YOU'LL BE MY HERO FOR MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE.
-Bindi Irwin
Aspen will always be my hero. My light in this sudden darkness. Those eyes, those eyelashes, that infectious smile. His laugh. He was original from the minute he came into this world. Unique beyond words. Everyone who had the pleasure of meeting him immediately identified with him in a special way.
It's our second national holiday without you buddy. I'm in typical holiday weekend mode. All consumed with the busyness of life in Okoboji. Entertaining, cooking, cleaning and enjoying time with our friends and family. This is how I get through my days. Busyness. Pretending I'm okay. The truth is I'm not okay. I'm completely and utterly heartbroken. Devastated. In anguish of the harsh reality of waking up without my precious angel. Remembering how life once was. Remembering our morning ritual. Waking beside me asking where his paci was. I'd hunt through the mountain of sheets and blankets and paw patrol dogs searching for that precious paci. When I finally found it he would get so excited. He'd take it and immediately would snuggle down with me. We couldn't get close enough to each other. It was pure bliss. Perfection. Not another place on the planet I would want to be. He would then say with conviction, "Mommy you get up". He was such a bossy little thing. He was my bossy little thing. He was perfection. Today I woke up and it hit me like it does every morning. You're not here and you will never be here again. I will never have your snuggles. I will never be able to watch you sleep. How will I ever come to grip that this my new reality? I keep thinking tomorrow will be just a little easier. I wake up and it isn't easier. It's actually more difficult. It's the reality sinking in deeper and deeper everyday. This is my new life and you are never coming back. And although you may not be here physically anymore, one thing I know with my whole heart is that you will always be my hero and my love for you will last until eternity. Happy Labor Day in Heaven buddy!
I'm the complications of loving you
I think there is no end or return.
No answer, no coming out of it.
Which is the only way to love, isn’t it?
This isn’t a playground, this is earth, our heaven, for a while.
Therefore I have given precedence to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods that hold you in the center of my world.
And I say to my body: grow thinner still.
And I say to my fingers, type me a pretty song,
and I say to my heart: RAVE ON
and I say to my heart: RAVE ON
-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Today is normally one of my favorite days of the year. The first Husker game of the season. As tradition has it, we are in Okoboji for Labor Day weekend. It's a perfect fall day. Crisp air with the smell of bacon lofting through the house. All the kiddos are snuggled up on the couch covered in blankets. College Game Day is on. All the makings for a perfect day.
Aspen loved everything about this day. Snuggling with me on the couch in his jams. Watching Paw Patrol as I enjoyed my coffee feeling blessed beyond comprehension. He would then ask me to get his Husker jersey from the closet and would be so excited about the adventures of the day. Talking about riding the train with mommy at Arnold's Park and throwing our Maxwells' frisbees from lunch at the green space. Enjoying his mint chip ice cream from the Nutty Bar Stand. Having water balloon fights in the backyard. Snuggling down in his sleeping bag to watch a movie with Jenner and his besties with popcorn and M&Ms. Aspen loved his life. He loved everything about it. It was as close to perfect as one could imagine. His three and a half years were so full. And although today has all the makings for a perfect day, nothing will ever be perfect again. Life as we know it has been forever changed. Just like it has for our new friends Melissa and Matt Graves. Our sweet angels were taken from us a little over one week apart. Today would have been Lane's 3rd Birthday. And to add insult to injury, it is his golden birthday. I know this will probably prove to be Matt and Melissa's worst day yet since Lane was taken so violently from them that evening at Disney World as they prepared to watch fireworks. My heart aches for them today more than it normally does. You see, I know that this day is going to be here sooner than later for our family too. Aspen's birthday is just a few short months away. I feel so sad thinking about how I'm here in what normally is our happy place and Melissa is in Omaha preparing for an event to honor her sweet boy on his birthday. Today used to be one of celebration of life with dreams of the future. Today is now sad and dark for both of our families. I pray to God that he wraps his arms a little tighter today around Melissa and Matt and around all who will never be the same after losing Lane. I ask the same for our family today as we try to push through another day. Doing all the activities that should have the makings for a perfect day.
This song says everything my broken heart feels. I miss you so much angel! I pray the days will become less heavy and so full of darkness. You are on my mind every breath I take.
"An arrow can only be released by first pulling it back. When life pulls you back, it simply means you're launching into something amazing"
