knocking. If I will let Him enter into the darkness of my hurt today, He will open wide the door to a much brighter tomorrow.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Psalm 116:1-2, “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/pressing-through-the-pain/#sthash.ojpvGccL.dpuf

Angel Baby

Aspen's Angels Purchase New Rescue Boat With Donations

5:51 PM

So proud of those who donated to the Waterloo Fire & Rescue Department in Aspen's memory! The funding was used to help purchase a new rescue boat to utilize in water emergencies which will have sonar capabilities. This will help expedite rescues and ultimately save countless lives. We feel so blessed to have been given the first boat ride today - Jenner felt pretty special! I kept looking up to the sky thinking how proud Aspen must be for these amazing people who gave us time to say goodbye. They put their lives at risk everyday to save others and we will always consider you part of Aspen's Angels! Thank you for your continued support of Aspen's foundation!  

 #aspendrakeseemannfoundation #waterloofireandrescue#firstresponders #aspensangels #pinwheelsforaspen #blessed






Bereavement

Winter Song

11:11 AM


This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea
My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
They say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.
They say were buried far, 
just like a distant starI simply cannot hold.
Is love alive? 
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.
I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always changeand life will find a way.
Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.
This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.
My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your lightto carry you to me.
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
                        - Sara Bareilles

Bereavement

The Effect of Not Doing

11:11 PM

do·ing

1. the activities in which a particular person engages.
2. effort; activity.
Our actions shape our lives, but what we don't take action on can be just as powerful.
Life is sculpted on a moment-to-moment basis. Every one of the thoughts we think, the words we speak, and the actions we take contributes to the complex quality and character of the universe's unfolding. It simply is not possible to be alive without making an impact on the world that surrounds us. Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action not taken. And when it comes to making the world a better place, what we choose not to do can be just as important as what we choose to do. 
For example, when we neglect to recycle, speak up, vote, or help somebody in immediate need, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to be an agent for positive change. Instead, we are enabling a particular course to continue unchallenged, picking up speed even as it goes along. By holding the belief that our actions don't make much of a difference, we may find that we often tend to forego opportunities for involvement. Alternatively, if we see ourselves as important participants in an ever-evolving world, we may feel more inspired to contribute our unique perspective and gifts to a situation. 
It is wise to be somewhat selective about how and where we are using our energy in order to keep ourselves from becoming scattered. Not every cause or action is appropriate for every person. When a situation catches our attention, however, and speaks to our heart, it is important that we honor our impulse to help and take the action that feels right for us. It may be offering a kind word to a friend, giving resources to people in need, or just taking responsibility for our own behavior. By doing what we can, when we can, we add positive energy to our world. And sometimes, it may be our one contribution that makes all the difference.

Written by Madisyn Taylor


Child's Passing

In the Arms of an Angel

11:11 AM




Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard, at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
And maybe empty
Oh, and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escape one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

                - Sara McLauchlan

Child's Passing

someone told me...

11:11 PM




…that life was made of moments.
I didn’t believe them.
I worked hard to be the good mom instead.
Scrubbing finger prints from windows and handprints from walls.
Wiping down faces and tucking in covers.
Drilling math facts and reading reading reading.
Worrying.
Much worrying.
Waking without sleep and brewing coffee.
Driving here and there and here and there.
Rocking babies.
Texting teens.
And then one day I realized that I was wrong.
The moments that I remembered weren’t the moments of outward victory.
They were the little simple things.
The first grader’s art project.
The look on the toddler’s sleeping face.
The smile from the teen.
The 20/20 on the math fact sheet.
The hum of the dishwasher and the island clean.
The hand holding in the grocery store.
The dinners pulled together at the last minute.
The worrying about being a good mom.
The sleeping and exhausted and giving.
And I realized that until one sees the simple beauty in motherhood there isn’t joy in the big.
So let me tell you.
Celebrate your normal.
The simple.
Because that?
That’s exactly what being a good mom is.
It only took me living life to figure it out that what someone told me was absolutely true.
~Rachel

Child's Passing

To The One Watching Me From Heaven, I Miss You More Than You'll Ever Realize

11:11 AM


Written by:  ToriAnne Elizabeth
f you liked this article, you can find more of Torianne's writing on her Facebook page.

 I think about you constantly. 
I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I imagine all of the things you'd say. I imagine all of the different adventures we would have gone on.
I wonder who I would be if you were here. I wonder what we would all be like. I think about all of the different ways things would've turned out with you in our lives.
I miss you all the time. I miss you so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think of you, as though it's trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with a band-aid that gets old and falls off more often than not.
I know you'd hate it, but I still cry for you. I still sit up at night and wish that you were here. I still talk to you and ask you for advice.
I can't help but want you here. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven't. I can't move on.
I have your picture everywhere. I think it's because I'm afraid that one day I'll forget your face. 
God... I hope that never happens.
I don't remember your voice anymore. I remember things you said, but it's been so long that your voice has faded from memory. 
I refuse to let you fade completely.
I won't do that to myself. You are the memory that I cling to when things get bad. You are the hope I hold onto when things get dark.
I need you, and your memory is all I have left. So, I'll keep it alive for you. 
I will carry you in my heart wherever I go in life. I will petition God to have you as my guardian angel if that's what it takes to keep you with me. 
I know that you are up there watching me. I know you look down and keep guard over me. 
I can only hope that I'm making you proud. I can only hope that I'm what you imagined I'd be in life. I can only hope that you're smiling at me and not up there shaking your head.
I won't hope that you miss me as much as I miss you, because missing you is painful. Missing someone is too painful for Heaven to allow inside its gates. It's too painful for me to wish on anyone, especially you.
I love you. 
And I miss you more than you'll ever realize.
I

Child's Passing

A Prayer For Aspen

11:11 AM







I prayed to you every night to keep our family safe and tight. 
Why dear God did he have to leave, and left our family here to grieve?
Why was he taken? We may never know, but he should be here with us and here to grow. 
You should have taken me and not him, for now my life seems dark and grim. 
He had so much life left to live, and so much more love yet to give. 
Hearts are broken and our world's are shattered. 
Our love for him was all that mattered. 
Please watch over our precious family and help us through, our grief, our tears and loss of you. 
    - Marla Headley (Aspen's Aunt)

Coping with Death of a Child

Silence

10:43 AM


My sister, Marla called me this morning as I was taking Jenner and our carpool kiddos to school and asked why I didn't call her back yesterday.  She knows when I go quiet, it's not a good sign. After all, "silence is a girl's loudest cry." I've been feeling extra heavy these past few days.  A friend from high school passed away and his funeral was yesterday.  I wanted to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. His visitation and funeral were held at the very same place where Aspen is buried. I knew I would have been a complete mess.  I knew the family would recognize my tears. The tears would stem from not only my pain, and the pain from losing my baby, but the tears would also be for Sharon. Jeremy's mom, would now know my pain. The pain of losing her baby.  It is pain I would never wish anyone to experience.  The pain is unimaginable.  My sister posted the video from Jeremy's funeral on Facebook.  I shared it, because I wanted people to remember Sharon's baby.  I knew it was probably not something I should watch. I knew where it would take me. As I contemplated hitting "Play", I remembered how I felt when I sat and created Aspen's video for his funeral.  I remembered the excruciating pain of looking through pictures and watching his sweet face on videos.  I wanted to choose the memories that would best capture his spirit so everyone could remember him for the amazing child he was.  I decided I owed it to Sharon and the family to watch the video. Just as I wanted everyone to watch Aspen's video. Seeing Jeremy and his family smiling in every picture. Celebrating life, even in the end, when they knew his time was near, they were smiling. I wondered to myself, would I have been able to bring myself to smile if I knew Aspen's fate? I remembered laying in his hospital bed praying so hard to God not to take him from us and with each passing day, realizing his fate was near. All I could do is cry. I'd cry for the memories that would never be. For the first day of school, for the sports he would never play, for the friends he would never make, for the Homecomings and Proms he would never attend, to the high school graduation party, to the college experience that all kids look forward to, the wedding that would never be, and the children he would never have. 

 I spent most of the morning in tears. Not anything too out of the norm, but I needed something to pull me out of the darkness.  I remembered a girl in the CCRM Support Group on Facebook, who learned of our story and reached out to me to share that her sister, who also drowned in their backyard lake when she was 18 months old. She shared that her mom went on to have two more children and that she would be happy to talk to me if I ever wanted to reach out. I pulled up her number and started dialing. I thought, maybe this mom can give me some hope that life will not always be this dark. She knew the exact pain that I knew.  Her daughter was also 3 1/2 when she drowned. I got her voicemail, but left a message, which I'm sure was difficult to understand when she heard it as I was still in tears.  A few minutes later, the phone rang and it was Debbie. She spent the next 45 minutes telling me her story. After her daughter passed away, just 3 months later she became pregnant. She told me that although she still was navigating the grieving process, her pregnancy gave her hope. As her due date approached, she started worrying that her baby could be born on the anniversary of her daughter's death. She worried that instead of what should be a happy day, would be filled with extreme sadness. As the date approached, she gave it up to God.  Andrew was born on March 31st, at 3:31.  The same day her daughter passed away 1 year before.  She told me that she remembered thinking what a miracle this was.  It was no coincidence.  This was God's way of giving her light in her darkness. They would now celebrate March 31st instead of dreading it.  Debbie's story gave me the hope I needed today.  The strength to get through the rest of my day.  I am praying everyday that God will give us a miracle.  Something to help ease our pain. A baby, a sibling for Jenner, a grand baby for my parents and Clint's parents, a niece or nephew for my siblings and brother and sister-in-law, a cousin for Ava, Phoebe, Isaac, Aiden, and Willa.  Some joy in the darkness.  I will never stop praying for our miracle!

Child's Passing

12:13 PM





“Once you surrender to the reality that you cannot control or predict every detail and eventual outcome of your life, and when you accept what you truly are—a spiritual being temporarily residing in a physical body to travel life’s roadways, with the sole purpose to learn, grow, and surpass your own expectations—then you can focus on doing just that.” 
                                                                       - Rebecca Rosen, Awaken the Spirit Within

“Time and time again I have seen people reclaim their power as they proactively and purposefully face their grief, enter their darkness, and arrive on the other side having grown from it. They’ve opened their heart through it, and discovered beauty and blessings within its depths. And it simply comes down to a choice.”  
                                                                        - Baruch HaLevi 

Coping with Death of a Child

The Other Side

11:11 AM




Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side
Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A teardrop falls on every page
Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone
Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
The trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies
Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is
                   - David Gray

Child's Passing

Forever

11:11 AM





I miss you so much
Your light, your smile, your way
And everything about us
Though you're gone
Your still here
In my heart
In my tears
Yeah you sure left your mark
We were just getting started
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah it was long enough to last forever
Sometimes I get so mad
I scream I swear at this
'Cause this isn't how we planned it
I sit here in a cold room
Praying, waitin' on you
To run back through that door
To the way it was before you left
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
Together
But it was long enough
Yeah it was long enough
To last forever
Been cheated, defeated
Can't believe that you're are gone
You're gone, You're gone
Oh it was wrong, so wrong
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
No it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah it was long enough to last, to last, to last forever
It wasn't long enough
No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough 
             - Rascal Flatts

Coping with Death of a Child

Way Away

6:45 PM




Way Away
Line of people to pass you by
Posing sympathy with its whitewash eyes
With the ladies feigning their mourning cries
And the men shaking hands:
Weigh away
Way away
All the pictures in your mind
As you're passed the thousandth time
Thousandth photograph
Listen to sympathetic lies
As their reasons change under mourning guise
With the gentlemen feigning sorrowed sighs
And drinking champagne:
Weigh away
Way away
As all the people pass and pose
You hold back the tears
And hold onto memories
Small talk hangs like a dirty cloud
Saying nothing real but deafening loud
An urge to run away from the crowd
And mourn all alone
Make a promise to no-one
Wondering if you'd been worthwhile
Turn away from the chatter
And the hungry smiles

                   - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Coping with Death of a Child

Wonder

11:11 AM


This used to be a very favorite song of Aspy's and mine.  We used to sing at the top of our lungs having breakfast.  I hope you love it as much as we did.  ðŸ’š


Doctors have come from distant cities, just to see me
Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they're seeing
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
No explanation
Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions
They reach into my head to steal, the glory of my story
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
No explanation
Ooo, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as you came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience, and with faith
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
People see me I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads how I confound you
And astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
God's own creation
And as far as they see, they can offer
Me no explanation
Ooo, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
She'll make her way, she'll make her way
                             - Natalie Merchant