Child's Passing

someone told me...

11:11 PM




…that life was made of moments.
I didn’t believe them.
I worked hard to be the good mom instead.
Scrubbing finger prints from windows and handprints from walls.
Wiping down faces and tucking in covers.
Drilling math facts and reading reading reading.
Worrying.
Much worrying.
Waking without sleep and brewing coffee.
Driving here and there and here and there.
Rocking babies.
Texting teens.
And then one day I realized that I was wrong.
The moments that I remembered weren’t the moments of outward victory.
They were the little simple things.
The first grader’s art project.
The look on the toddler’s sleeping face.
The smile from the teen.
The 20/20 on the math fact sheet.
The hum of the dishwasher and the island clean.
The hand holding in the grocery store.
The dinners pulled together at the last minute.
The worrying about being a good mom.
The sleeping and exhausted and giving.
And I realized that until one sees the simple beauty in motherhood there isn’t joy in the big.
So let me tell you.
Celebrate your normal.
The simple.
Because that?
That’s exactly what being a good mom is.
It only took me living life to figure it out that what someone told me was absolutely true.
~Rachel

Child's Passing

A Treasure Lost

3:04 PM




This poem was written by my dad only days after Aspen passed away.  


TODAY AS I WOKE MY EYES WERE CLOSED, I COULD NOT SEE.
 I HAD MUTED MY SENSES SO I COULD NOT HEAR THE RAIN DROPS FALLING AGAINST THE WINDOW PANE, NOR THE WIND WHISTLING THROUGH THE SWAYING TREES. 
I COULD NOT CATCH THE FRAGRANCE OF SUMMER FLOWERS IN BLOOM.
I HAD MUTED MY SENSES AS I WAS FEELING AGONIZING PAIN.
A PAIN LIKE A FLAMING TORCH HAD PIERCED MY FLESH.
THE PAIN IS REAL CAUSED BY ANGER AND GRIEF.
MY HEART WAS BROKEN BY A PRECIOUS TREASURE I HAD RECENTLY LOST.
I ASK QUESTIONS BUT NO ANSWERS COME FORTH.
I CANNOT VIEW PICTURES OF DAYS IN THE PAST, OR READ CARDS AND LETTERS
EXPRESSING LOVE AND SUPPORT.
I DO CATCH GLIMPES OF LAUGHTER AND JOY, BUT SOON REPLACED BY NUMEROUS TEARS. 
MY SPECIAL ANGEL BABY WILL SOON FIND WAYS TO MAKE ME SMILE.
TODAY MY SENSES STAY MUTED UNTIL HE TELLS ME "GRANDPA I’M OKAY.”
                            - Larry Hugh Newell (June, 2016)


                                                                                 

Child's Passing

After the Storm

11:11 AM



And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
                          - Mumford & Sons

Child's Passing

Homesick

8:40 AM

Today marks 3 months since you left us to be with our loved ones in Heaven.  This song describes how my heart aches for you every day angel!  Mommy and Daddy are traveling back to Denver today for a check-up with Dr. Schoolcraft.  Please show us some signs that you are with us and send Heavenly vibes for a good report!  Mommy longs for another baby more than anything in life.  Nothing will ever replace you, but the hope is that it may bring us some peace.  I want to see your eyes shine through a living angel that I can take care of and snuggle like we used to.  I MISS YOU SO MUCH ANGEL!

Child's Passing

Now

11:11 AM

Now is the accepted time, not tomorrow, not some more convenient season. It is today that our best work can be done and not some future day or future year. It is today that we fit ourselves for the greater usefulness of tomorrow. Today is the seed time, now are the hours of work, and tomorrow comes the harvest and the playtime.
                                                                                        - W.E.B. Dubois

Coping with Death of a Child

I Will Remember You

7:35 AM




I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by, 
Weep not for the memories 
Remember the good times that we had? 
I let them slip away from us when things got bad. 
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun 
Want to feel your warmth upon me 
I want to be the one 

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 

I'm so tired but I can't sleep 
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep 
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word 
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard 

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 

I'm so afraid to love you 
But more afraid to lose 
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose 
Once there was a darkness 
Deep and endless night 
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life 

 I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by 
Weep not for the memories 
            - Sarah McLachlan

Child's Passing

A Sky Full of Stars

11:11 AM




'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I'm gonna give you my heart
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
'Cause you light up the path
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I saw you
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I wanna die in your arms
'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I'm gonna give you my heart
I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I see you
I think I see you
'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
Such a heavenly view
You're such a heavenly view
                            - Coldplay

Child's Passing

The Heart of a Warrior

12:07 PM

I woke up feeling especially weak this morning. Mondays always seem to be difficult for me.  I think it's the reality of Clint going back to work and Jenner being back at school.  Leaving me in this house alone with my thoughts. Well, not completely alone - I have Skye.  He lays under my feet as I work at my desk. He is my new partner in crime. Obviously nothing can ever replace Aspy.  We were the perfect pair, but Skye is gentle and sweet and loves to cuddle; just like Aspen did. He knows when I'm sad.  He puts his face on my lap and tries to get as close to me a possible. Just like Aspen used to do.

In the midst of tears this morning, the phone rang. I saw "CCRM" come up on the screen so I knew I had to pick-up. CCRM stands for Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine.  CCRM is world-renowned. They are the best.  People travel from all over the world to see their doctors.  They have very strict testing requirements to even allow you to be a patient at their clinic.  This is to ensure their success rates remain the highest in the world.  As many of our close friends know, that's where Aspen was conceived after 4 failed IVFs here locally.  And since that transfer in 2012, we've had 5 embryos sitting in a freezer. Ironically, I've spent the past 2 years begging Clint to let us try for another baby. It's actually been a pretty big source of contention in our marriage.  He was "good" with two. I told him if he just let me try for another baby, I would take on everything,  changing diapers, feedings, sleepless nights - I would happily do it all.  I told him I'd even sign a contract. There was no way in my mind, I wouldn't be able to convince him to try for our 3rd baby. I set up a conference call with Dr. Schoolcraft back in October.  We talked at length about Aspen and what an amazing child he was.  I had it in my mind that we were going to start moving forward in January. Anyone who has been through infertility knows, the process is daunting. The drugs, the shots, the toll it takes on your body and mind, the roller coaster ride of emotions.  The waiting game and the potential disappointment. It's a very grueling road. But I wanted another baby more than anything. There is no bigger miracle and joy in life than a child. I just needed to figure out a way to get Clint on board.  How could he not, we had the perfect family and Jenner and Aspen loved each other more than words could adequately describe.  Jenner and Aspen begged Clint to let us try for another baby. I'd ask them if they wanted a brother or a sister and they would both answer "we want a brother and a sister".  If life were only that easy! January came and went as did each month that followed, with looming indecision.  That is until that day in June when Aspen went to be with God. The day Aspen died, Clint came to me and said, "I will support you in trying to have another baby - let's do it".  What's crazy to me is that I spent 2 years begging for another baby because I loved my life so much and I just wanted more. I cherished every moment with my kids and just felt I had so much more love to give. I knew there was something pushing me to fight for the opportunity to have one more. I just didn't realize it would be because our sweet angel would not be here with us. Looking back, I would trade every time I begged and pleaded with Clint for "one more", if I could only have Aspen back.  He was my absolute. My everything. Our friends all knew how much I wanted another baby. Being a mom has been by far my greatest accomplishment of my life. It's what I live for. I didn't think I was being selfish asking for another.  I just loved my job so much - I just wanted more.

Clint and I set up a meeting with CCRM in July for our work-up.  Our entire day was consumed with testing and meetings.  All went well with the exception of the last test of the day which showed I would need surgery to remove some scar tissue from Aspen's birth. I could feel the wave of disappointment hit me as Dr. Schoolcraft shared the news that I would need to come back in August for surgery and then wait 6 weeks to heal.  Then back for a follow-up test to ensure all healed properly.  What I didn't realize, is that after experiencing trauma like we faced with Aspen's drowning, they recommend waiting 6 months to do a transfer. I spoke with Joanna today who is the clinic psychologist. I spent most of our conversation in tears just because that's what I do. I cry. I cry a lot. I was so worried she was going to tell me that given my emotional state, we should wait until next Spring.  I shared with her that it was my goal to do a transfer in December because it is Aspen's Birthday month. I feel in my heart that there is something symbolic about doing a transfer in honor of him on or around his Birthday. Maybe I think God will be more likely to bless us with some good news if we do the transfer during Aspen's Birthday month.  I don't know - I'm just grasping for hope.  I could hear the sadness in Joanna's voice.  I knew she would help me. I know she heard the pain, yet hope in my crackling voice today.  I know she's part of my support squad. I felt better somehow after our conversation.  I had hope. After Joanna and I hung up, I went to the CCRM Support Facebook Page as I do a few times a day. It's a page that is just for patients. Doctors and nurses from CCRM do not have access.  It's a safe place for patients to share their infertility journey, ask questions, compare stories and seek support from others who know all too well, how difficult the quest to have a baby can be.  Just when I don't feel like I have the strength to get through my day, much less take on the IVF process, I receive a sign.  Someone posted a picture of a t-shirt that just arrived the day before her calendar was set to begin.  It made me ask myself, "Do I have the heart of a warrior?"  I think I have the heart of a warrior.  Not every day, of course.  No one does.  My warrior heart was earned.  It was not something I was born with, it was something that has grown from tragedy and despair.  I know in my warrior heart, that I have to put in the time and effort and the extremely difficult work to get to the other side of this pain. To get through yet another IVF. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to get to the other side;  trauma therapy, counseling, Yoga, Pilates, meditation, reading grief books, blogging and taking baby steps doing things I used to enjoy with Aspen. It's a painful process, but I'm trying.  The path is not easy, but nothing is when the reward is so great. All I can do is work on my inner warrior and push through each day so eventually I will get to the other side. If only there was a fast track.  

 Per aspera ad astra!  


Child's Passing

Darkest Hour

3:09 PM



If I lose my faith
Just remind me, just remind me
When my shadow's longer
Stay beside me till it's brighter
How easily I forget
How beautiful to see it once again
In my darkest hour I will be freed
When I close my eyes
I hope to find you, hope to find you
When I leave my body
I want to be ready, willing like you were
I sat beside you then
I felt the warmth as it left your hands
I've been waiting so long
That waiting was the end
Let this sleeper awaken again
                     - Glen Phllips

Child's Passing

Calling All Angels

11:11 AM



I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]
I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private…

                                             - Train

Child's Passing

Little Heaven

10:31 AM







Opened my eyes
The fire had come
Not for the end of days
Not for the faithless ones
Not for vision understood
Burns because it has to burn
Change will happen whether we
Are still or moving
Breathe in waves of doubt
Bitter in your mouth
You will exhale cinnamon clouds
When it is quiet and still
I can feel older here
Change what I can and pray
The hope will not disappear
When we are not denying anything
Nothing is an enemy
Delicately balancing
The perfect world
Ride these waves of doubt
Bitter in your mouth
You will exhale cinnamon clouds
                   
                       - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Child's Passing

A Letter To the Girl Who Hasn't Been Herself In Awhile

12:00 AM



Written by:  Brittany Ann 
For more of Brittany Ann's writing, follow her on her Facebook page.
It will come back—it being the light which fills your heart, the tranquility which calms your nerves, and the clarity which your mind so dearly needs.
The giddiness, the playfulness, the confidence in being you.
It will come back one day. 
Happiness will seep back in, too.
Not that you’ve been unhappy per se. It’s hard to describe exactly what you’ve been feeling as of late.
You’re just…off.
It’s important to remember that this is just a phase. This, like so much else in your life will come to pass. That is the nature of impermanence. Nothing lasts.
Think back to all of the other times that you’ve been in a mood of sorts, or the world has crumbled and everything you once thought was true revealed itself to be false. 
Our realities change every moment. We can hardly expect to go on feeling the same way through the constant motion.
Our moods change, but our personalities do not. 
While our external may be forever changing, our internal does not. 
Which is why someday you will come back to yourself.
Yes, I believe we do improve upon ourselves as time goes on. However, I do not think that we ever truly change our inherent nature.
We are just the same as we were as small children who had emotions and moods, which were in as pure a form as they could be.
We are still very much our infant selves, and whomever that person was that developed those many years ago will always be with us. 
They will lead us to where we eventually want to go.
You'll get there. You're just not there, yet. But, someday soon you will be right back in your body, able to make decisions and plan for the future, able to laugh and play and be a little goofy. 
You'll come back to yourself—to who you once were.
We all do eventually.


Child's Passing

5 Ways to Thrive When Life Feels Chaotic & Uncertain

12:00 AM


By 
“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” ~Deepak Chopra
A personal tempest blew through the doors and windows of my life, and I am forever changed. Think major upheaval in every area of your life. Conjure Dorothy Gale, Robinson Crusoe, Job, yeah them.
In the process, I’ve learned that the disorienting storms of life are not just about survival but of learning to thrive. It is not in spite of daunting circumstances that we grow but because of them.
For three years, painful and unexpected events descended all at once. My long-term marriage, often filled with anger, hurt, mistrust, and not surprisingly, a lack of intimacy, was imploding. My teenage son, who had been very ill, was hospitalized.
In the midst of this, my three children and I moved from our family home of twenty years to a new town. When things seemed to quiet down, my eldest daughter was diagnosed with a chronic and life-altering disease. Oh yes, and I was restarting a career.
Chaos. The utter confusion left in in its wake caused me to stop and reevaluate many of my assumptions about myself and life. 
What made this period even more difficult to endure was a sense of abandonment by some whom I thought would always be there, yet perhaps through a sense of helplessness or their own fears could not. Maybe they thought I was contagious. I started to wonder about that myself.
The irony of all of this was, through the lens of the outside world, my life had been seemingly idyllic before. Or had it?
I began to see that my tendency to avoid chaos at all costs lead me right into the belly of it. As humans, we desire harmony and seek order, in our surroundings, our relationships, and in our daily routines. We all crave certainty.
I found the paradox is that when you cling to the illusion of safety, you chain your ability to change. 
I also discovered several anchors that kept me grounded in the midst of feeling uprooted. In fact, they never failed me.
Here is what I’ve learned that “worked’ consistently:

1. Surrender.

This is a difficult concept to grasp on an emotional level. This is because we are hard wired, evolutionarily, to fight or to flee when experiencing turmoil. This response served us very well when we were being chased by saber tooth tigers. Unfortunately, it creates more conflict internally.
It takes courage to allow strong uncomfortable feelings, whether grief, anger, or loneliness, to just be instead of trying to force them away. But acceptance brings relief.

2. Meditate.

Someone once told me to meditate as if my life depended on it. I do, because it does. Desperation does wonders. My more formal practice consists of twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the early evening, sitting quietly and focusing on my breathing. If my mind is especially active on any given day, I use my “mantra” (the word joy) as I breathe.
Throughout the day, I strive to practice mindfulness, which simply means to bring my full presence to all that I do. Conscious attention to each activity and interaction brings a calm to my mind and heart. It brings me back to myself.
Another meditation technique I found to be extremely helpful during a sea change of hard times is the meditative practice called tonglen.
Our pain can feel such a heavy burden at times. Tonglen helps by easing the sometimes intense sense of our own suffering by powerfully connecting us with the struggles of others.
Instead of primarily focusing on our own set of difficulties, we purposefully visualize and take on the suffering of others on the in-breath and release happiness for them on the out breath.
It may sound counterintuitive, but I found it relieved me of my own sense of isolation and gave me the gift of perspective. It also helps me to develop greater compassion for myself and others.

3. Observe nature.

When a storm is coming, they hunker down. They prepare the best they can. Birds’ nests and beavers’ dams are fortified. Food is foraged. They don’t foolishly (read: egotistically) try to soldier on.
They wait it out. They trust the process.
When our own personal storms occur, we simply do what we need to do to protect ourselves. For me, that means to stop rushing around accomplishing “one more thing.” I take safety in the shelter of my own home, having stores of healthy and comfort food on hand, books and magazines for fun and for personal growth to read, and the perennial elixir, bath salts, to recharge.
I do not have to fully understand in the moment why or how the storm came to be or if there is a lesson to be learned from it. I simply have to get out of harm’s way. We can analyze to no avail now knowledge that will come effortlessly to us in retrospect.

4. Lean on others.

We all know that family and friends are often a precious salve during times of crisis, change, or loss. Reach out. Stay connected. And realize that if you can’t immediately find someone to give you the kind of support you need, there are those to help you see the situation with new eyes.
People came into my life during this period, serendipitously so, who were engaging, loving, and continue to help me expand and grow. The universe opens up a host of unexpected resources when you risk being vulnerable.

5. Keep the insights.

Some amazing realizations emerge during these times of struggle. We learn what’s truly important and to let the rest go.
Cliché as it may sound, my health and well-being and those that I love are paramount, and I treat them as such. It’s very difficult to be happy or effect positive changes in the world if you are in some state of dis-ease.
I’ve discovered the vitality of finding moments and experiences in life’s everyday activities that lift my spirit and make me smile. My morning cup of coffee, the soft fur on my old dog’s face, the bright pink rose bush against the white picket fence out my study window, all perfect in their simple abundance.
As I practiced healthy behaviors like meditation, exercising, eating well, and other avenues available on the road of loving self-care, I began to heal and see situations improving.
I also discovered that in order to cultivate this deeper, more meaningful life, I found I must maintain these practices. When things are going well, I tend to relax my vigilance. Some of the old behaviors of mismanaging stress creep in. Complacency has been a stubborn roadblock on the journey.
There is where change can be my friend. It doesn’t allow me to be complacent. If change is accepted in this spirit, it can be a catalyst for greatness. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron affirms that “to be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” In fact, it is the only way to learn how to fly.
Looking back on my life before all the chaos, I realized I was chasing status in my work and even my family life, and choosing security (an illusion at best) over listening to my heart.
Now I listen without jumping to conclusions or searching for quick fix solutions. I enjoy strong and vibrant relationships with my children, knowing I don’t ultimately control outcomes. I am currently in a partnership where we encourage each other to grow and risk and be vulnerable.
My work is now more like a calling than a job, providing me with rare and wonderful opportunities to engage with people about their own personal journeys and how they make meaning in their life.
I am amazed by the profound ways my life has “taken off,” unimagined by me, still in mid-flight.

SaveSave

Child's Passing

Courage

4:13 PM



COURAGE IS LIKE A MUSCLE - WE STRENGTHEN IT WITH USE. 

                                                                                           -Ruth Gordon

Child's Passing

My Hero

11:20 AM

YOU'LL BE MY HERO FOR MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE.  I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE.                                                     

                                                                                  -Bindi Irwin


Aspen will always be my hero.  My light in this sudden darkness.  Those eyes, those eyelashes, that infectious smile.  His laugh.  He was original from the minute he came into this world.  Unique beyond words.  Everyone who had the pleasure of meeting him immediately identified with him in a special way.  

It's our second national holiday without you buddy.  I'm in typical holiday weekend mode. All consumed with the busyness of life in Okoboji.  Entertaining, cooking, cleaning and enjoying time with our friends and family. This is how I get through my days. Busyness. Pretending I'm okay.  The truth is I'm not okay.  I'm completely and utterly heartbroken.  Devastated.  In anguish of the harsh reality of waking up without my precious angel.  Remembering how life once was. Remembering our morning ritual.  Waking beside me asking where his paci was.  I'd hunt through the mountain of sheets and blankets and paw patrol dogs searching for that precious paci.  When I finally found it he would get so excited.  He'd take it and immediately would snuggle down with me.  We couldn't get close enough to each other.  It was pure bliss.  Perfection.  Not another place on the planet I would want to be.  He would then say with conviction, "Mommy you get up".  He was such a bossy little thing.  He was my bossy little thing.  He was perfection.  Today I woke up and it hit me like it does every morning.  You're not here and you will never be here again. I will never have your snuggles. I will never be able to watch you sleep. How will I ever come to grip that this my new reality?  I keep thinking tomorrow will be just a little easier. I wake up and it isn't easier.  It's actually more difficult.  It's the reality sinking in deeper and deeper everyday.   This is my new life and you are never coming back.  And although you may not be here physically anymore, one thing I know with my whole heart is that you will always be my hero and my love for you will last until eternity.  Happy Labor Day in Heaven buddy!