As Easter approaches, I can't help but reflect on the past. I always get extra sad and emotional with each holiday. All of the happy memories come flooding back and then the reality of what will never be also hits me. I watch Ava getting so excited about coloring Easter eggs and remember how much fun Aspen used to have every holiday. He loved coloring Easter eggs and of course racing Jenner around the yard trying to find more than his big brother. Oh and the candy. He loved candy. We went to an Easter celebration last year where there were lots of fun things for the kids, including the Easter Bunny. He had no interest in any of it and was glued to my side as he always was at public gatherings. Oh and the Easter Bunny photos last year were hilarious. Jenner struggled to keep him on his lap while Aspen was trying to reach for me. I will cherish that picture forever. I can tell Jenner is sad as he's been watching shows that Aspen loved, Paw Patrol, Tom & Jerry's Wizard of Oz and Curious George. He's been bringing him up a lot more lately too, which I love! I still haven't pulled out our Easter decorations - it's too much for me, but I know it's only a matter of time, before I have to go hunting for Jenner's Easter basket. Aspen and Jenner had matching baskets. I remember back to Christmas when we decided to put Aspen's stocking out, I feel like I need to do the same for Easter. I don't ever want Aspen to feel like he is being left out - he will always be part of our family. I pray that I can bring a smile to the weekend and not be as sad and depressed as I was over Christmas. We have a lot to be thankful for and that is what I'm going to focus on.
Can it really be 9 months since you left us? It feels like it was just yesterday we were waking up side-by-side; getting Jenner ready for school. My heart has been aching these past few weeks more than ever for some reason. I think the trip to Colorado without you, started the slide, but it's not getting better. We had my family over for dinner on Monday and the first thing Ava did when she came in the door, was go to the picture of us with Aspen on the coffee table. She sat down, put her hand on the frame where Aspen's hand was and started talking to him. I immediately burst into tears. She misses him too! It seems everyone is having a rough few weeks, not that every week isn't hard, but for some reason, the hope of the new baby brought us all a little peace for a while anyway. Jenner woke up crying on Monday and told me that he had a bad weekend and was so sad, missing Aspen. He has never done that before. He was so quiet over the weekend - I sensed he was sad. We went to Adam and Katie's for dinner Sunday and although there were a ton of kids there, they all had a sibling present, where Jenner did not. I truly think that gets him to his core! He misses having a brother to play with, sleep with and just be with. He feels left out not having a sibling. I embraced the fact that he was actually talking to me about what was bothering him and told him, I'd let him take a mental health day where we could just hang out and regroup a bit. Everyone needs a mental health day once in awhile - God knows I've taken way more than my share over the past 9 months! He deserved to have one too! We spent the day running a few errands and picking out new flowers to decorate Aspen's grave. It was a beautiful day Monday, but Jenner won't go to Aspen's grave, and I understand. I don't like it either - I actually despise it, but I force myself to go so I can make things look pretty for the new season. I think the change of seasons are so hard. I remember back to last year, gearing up for the spring game and Easter. Decorating the house, which both boys love to do. I can't help, but think about if I had only known how short the time I had left with Aspen, I wouldn't have done so many date nights, adult trips and would have spent every single second with my angel. I spent the entire day before his accident golfing with friends. It makes me sad that I didn't even spend the day before he left us with him. And it's just so difficult to comprehend that the year of his passing is fast approaching and it literally seems like yesterday when I was screaming in terror trying to find my baby in the water. The never ending nightmare that will forever haunt me.
I've done my very best since January, to pull myself out of the deep depression I was in over the 2016 holidays to focus my thoughts on new beginnings for our family. I feel so blessed to be pregnant, but my sadness continues as I remember the precious memories of Aspen and what an amazing boy he was. I would give anything in the world to have him back. Absolutely anything. I pray to God every night that he protects Aspen in Heaven, just like I used to pray when Aspen was alive that God protect both my kids and my family and friends. I still want him to be safe in Heaven even though that sounds so weird to say. He is still my baby and will always be. No one can take that away from me. Buddy, mommy loves you so much and will never stop! Mommy misses you so much sweet boy!
I received not the greatest news on Monday in terms of my labs for Colorado. For some reason, my levels dropped considerably from the week before and the nurse from Colorado seemed very concerned on the phone. We ended up increasing my progesterone shots to once per day, to see if that helps. I cancelled all my plans yesterday and just laid in bed with my feet propped up. So nervous that at any moment I could start to miscarry this precious little being. I wasn't taking any chances. I went in first thing this morning for more labs and then at 10:30am, we had our 2nd ultrasound scheduled. I was so nervous. I prayed all day yesterday, last night and today for God to give us good news. It seemed like it took forever for them to call my name to come back. When they finally did the ultrasound, I could immediately see her little heart beating on the screen - 160 bpm exclaimed the nurse. WHEW! I could relax again! She also has started to grow here little arms and legs - Jenner will be excited to know that she now officially looks like a gummy bear instead of a grape as we discussed last night. He is over-the-moon with excitement and already has her name picked out "Dawn". After the Nickelodeon show Nicky Ricky Dicky and Dawn. That's not going to happen obviously. My little girl will not be named after a cable network program. Jenner gets so mad when I tell him that I get to choose the name. He tells me that I ALWAYS get to pick the names. I remind him, that when he's old enough to be a daddy someday, he can choose his own baby names. We are off to Colorado tomorrow for Spring Break. I know this is going to be a bittersweet trip given the last time we were at Copper, Aspen was with us and it was so much fun! I am going to take time to do a lot of journaling, saving pins on Pinterest, reading and in between, work on our taxes and start buying things for the new house in terms of lighting, fixtures, etc.. Since I'm not able to partake in any of the mountain fun, i.e., skiing, tubing, snowmobiling, cocktailing, hot tubbing, etc. This trip will be all about relaxing, reading, pinning, reflecting and cooking. Hope everyone has a blessed week! I'm ready to get to our happy place (the mountains) and enjoy our family and friends.
Pressing Through the Pain
Does it ever feel like the heartbreak in your life is trying to break you?
I understand. I really, really do. I’ve been in that place where the pain of heartbreak hits with such sudden and sharp force that it feels like it cuts through skin and bone. It’s the kind of pain that leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be able to function like a normal person again.
But God has been tenderly reminding me that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists.
Pain is the reminder that the real enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down by keeping us stuck in broken places. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing there’s healing on the other side.
And in the in-between? In that desperate place where we aren’t quite on the other side of it all yet, and our heart still feels quite raw?
Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His. I’m not writing that to throw out spiritual platitudes that sound good; I write it from the depth of a heart that knows it’s the only way.
We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between.
The only other choice is to run from the pain by using some method of numbing. But numbing the pain — with food, achievements, drugs, alcohol or sex — never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier. It only silences our screaming need for help.
We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us. If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us. It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again. It even steals the best in our relationship with God.
Pain is the sensation that indicates a transformation is needed. There is a weakness where new strength needs to enter in. And we must choose to pursue long-term strength rather than temporary relief.
So how do we get this new strength? How do we stop ourselves from chasing what will numb us when the deepest parts of us scream for some relief? How do we stop the piercing pain of this minute, this hour?
We invite God’s closeness.
For me, this means praying. No matter how vast our pit, prayer is big enough to fill us with the realization of His presence like nothing else.
Our key verse (James 4:8a) reminds us that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. When we invite Him close, He always accepts our invitation.
And on the days when my heart feels hurt and my words feel quite flat, I let Scripture guide my prayers — recording His Word in my journal, and then adding my own personal thoughts.
One of my personal favorites to turn to is Psalm 91. I would love to share this verse with you today, as an example for when you prayerfully invite God into your own pain.
Verse: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1, NIV)
Prayer: Lord, draw me close.
Your Word promises when I draw close to You, You are there. I want my drawing close to be a permanent dwelling place. At any moment when I feel weak and empty and alone, I pray that I won’t let those feelings drag me down into a pit of insecurity. But rather, I want those feelings to be triggers for me to immediately lift those burdensome feelings to You and trade them for the assurance of Your security.
I am not alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your strength is infused in me. I am not empty, because I’m drinking daily from Your fullness. You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every stormy circumstance and harsh reality. I’m not pretending the hard things don’t exist, but I am rejoicing in the fact that Your covering protects me and prevents those hard things from affecting me like they used to.
You, the Most High, have the final say over me. You know me and love me intimately. And today I declare that I will trust You in the midst of my pain. You are my everyday dwelling place, my saving grace.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
And with that I close my prayer journal, feeling a lot less desperate and a lot more whole. I breathe the atmosphere of life His words bring.
I picture Him standing at the door of my future, knocking. If I will let Him enter into the darkness of my hurt today, He will open wide the door to a much brighter tomorrow.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Psalm 116:1-2, “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” (NIV)
Psalm 116:1-2, “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” (NIV)
So proud of those who donated to the Waterloo Fire & Rescue Department in Aspen's memory! The funding was used to help purchase a new rescue boat to utilize in water emergencies which will have sonar capabilities. This will help expedite rescues and ultimately save countless lives. We feel so blessed to have been given the first boat ride today - Jenner felt pretty special! I kept looking up to the sky thinking how proud Aspen must be for these amazing people who gave us time to say goodbye. They put their lives at risk everyday to save others and we will always consider you part of Aspen's Angels! Thank you for your continued support of Aspen's foundation!
#aspendrakeseemannfoundation #waterloofireandrescue#firstresponders #aspensangels #pinwheelsforaspen #blessed
#aspendrakeseemannfoundation #waterloofireandrescue#firstresponders #aspensangels #pinwheelsforaspen #blessed
It was with nervous anticipation we had our first ultrasound today. So many things can happen in the first trimester of pregnancy, so we were trying to approach every test with caution for fear our hearts could break at any moment given the possibility of bad news. We have tried to remain positive and give everything up to God. We were pleasantly surprised to see that our little girl has a heartbeat, albeit very low, it was there! She is measuring where she should be and we are on track. Another ultrasound on March 2nd, will give us more information on whether her heart rate is increasing. Praying God protects this little life now and forever!
I started my Friday with so much hope for a warm, fun-filled weekend. We bought tickets to the new Lego Bat Man movie that Jenner has been looking forward to since he saw the trailer for the first time. He woke up Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas morning. He was so excited! I woke up with a scratchy throat and a headache. I took extra vitamin C and some black elderberry thinking it must just be the start of a cold. As the day wore on, I felt so tired. Abnormally tired. I laid down hoping to rally for the evening. I ended up staying home and went to bed early. I woke up Saturday feeling terrible. I immediately went to urgent care thinking I had strep given how sore my throat was. Tested negative for strep and was told it was probably a virus that would have to run its course. I came home and went immediately back to bed. Missed Jenner's basketball game and the Valentine's Day party that evening. By Sunday, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I felt worse than the past two days prior. I had been running a low grade fever but now the Tylenol wasn't helping. It hit me that I probably had the flu. I contacted the after hours line at CCRM and the nurse prescribed Tamiflu but told me to go to the ER and get tested as if I was positive, Clint and Jenner would also need to be treated as soon as possible. My mom came over to be with Jenner while Clint and I went in. You could see he look of concern on Jenner's face about me and the baby. He actually said, "mom if this baby doesn't work, you promised to keep trying, right?" My poor sweet boy. Will he always have this new layer of stress lying underneath, waiting to come out at any sign of distress? Is this really our new reality? He's far too young to carry this heavy burden of life. Has he been robbed of his youth and the carefree nature of what being a kid really should be? Breaks my heart to think that may be the case now!
We arrived back home around 10pm. Jenner was in bed asleep. My mom told me that he was worried I was going to have to spend the night at the hospital. She also shard something he told her before he said his prayers. He said, "Grandma, I wish I had a spray." "What kind of spray?"asked my mom. He responded, "A spray that would go back and prevent Aspen from going to the beach that day. I miss him so much and wish he could come back to us." My mom simply agreed with Jenner and told him that Aspen can't come back to us as much as we all wish he could. He's in Heaven now. They then said prayers and Jenner fell asleep. My heart breaks for my sweet, Jenner. It is clear Aspen is on his mind all the time even though he's probably too afraid to bring it up to Clint or myself for fear it will make us sad.
I received a call from the ER today. I officially have influenza b which means Jenner and Clint will also need to be treated.I pray that God protects my family and our baby as having the flu and a fever while newly pregnant can be very dangerous to the baby.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be respectful of others and stay home if you are sick. You may not realize the negative impact you could have on another person, especially if they have a compromised immune system. It's not okay! Stay home! No social event, work project or errand is worth potentially infecting others. Off my soapbox.
Grow baby, grow! I went in super early this morning as I couldn't sleep very well worrying about my labs today. I just got my Beta results - she's at 2,874 up from 118 last Friday. She is growing which makes my entire week! So thrilled that this little peanut is progressing! Next big step is 2/20 when we do the ultrasound to detect the heartbeat! Thank you for all of your continued prayers - we feel so blessed to be on this path. The very best early Valentine's Day gift we could possibly have imagined! Have a blessed weekend!
Tomorrow is another big day. Another set of labs to see how things are progressing. I pray that our little girl is growing. Starting out with low numbers can mean a lot of things, but there are tons of success stories where beta numbers start low and they end up with a healthy baby. Still, I'm a natural born worrier, even before Aspen's accident so it's inherent for me to have a little anxiousness going into tomorrow. Wanting something so much, doesn't help the anxiety. Only God knows what his plan is for our future. I continue to put my faith in him and the journey that he sets forth for our family. Praying so hard for good results tomorrow. If all goes well tomorrow, the next step is an ultrasound on February 20th to detect the heartbeat. That's a big milestone. I'm trying to to stay focused on getting our house packed to put on the market in March. A lot of big changes are on the horizon, all good, but they all come with so much emotion. Aspen spent his entire life in this house, so Clint and I both have so many mixed emotions about leaving here. I think we both know it's what is best for our family going forward as I still can't even go in the backyard, much less, use the beach and the lake like we used to. We will miss our neighbors so much as our West Shores community has more than wrapped their loving arms around our family and we will never forget the comfort they brought to us during the worst time of our lives. On that note, if anyone is looking for a modern ranch on a lake with amazing neighbors, let me know. Our plan is to put it on the market in mid-March.
I had my second Beta (HCG) today and our sweet baby girl over tripled her first Beta from Wednesday. She went from 32 to 118. It might have been the best news I've heard in over 7 months! I had taken another home pregnancy test last night and it took forever for the 2nd line to appear. I broke down in tears and so did Clint. We both just sat and cried thinking we were losing our precious girl after only 2 days of knowing she was even possible. I woke up this morning and rushed to the lab to get more blood drawn. I was thrilled to learn of the numbers from my Omaha doctor's nurse. I cried tears of joy today and continue to do off and on as I still can't believe this is real. I know there is such power in prayer. This is a true testament! I am so appreciative for the constant prayers and outpouring of support from friends, family and those individuals we don't even know personally. You've made this possible for us and we will be forever grateful for your continued prayers! This too is a journey and there are several milestones still to reach. Obviously our baby girl is a fighter, which makes me so proud! I love her so much already and can't wait to chronicle a new journey - one of hope instead of one of utter sadness. GOD IS GOOD!
Today was the day we found out if our transfer took. I've literally taken over 15 home pregnancy tests since last Thursday even though they tell you not to. I've realized more than ever, my patience is very, very limited! I dropped the kids off at school today and rushed to the Women's Hospital Lab where they drew my blood. I asked the girl if she knew how long it would take to get results. She said an hour to an hour and a half. I ran some errands and then couldn't wait any longer, so I called my doctor's office here in Omaha. The nurse had sent me something through the portal, but I hadn't checked my email. She shared with me that the test was positive, but that my HCG level was low - 32. When I spoke with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday, he told me he wanted it to be over 50. My heart sank. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for this moment as I'm officially carrying a life inside me again, which I honestly never thought was going to happen at all. I am thankful for this. I asked 1,000 questions of the nurse here and then spoke to the nurse at CCRM. She reassured me that she has seen girls have successful pregnancies even when they start with a low HCG level. I will go back Friday and hope that my levels at a minimum double. I have cleared my schedule the next 2 days to rest and nourish this precious being and hope she will grow and feel the love I have for her already. God, please give me this gift. I will cherish and protect her with all my heart and soul. I have faith in you to protect and guide me toward the light.
I've actually been doing pretty well these past few weeks given that my focus had shifted and I put all my energy and hope into going to Denver for our embryo transfer. The trip always makes me think about the first trek we made in April, 2012, for our first retrieval and embryo transfer. I remember the anticipation and hope given CCRM was the best in the world, but also remember the pressure of this being our last try. That was Clint's decision, not mine. I would have done 1,000 IVFs to get a baby. Whatever it took, I knew I wanted more kids. This trip to Colorado brought back a flood of emotion for both of us. We tried to mix it up, but it was clear that Aspen was weighing heavily on our minds. How could he not be - he always is, but this is where his short life began. I put on my best face for our transfer day - I didn't want the doctor to somehow change his mind on doing the transfer if I seemed too unstable to cope. I think the acupuncture before and after, and the valium of course, helped me get through Monday. I spent the next 2 days on complete bed rest. I honestly slept the entire first day and night. I was exhausted. Probably emotionally, but I'm sure the valium probably didn't help or did help, however you want to look at it. Tuesday, Clint and I watched movies while I ate white birthday cake - I had been craving it since I left our transfer. We left Wednesday to come home. I was missing my Jenner so much! I hate missing his basketball and soccer games and honestly, any minute of his life, especially now that I realize how fleeting and precious time really is.
I've been catching up today on bills, laundry and just trying to occupy my thoughts doing what I do best, organizing. That's what I do when I'm anxious. I get made fun of a lot for it. If we have a tornado watch, I clean drawers, label stuff than honestly does not need to be labeled, etc.. It helps me feel like I'm in control of something. I guess it could be worse. I could choose a different vice I guess. I actually thought to myself today, I feel a little less depressed than I had been over the holidays. But then when I really think about it, that's not saying much given I was at the lowest of the low over Christmas and New Year's. I haven't cried as much and I feel a sense of excitement as each day passes. Excitement and anticipation as we get closer to going in for my blood test to find out if we are pregnant. I realize I may not be, but I'm doing everything in my power to be positive and focus on holding that baby.
Tonight, Jenner was taking a bath and proceeded to have a water fight with Skye. Skye lost of course. There was water everywhere, but mainly on Skye. I decided to take this opportunity to dry and brush him since he hadn't been to the groomer in awhile. Then it hit me like a gunshot, right in my heart and stomach all at the same time. This is where I used to put Aspen's diaper and jammies on after he got out of the bathtub with Jenner. This is where that little stinker would try to run from me so he wouldn't have to put clothes on. He loved to be naked! The memories came flooding back like it was yesterday. I pictured him squirming and holding whatever little trinket he decided to take into his bath. It could have been chapstick, or a train or a measuring cup. You just never knew with him. I immediately lost it and started crying from the depths of my soul. I miss him so much and I want him back more than anything. A new baby is not going to fix my pain. I know this, but I know in my heart that I will never take one second for granted - ever again. If I could only have my Aspy back, I would hold him forever and never let him go. Clint came in when he heard me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I just had a flashback of my sweet Aspen laying here on the rug. He told me that he had a dream about Aspen last night. I asked about what and he just said that he was in the water. I knew I didn't want to know, but I felt like I needed to ask. "What was he doing," I asked. He said, "He was in the water and I was trying to get to him, but I couldn't." This is our life now. Constant flashbacks. Some good, some horrific. I guess I should be thankful that mine tonight was a happy flashback even thought the flood of emotions that it brings, takes me down! What I'm realizing through this journey is that we had so many happy memories that outweighed any negative memories and I was so lucky to have 3 /12 years with this amazing little boy. I feel so blessed to have been his mommy albeit for a short time. I was still HIS mommy! I pray to God that he gives us a new beginning and a new baby that I can love, and chase around and cherish the way I cherished Aspen. And although I know flashbacks come with the territory, I pray that my days are filled with more good flashbacks than bad.
This is a day I've been waiting for longer than I care to admit. We are finally here. After what seems like 1,000 tests, doctor's appointments, counseling sessions, trauma therapy, lots of motivational books, medical releases and support groups, we are HERE! I'm going to do my best to give it up to God. After all, I have no control. The universe has proven this to me. I will continue to have faith in God that he will carry us and hopefully bring us a rainbow baby that we so desperately want. My dream boards made the trip with us, I'm wearing my lucky shirts and socks I have every piece of jewelry that has been given to me since Aspen's passing, along with every motivational item I've been given. Now preparing for acupuncture and then our embryo transfer followed by more acupuncture and then 48 hours of bed rest in Denver before we make the trek back to Omaha. I have so much hope in my heart - trying to keep my spirits up and focus on the end result. Today marks 7 months and 1 day since we lost our precious angel. We have been in Denver 3 out of the 7 times on the anniversary of his passing all in pursuit of having another baby. I hope you are with us Aspen bringing us good vibes for a new brother or sister for Jenner. Jenner misses you so much and talks about you a lot. Although I know that you can never be replaced, I just know that would bring all of us a new beginning and a new life full of hope. Even though the past 7 months have been my darkest days, I still believe in miracles! We appreciate continued prayers as we take this journey.
When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.
Now you don't have a word to call this kind
Of the year made you new and beg it to turn you right
Two dead birds underneath the headlights
Every sound they ever made to call out they are alive
Every piece of me that breaks tryin' to keep from the sight
Of doubt
Of the year made you new and beg it to turn you right
Two dead birds underneath the headlights
Every sound they ever made to call out they are alive
Every piece of me that breaks tryin' to keep from the sight
Of doubt
Don't you doubt
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your breath is breathin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your breath is breathin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Thin wind ringin' in the silver tines
Yeah it took you by the throat but it wasn't the killin' kind
Now you don't tell it like you used to
Every day left in the dark is gonna come back to you
Every hope left in your heart is waitin' on what you'll do
With doubt
Yeah it took you by the throat but it wasn't the killin' kind
Now you don't tell it like you used to
Every day left in the dark is gonna come back to you
Every hope left in your heart is waitin' on what you'll do
With doubt
Don't you doubt
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your blood is beatin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Everybody's seen some winter
Don't you take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Even your blood is beatin' for another one
Don't you just take the dark way out
Don't you doubt
Doubt
The reasons are dead and they're growin' in the ground so why does it give why'd it take
Why to've been kissed
Why be mean why be anything
Just be the man, be the child, be the cold midnight soaked in the bones of this town
In the breath in the pink
In the honey taken from that green thing given sweet
In the cold in the pour
In the want in the wantin' the sound even your own body knows
All there is
See the gem
Your hands are lined with all that they ever have
Doubt
The reasons are dead and they're growin' in the ground so why does it give why'd it take
Why to've been kissed
Why be mean why be anything
Just be the man, be the child, be the cold midnight soaked in the bones of this town
In the breath in the pink
In the honey taken from that green thing given sweet
In the cold in the pour
In the want in the wantin' the sound even your own body knows
All there is
See the gem
Your hands are lined with all that they ever have
- Blind Pilot
Wow 2016 was crazy wild!
I told sir (God) that I needed to slow down as I am still a small child.
Sir agreed and said this next year would be much more mild.
In December I got to be an elf and sit on some shelves,
that way I could make sure Ava and Jenner were behaving themselves.
There was a huge party to celebrate my becoming four,
there was Santa, clowns, games, food and so much more.
Everyone was having fun and realized this was a special thing,
That was until my Aunt Marla got up to sing.
On my birthday sir made sure I had ice cream and cake.
The cake was good but not as good as mommy would bake.
So many people stopped to wish me well and just say hi,
Jeremy and Pastor Don also stopped by.
I saw the firemen and Alley the dog at Jenner's school.
Findley and I laughed and thought that was really cool.
I saw mommy on TV later that night,
I thought she did good she handled it right.
On Christmas Eve and Christmas day I saw my family with presents and love to share.
There on the was were stockings hung with care,
including one that even had my name.
I hid so Santa could not see me when he came.
He filled all the stockings with toys and treats.
I saw my Grandpa sneaking away with some of my sweets.
I watched as you laughed at a silly game you would play
It was fun a very special day.
Later I would smile as I heard all of you pray.
Grandpa I was telling my friends some of the goofy things you do and the stories you tell,
many thought you were crazy in the head you might not be well.
Some even suggested you get professional care,
but I told them that is just him being my Grandpa Lar.
Some of you have seen some type of sign.
So keep on looking it will most likely be mine.
I wish you the best for the coming year.
No more sadness not a single tear.
This year all of you will be healthy and safe that I know to be true,
because I am your Angel and that is what I do.
Aspen Drake Seemann
- LHN 1/14/2017
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
Left
And here on earth everything thing is different
There's an emptiness
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you're dancing in the sky
And I hope your singing in the the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
Left
And here on earth everything thing is different
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope your dancing in the sky
And I hope your singing in the the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Since you arrived
- Dani & Lizzy
Many of you will resolve to start a new positive habit in 2017. Adding good habits can be fun, but unfortunately (most of the time), they don't work. Approximately 38 percent of Americans will make resolutions, and only 8 percent will succeed.
Instead of adding a new diet or workout regime, let's remove the negative habits that have been holding you back.
Here we go:
1. Kill your habit of checking social media during the workday.
Social media platforms are masters of making you stay there. Getting lost in Facebook can be fun, but it's counterproductive during the day--especially while you're trying to build that presentation for your investors.
Now that we're on the subject, turn off the notifications on your phone, too. You can check your Snaps on your break.
2. Kill your habit of thinking it's all about you.
Your frowning boss isn't conspiring to fire you, as much as the cashier isn't giggling about your tie. They're thinking about themselves, and their own problems. Not you. I promise.
It's not about you. So cut it out. Run on that assumption when dealing with every human interaction in your life, and you'll be much happier.
3. Kill your habit of multitasking.
Science tells us that only 2 percent of us can really multitask. So don't try. Try this instead: When attempting to get something off your to-do list, shut down every browser and app on your screen except for the ones you need.
Otherwise, you'll get notifications for LinkedIn requests, Facebook Live posts, and tweets. A never-ending stream of distraction. So shut down everything except the program you need, and finally get things done.
4. Kill your habit of comparing yourself with everyone.
You will never win this game. There will always be someone smarter, better looking, richer, and (seemingly) happier. Always. Focus on yourself, your mindset, your health, the state of your being, and you'll win.
5. Kill your habit of complaining.
It's just not worth it. Be aware of the words that come out of your mouth. They affect you and the people around you.
Speak of good things, and more good things happen. Speak of negative things, and more negative things happen. Simple.
6. Kill your habit of wasting time with negative people.
If they don't love and support you, get rid of them. You don't have to shout, kick, and scream. Just stop being available to them. They won't notice. They're too self-centered to care.
7. Kill your habit of taking or organizing long and unnecessary meetings.
Less meeting means more doing. We're all adults. Take the meeting, do what you need to do, and go and do it. You can still be social, and have fun, and succeed in making meetings more efficient.
Try this in your next meeting. Set an agenda. As you run through the agenda, go around the room and have everyone share:
- What they're working on.
- What they've completed.
- What they need in order to complete what they're still working on.
It works, I promise. You'll shave half an hour off your meeting time.
8. Kill your habit of saying yes.
You may think you don't have enough time. You do. You just spend your time doing the wrong things.
Stop saying yes to everything. Embrace no. Love no. No is your word for 2017. Love it, live it, and use it.
9. Kill your habit of self-loathing thoughts and beliefs.
Enough is enough. You are good at what you do. You have it in you. If you can't silence that voice in your head, begin a regimen of meditation. If you need some quick wins to feel good about yourself, write three things you want to change this year. Right now. Go ahead; I'll wait.
Congratulations. You took the first step. Feel that little endorphin release in your brain? That's what you're looking for. Keep doing that, and you'll break that habit and create a new one. A habit where you actually get things done. Go--do things.
10. Kill your habit of sitting.
Get off your backside. Run, exercise, move. But stop sitting. Oh, and get a standing desk while you're at it.
11. Kill your habit of underachieving.
You're better than this. You have more in you, and you're not getting any younger. Start that business. Resign from that horrible job. Do it now. The only thing stopping you is you. Not your family, not your bank account.
12. Kill your habit of bragging about your resolutions before they happen.
Your brain thinks you've accomplished them when you announce them to the world. Stop that. This TED Talk helps to explain the phenomenon.
13. Kill your habit of creating excuses.
While you're at it, kill the habit of creating reasons. They're just excuses with lipstick on.
14. Kill your habit of reality TV, celebrity gossip, etc.
You're an adult; this shouldn't be a part of your entertainment. It's junk food for your brain. Feels great at first, but there is always a negative mental consequence.
15. Kill your habit of obsessing over doomsday scenarios.
It's good to have some healthy skepticism, but pessimists don't change the world, motivate people, or come up with innovative ideas. They only bring the people around them down.
16. Kill your habit of obsessing over things outside of your control.
Focus your time, energy, and resources on improving yourself. You can control everything you put in your body, think about, and do. Master yourself and become ruler of your universe.
17. Kill your habit of making sure everything is perfect.
It ain't happening. Ever. This is just a complicated form of procrastination. Which is a deeper manifestation of your fear. Get out of your own way, and let it rip.
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