PEOPLE AMAZE ME! Both good and bad, but mostly good. We arrived home from our final summer hoorah in Okoboji Monday afternoon and the first thing Clint noticed was our missing pinwheels from the front yard. We both stared at each other thinking, there is NO WAY someone would steal our pinwheels. How could someone be that heartless after all we've been through. Maybe the lawn service had to take them down to mow. We looked all around the house, and no pinwheels. We then decided to search through our RING videos to see if we could find out what happened. It didn't take us long to find the video showing what looked like a teenage girl, parking behind the POD in our driveway and running up and taking them. It happened on a Tuesday morning at 2:42am. What a weird time for teenage girls to be out and about. After watching the video over and over, I decided to post it on Facebook. What could it hurt, maybe someone would recognize the girl and make them aware of the significance of what they had done by telling our tragic story of losing our angel, Aspen. Well that was the beginning of something truly amazing. I realized I wasn't the alone in my disgust, but so many friends on Facebook and so many people who I did not personally know, took that video and shared it. Shared it over and over and over. People were pissed! Once again my heart was humbled by the outpouring of support for our family. Just incredible it is to see once again the rallying around our sweet boy! Makes my heart literally smile and I know it makes him realize what an impact he really had during his short time on this earth!! In case you haven't seen the video, it's attached. All I want is to bring my pinwheels home and hopefully have the girls who took them learn this valuable life lesson, that you never really know what people are dealing with. In a world filled with so much sadness, it's always best to choose to do the right thing, be kind and make our world a little better in the process. #pinwheelsforaspen
I took a break from blogging. There was no specific rhyme or reason at the time. One day I decided to take a break and then the days turned into weeks, which turned to months. It's weird how the journey through grief is. Blogging in the beginning was my savior that gave me an outlet to express my feelings with reckless abandon. It was a survival mechanism for me. On the days I felt completely lost with little will to go on, I had an outlet. It truly got me through my darkest days. I think when I realized I was pregnant, I decided involuntarily that my focus should be on the new life growing inside of me and not focused on what would forever be missing in my life. I had to give every ounce of my energy to the precious miracle that was gifted to me from above.
My pregnancy was blissful, except for the weight gain. I was obsessed with Chocolate Chip muffins and pretty much anything in the cheese family. I could tell this pregnancy was going to be different from when I was pregnant with the boys. My blood pressure was perfect every doctor visit, which was definitely different from my prior pregnancies. The baby was measuring perfectly throughout and passed all of the scary tests that us girl's suffering from AMA (advanced maternal age) stress about. Jenner was over-the-moon to be having a baby sister and as each month went on, he seemed to get more giddy. Vail was due on October 11th, but I had planned to be induced on October 4th. She had other plans. I went to the doctor for my weekly check on Monday, September 11th. All looked great! No issues, but I didn't feel right. I was more tired than normal and had a bad headache. I decided to stay home from my mom's grief group meeting and just rest. All day Tuesday I just felt off and still had a headache. By Wednesday evening, I could tell something wasn't right. I felt like my blood pressure was on the rise and decided to take my blood pressure. Sure enough it was 179/85 which was much higher than it had been. I laid down on my side to see if I could get it to come down. Instead of coming down it started to increase. I took it every hour and finally decided to contact the on-call doctor to find out if I should come in to be checked out. It was 3am when the doctor finally called me back and told me to come in. We loaded Jenner in the car and headed to the Women's Hospital. Thankfully it's only 5 minutes from our house. When I got in they ran some tests and immediately admitted me to the labor and delivery floor where they began the induction process. Apparently I was severely pre-eclamptic to the point where it may have not been possible to get an epidural. This alone terrified me beyond. I never even contemplated having a baby without an epidural. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Was I going to die and leave Jenner without a mom? How selfish was I to want another baby even though I was doing it to give Jenner another sibling? They began a magnesium drip to help prevent seizures. This was quite possibly the worst thing I've ever experienced. I couldn't open my eyes and felt like I was literally dying. My blood pressure dropped so low that all I could hear was the nurse telling me not to worry, that they could use as much of the ephedrine to get my blood pressure stabilized. I went from crazy high to crazy low in a matter of an hour of the magnesium kicking in. Vail came into the world the afternoon of September 14th. 4 weeks early. She was perfect. Small, but perfect. She weighed in at 5 lbs. 9 oz.. I wasn't allowed to be alone with her because I needed to remain on the magnesium for 24 hours and it makes you feel completely out of it. I felt miserable, but as soon as they turned off the magnesium, I immediately felt better and was able to hold her.
We were released from the hospital on September 16th. As crazy as it sounds, all seemed right with the world again. At least in that moment. We were once again a family of four. I prayed to Aspen and thanked him for taking care of me and told him how much I wished he could be here physically again so I could hold him and hug him. I had no idea what having another baby after losing one of the most precious angels in my life would feel like. She is such a blessing, but definitely not a replacement for Aspen!
As 2018 begins, I've made it my mission to live in the moment. To be present for my family and friends more than I ever have. I have leaned on everyone for the past year and a half after losing Aspen and could not have gotten through without the incredible support. The beginning to this year feels different than 2017 and although I am starting this new year still missing Aspen with every fiber of my being, I have a new sense of hope. A beginning to a new chapter of a book where the story and the ending are still yet to be determined, but I have always believed in Fairy Tales with happy endings. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
