#truth #perfectionisnotreal
PEOPLE AMAZE ME! Both good and bad, but mostly good. We arrived home from our final summer hoorah in Okoboji Monday afternoon and the first thing Clint noticed was our missing pinwheels from the front yard. We both stared at each other thinking, there is NO WAY someone would steal our pinwheels. How could someone be that heartless after all we've been through. Maybe the lawn service had to take them down to mow. We looked all around the house, and no pinwheels. We then decided to search through our RING videos to see if we could find out what happened. It didn't take us long to find the video showing what looked like a teenage girl, parking behind the POD in our driveway and running up and taking them. It happened on a Tuesday morning at 2:42am. What a weird time for teenage girls to be out and about. After watching the video over and over, I decided to post it on Facebook. What could it hurt, maybe someone would recognize the girl and make them aware of the significance of what they had done by telling our tragic story of losing our angel, Aspen. Well that was the beginning of something truly amazing. I realized I wasn't the alone in my disgust, but so many friends on Facebook and so many people who I did not personally know, took that video and shared it. Shared it over and over and over. People were pissed! Once again my heart was humbled by the outpouring of support for our family. Just incredible it is to see once again the rallying around our sweet boy! Makes my heart literally smile and I know it makes him realize what an impact he really had during his short time on this earth!! In case you haven't seen the video, it's attached. All I want is to bring my pinwheels home and hopefully have the girls who took them learn this valuable life lesson, that you never really know what people are dealing with. In a world filled with so much sadness, it's always best to choose to do the right thing, be kind and make our world a little better in the process. #pinwheelsforaspen
I took a break from blogging. There was no specific rhyme or reason at the time. One day I decided to take a break and then the days turned into weeks, which turned to months. It's weird how the journey through grief is. Blogging in the beginning was my savior that gave me an outlet to express my feelings with reckless abandon. It was a survival mechanism for me. On the days I felt completely lost with little will to go on, I had an outlet. It truly got me through my darkest days. I think when I realized I was pregnant, I decided involuntarily that my focus should be on the new life growing inside of me and not focused on what would forever be missing in my life. I had to give every ounce of my energy to the precious miracle that was gifted to me from above.
My pregnancy was blissful, except for the weight gain. I was obsessed with Chocolate Chip muffins and pretty much anything in the cheese family. I could tell this pregnancy was going to be different from when I was pregnant with the boys. My blood pressure was perfect every doctor visit, which was definitely different from my prior pregnancies. The baby was measuring perfectly throughout and passed all of the scary tests that us girl's suffering from AMA (advanced maternal age) stress about. Jenner was over-the-moon to be having a baby sister and as each month went on, he seemed to get more giddy. Vail was due on October 11th, but I had planned to be induced on October 4th. She had other plans. I went to the doctor for my weekly check on Monday, September 11th. All looked great! No issues, but I didn't feel right. I was more tired than normal and had a bad headache. I decided to stay home from my mom's grief group meeting and just rest. All day Tuesday I just felt off and still had a headache. By Wednesday evening, I could tell something wasn't right. I felt like my blood pressure was on the rise and decided to take my blood pressure. Sure enough it was 179/85 which was much higher than it had been. I laid down on my side to see if I could get it to come down. Instead of coming down it started to increase. I took it every hour and finally decided to contact the on-call doctor to find out if I should come in to be checked out. It was 3am when the doctor finally called me back and told me to come in. We loaded Jenner in the car and headed to the Women's Hospital. Thankfully it's only 5 minutes from our house. When I got in they ran some tests and immediately admitted me to the labor and delivery floor where they began the induction process. Apparently I was severely pre-eclamptic to the point where it may have not been possible to get an epidural. This alone terrified me beyond. I never even contemplated having a baby without an epidural. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Was I going to die and leave Jenner without a mom? How selfish was I to want another baby even though I was doing it to give Jenner another sibling? They began a magnesium drip to help prevent seizures. This was quite possibly the worst thing I've ever experienced. I couldn't open my eyes and felt like I was literally dying. My blood pressure dropped so low that all I could hear was the nurse telling me not to worry, that they could use as much of the ephedrine to get my blood pressure stabilized. I went from crazy high to crazy low in a matter of an hour of the magnesium kicking in. Vail came into the world the afternoon of September 14th. 4 weeks early. She was perfect. Small, but perfect. She weighed in at 5 lbs. 9 oz.. I wasn't allowed to be alone with her because I needed to remain on the magnesium for 24 hours and it makes you feel completely out of it. I felt miserable, but as soon as they turned off the magnesium, I immediately felt better and was able to hold her.
We were released from the hospital on September 16th. As crazy as it sounds, all seemed right with the world again. At least in that moment. We were once again a family of four. I prayed to Aspen and thanked him for taking care of me and told him how much I wished he could be here physically again so I could hold him and hug him. I had no idea what having another baby after losing one of the most precious angels in my life would feel like. She is such a blessing, but definitely not a replacement for Aspen!
As 2018 begins, I've made it my mission to live in the moment. To be present for my family and friends more than I ever have. I have leaned on everyone for the past year and a half after losing Aspen and could not have gotten through without the incredible support. The beginning to this year feels different than 2017 and although I am starting this new year still missing Aspen with every fiber of my being, I have a new sense of hope. A beginning to a new chapter of a book where the story and the ending are still yet to be determined, but I have always believed in Fairy Tales with happy endings. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As Easter approaches, I can't help but reflect on the past. I always get extra sad and emotional with each holiday. All of the happy memories come flooding back and then the reality of what will never be also hits me. I watch Ava getting so excited about coloring Easter eggs and remember how much fun Aspen used to have every holiday. He loved coloring Easter eggs and of course racing Jenner around the yard trying to find more than his big brother. Oh and the candy. He loved candy. We went to an Easter celebration last year where there were lots of fun things for the kids, including the Easter Bunny. He had no interest in any of it and was glued to my side as he always was at public gatherings. Oh and the Easter Bunny photos last year were hilarious. Jenner struggled to keep him on his lap while Aspen was trying to reach for me. I will cherish that picture forever. I can tell Jenner is sad as he's been watching shows that Aspen loved, Paw Patrol, Tom & Jerry's Wizard of Oz and Curious George. He's been bringing him up a lot more lately too, which I love! I still haven't pulled out our Easter decorations - it's too much for me, but I know it's only a matter of time, before I have to go hunting for Jenner's Easter basket. Aspen and Jenner had matching baskets. I remember back to Christmas when we decided to put Aspen's stocking out, I feel like I need to do the same for Easter. I don't ever want Aspen to feel like he is being left out - he will always be part of our family. I pray that I can bring a smile to the weekend and not be as sad and depressed as I was over Christmas. We have a lot to be thankful for and that is what I'm going to focus on.
Can it really be 9 months since you left us? It feels like it was just yesterday we were waking up side-by-side; getting Jenner ready for school. My heart has been aching these past few weeks more than ever for some reason. I think the trip to Colorado without you, started the slide, but it's not getting better. We had my family over for dinner on Monday and the first thing Ava did when she came in the door, was go to the picture of us with Aspen on the coffee table. She sat down, put her hand on the frame where Aspen's hand was and started talking to him. I immediately burst into tears. She misses him too! It seems everyone is having a rough few weeks, not that every week isn't hard, but for some reason, the hope of the new baby brought us all a little peace for a while anyway. Jenner woke up crying on Monday and told me that he had a bad weekend and was so sad, missing Aspen. He has never done that before. He was so quiet over the weekend - I sensed he was sad. We went to Adam and Katie's for dinner Sunday and although there were a ton of kids there, they all had a sibling present, where Jenner did not. I truly think that gets him to his core! He misses having a brother to play with, sleep with and just be with. He feels left out not having a sibling. I embraced the fact that he was actually talking to me about what was bothering him and told him, I'd let him take a mental health day where we could just hang out and regroup a bit. Everyone needs a mental health day once in awhile - God knows I've taken way more than my share over the past 9 months! He deserved to have one too! We spent the day running a few errands and picking out new flowers to decorate Aspen's grave. It was a beautiful day Monday, but Jenner won't go to Aspen's grave, and I understand. I don't like it either - I actually despise it, but I force myself to go so I can make things look pretty for the new season. I think the change of seasons are so hard. I remember back to last year, gearing up for the spring game and Easter. Decorating the house, which both boys love to do. I can't help, but think about if I had only known how short the time I had left with Aspen, I wouldn't have done so many date nights, adult trips and would have spent every single second with my angel. I spent the entire day before his accident golfing with friends. It makes me sad that I didn't even spend the day before he left us with him. And it's just so difficult to comprehend that the year of his passing is fast approaching and it literally seems like yesterday when I was screaming in terror trying to find my baby in the water. The never ending nightmare that will forever haunt me.
I've done my very best since January, to pull myself out of the deep depression I was in over the 2016 holidays to focus my thoughts on new beginnings for our family. I feel so blessed to be pregnant, but my sadness continues as I remember the precious memories of Aspen and what an amazing boy he was. I would give anything in the world to have him back. Absolutely anything. I pray to God every night that he protects Aspen in Heaven, just like I used to pray when Aspen was alive that God protect both my kids and my family and friends. I still want him to be safe in Heaven even though that sounds so weird to say. He is still my baby and will always be. No one can take that away from me. Buddy, mommy loves you so much and will never stop! Mommy misses you so much sweet boy!
I received not the greatest news on Monday in terms of my labs for Colorado. For some reason, my levels dropped considerably from the week before and the nurse from Colorado seemed very concerned on the phone. We ended up increasing my progesterone shots to once per day, to see if that helps. I cancelled all my plans yesterday and just laid in bed with my feet propped up. So nervous that at any moment I could start to miscarry this precious little being. I wasn't taking any chances. I went in first thing this morning for more labs and then at 10:30am, we had our 2nd ultrasound scheduled. I was so nervous. I prayed all day yesterday, last night and today for God to give us good news. It seemed like it took forever for them to call my name to come back. When they finally did the ultrasound, I could immediately see her little heart beating on the screen - 160 bpm exclaimed the nurse. WHEW! I could relax again! She also has started to grow here little arms and legs - Jenner will be excited to know that she now officially looks like a gummy bear instead of a grape as we discussed last night. He is over-the-moon with excitement and already has her name picked out "Dawn". After the Nickelodeon show Nicky Ricky Dicky and Dawn. That's not going to happen obviously. My little girl will not be named after a cable network program. Jenner gets so mad when I tell him that I get to choose the name. He tells me that I ALWAYS get to pick the names. I remind him, that when he's old enough to be a daddy someday, he can choose his own baby names. We are off to Colorado tomorrow for Spring Break. I know this is going to be a bittersweet trip given the last time we were at Copper, Aspen was with us and it was so much fun! I am going to take time to do a lot of journaling, saving pins on Pinterest, reading and in between, work on our taxes and start buying things for the new house in terms of lighting, fixtures, etc.. Since I'm not able to partake in any of the mountain fun, i.e., skiing, tubing, snowmobiling, cocktailing, hot tubbing, etc. This trip will be all about relaxing, reading, pinning, reflecting and cooking. Hope everyone has a blessed week! I'm ready to get to our happy place (the mountains) and enjoy our family and friends.
Pressing Through the Pain
Does it ever feel like the heartbreak in your life is trying to break you?
I understand. I really, really do. I’ve been in that place where the pain of heartbreak hits with such sudden and sharp force that it feels like it cuts through skin and bone. It’s the kind of pain that leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be able to function like a normal person again.
But God has been tenderly reminding me that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists.
Pain is the reminder that the real enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down by keeping us stuck in broken places. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing there’s healing on the other side.
And in the in-between? In that desperate place where we aren’t quite on the other side of it all yet, and our heart still feels quite raw?
Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His. I’m not writing that to throw out spiritual platitudes that sound good; I write it from the depth of a heart that knows it’s the only way.
We must invite God into our pain to help us survive the desperate in-between.
The only other choice is to run from the pain by using some method of numbing. But numbing the pain — with food, achievements, drugs, alcohol or sex — never goes to the source of the real issue to make us healthier. It only silences our screaming need for help.
We think we are freeing ourselves from the pain when, in reality, what numbs us imprisons us. If we avoid the hurt, the hurt creates a void in us. It slowly kills the potential for our hearts to fully feel, fully connect, fully love again. It even steals the best in our relationship with God.
Pain is the sensation that indicates a transformation is needed. There is a weakness where new strength needs to enter in. And we must choose to pursue long-term strength rather than temporary relief.
So how do we get this new strength? How do we stop ourselves from chasing what will numb us when the deepest parts of us scream for some relief? How do we stop the piercing pain of this minute, this hour?
We invite God’s closeness.
For me, this means praying. No matter how vast our pit, prayer is big enough to fill us with the realization of His presence like nothing else.
Our key verse (James 4:8a) reminds us that when we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. When we invite Him close, He always accepts our invitation.
And on the days when my heart feels hurt and my words feel quite flat, I let Scripture guide my prayers — recording His Word in my journal, and then adding my own personal thoughts.
One of my personal favorites to turn to is Psalm 91. I would love to share this verse with you today, as an example for when you prayerfully invite God into your own pain.
Verse: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1, NIV)
Prayer: Lord, draw me close.
Your Word promises when I draw close to You, You are there. I want my drawing close to be a permanent dwelling place. At any moment when I feel weak and empty and alone, I pray that I won’t let those feelings drag me down into a pit of insecurity. But rather, I want those feelings to be triggers for me to immediately lift those burdensome feelings to You and trade them for the assurance of Your security.
I am not alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your strength is infused in me. I am not empty, because I’m drinking daily from Your fullness. You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every stormy circumstance and harsh reality. I’m not pretending the hard things don’t exist, but I am rejoicing in the fact that Your covering protects me and prevents those hard things from affecting me like they used to.
You, the Most High, have the final say over me. You know me and love me intimately. And today I declare that I will trust You in the midst of my pain. You are my everyday dwelling place, my saving grace.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
And with that I close my prayer journal, feeling a lot less desperate and a lot more whole. I breathe the atmosphere of life His words bring.
I picture Him standing at the door of my future, knocking. If I will let Him enter into the darkness of my hurt today, He will open wide the door to a much brighter tomorrow.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Psalm 116:1-2, “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” (NIV)
Psalm 116:1-2, “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” (NIV)
So proud of those who donated to the Waterloo Fire & Rescue Department in Aspen's memory! The funding was used to help purchase a new rescue boat to utilize in water emergencies which will have sonar capabilities. This will help expedite rescues and ultimately save countless lives. We feel so blessed to have been given the first boat ride today - Jenner felt pretty special! I kept looking up to the sky thinking how proud Aspen must be for these amazing people who gave us time to say goodbye. They put their lives at risk everyday to save others and we will always consider you part of Aspen's Angels! Thank you for your continued support of Aspen's foundation!
#aspendrakeseemannfoundation #waterloofireandrescue#firstresponders #aspensangels #pinwheelsforaspen #blessed
#aspendrakeseemannfoundation #waterloofireandrescue#firstresponders #aspensangels #pinwheelsforaspen #blessed
It was with nervous anticipation we had our first ultrasound today. So many things can happen in the first trimester of pregnancy, so we were trying to approach every test with caution for fear our hearts could break at any moment given the possibility of bad news. We have tried to remain positive and give everything up to God. We were pleasantly surprised to see that our little girl has a heartbeat, albeit very low, it was there! She is measuring where she should be and we are on track. Another ultrasound on March 2nd, will give us more information on whether her heart rate is increasing. Praying God protects this little life now and forever!
I started my Friday with so much hope for a warm, fun-filled weekend. We bought tickets to the new Lego Bat Man movie that Jenner has been looking forward to since he saw the trailer for the first time. He woke up Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas morning. He was so excited! I woke up with a scratchy throat and a headache. I took extra vitamin C and some black elderberry thinking it must just be the start of a cold. As the day wore on, I felt so tired. Abnormally tired. I laid down hoping to rally for the evening. I ended up staying home and went to bed early. I woke up Saturday feeling terrible. I immediately went to urgent care thinking I had strep given how sore my throat was. Tested negative for strep and was told it was probably a virus that would have to run its course. I came home and went immediately back to bed. Missed Jenner's basketball game and the Valentine's Day party that evening. By Sunday, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I felt worse than the past two days prior. I had been running a low grade fever but now the Tylenol wasn't helping. It hit me that I probably had the flu. I contacted the after hours line at CCRM and the nurse prescribed Tamiflu but told me to go to the ER and get tested as if I was positive, Clint and Jenner would also need to be treated as soon as possible. My mom came over to be with Jenner while Clint and I went in. You could see he look of concern on Jenner's face about me and the baby. He actually said, "mom if this baby doesn't work, you promised to keep trying, right?" My poor sweet boy. Will he always have this new layer of stress lying underneath, waiting to come out at any sign of distress? Is this really our new reality? He's far too young to carry this heavy burden of life. Has he been robbed of his youth and the carefree nature of what being a kid really should be? Breaks my heart to think that may be the case now!
We arrived back home around 10pm. Jenner was in bed asleep. My mom told me that he was worried I was going to have to spend the night at the hospital. She also shard something he told her before he said his prayers. He said, "Grandma, I wish I had a spray." "What kind of spray?"asked my mom. He responded, "A spray that would go back and prevent Aspen from going to the beach that day. I miss him so much and wish he could come back to us." My mom simply agreed with Jenner and told him that Aspen can't come back to us as much as we all wish he could. He's in Heaven now. They then said prayers and Jenner fell asleep. My heart breaks for my sweet, Jenner. It is clear Aspen is on his mind all the time even though he's probably too afraid to bring it up to Clint or myself for fear it will make us sad.
I received a call from the ER today. I officially have influenza b which means Jenner and Clint will also need to be treated.I pray that God protects my family and our baby as having the flu and a fever while newly pregnant can be very dangerous to the baby.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be respectful of others and stay home if you are sick. You may not realize the negative impact you could have on another person, especially if they have a compromised immune system. It's not okay! Stay home! No social event, work project or errand is worth potentially infecting others. Off my soapbox.
Grow baby, grow! I went in super early this morning as I couldn't sleep very well worrying about my labs today. I just got my Beta results - she's at 2,874 up from 118 last Friday. She is growing which makes my entire week! So thrilled that this little peanut is progressing! Next big step is 2/20 when we do the ultrasound to detect the heartbeat! Thank you for all of your continued prayers - we feel so blessed to be on this path. The very best early Valentine's Day gift we could possibly have imagined! Have a blessed weekend!
Tomorrow is another big day. Another set of labs to see how things are progressing. I pray that our little girl is growing. Starting out with low numbers can mean a lot of things, but there are tons of success stories where beta numbers start low and they end up with a healthy baby. Still, I'm a natural born worrier, even before Aspen's accident so it's inherent for me to have a little anxiousness going into tomorrow. Wanting something so much, doesn't help the anxiety. Only God knows what his plan is for our future. I continue to put my faith in him and the journey that he sets forth for our family. Praying so hard for good results tomorrow. If all goes well tomorrow, the next step is an ultrasound on February 20th to detect the heartbeat. That's a big milestone. I'm trying to to stay focused on getting our house packed to put on the market in March. A lot of big changes are on the horizon, all good, but they all come with so much emotion. Aspen spent his entire life in this house, so Clint and I both have so many mixed emotions about leaving here. I think we both know it's what is best for our family going forward as I still can't even go in the backyard, much less, use the beach and the lake like we used to. We will miss our neighbors so much as our West Shores community has more than wrapped their loving arms around our family and we will never forget the comfort they brought to us during the worst time of our lives. On that note, if anyone is looking for a modern ranch on a lake with amazing neighbors, let me know. Our plan is to put it on the market in mid-March.
I had my second Beta (HCG) today and our sweet baby girl over tripled her first Beta from Wednesday. She went from 32 to 118. It might have been the best news I've heard in over 7 months! I had taken another home pregnancy test last night and it took forever for the 2nd line to appear. I broke down in tears and so did Clint. We both just sat and cried thinking we were losing our precious girl after only 2 days of knowing she was even possible. I woke up this morning and rushed to the lab to get more blood drawn. I was thrilled to learn of the numbers from my Omaha doctor's nurse. I cried tears of joy today and continue to do off and on as I still can't believe this is real. I know there is such power in prayer. This is a true testament! I am so appreciative for the constant prayers and outpouring of support from friends, family and those individuals we don't even know personally. You've made this possible for us and we will be forever grateful for your continued prayers! This too is a journey and there are several milestones still to reach. Obviously our baby girl is a fighter, which makes me so proud! I love her so much already and can't wait to chronicle a new journey - one of hope instead of one of utter sadness. GOD IS GOOD!
Today was the day we found out if our transfer took. I've literally taken over 15 home pregnancy tests since last Thursday even though they tell you not to. I've realized more than ever, my patience is very, very limited! I dropped the kids off at school today and rushed to the Women's Hospital Lab where they drew my blood. I asked the girl if she knew how long it would take to get results. She said an hour to an hour and a half. I ran some errands and then couldn't wait any longer, so I called my doctor's office here in Omaha. The nurse had sent me something through the portal, but I hadn't checked my email. She shared with me that the test was positive, but that my HCG level was low - 32. When I spoke with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday, he told me he wanted it to be over 50. My heart sank. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for this moment as I'm officially carrying a life inside me again, which I honestly never thought was going to happen at all. I am thankful for this. I asked 1,000 questions of the nurse here and then spoke to the nurse at CCRM. She reassured me that she has seen girls have successful pregnancies even when they start with a low HCG level. I will go back Friday and hope that my levels at a minimum double. I have cleared my schedule the next 2 days to rest and nourish this precious being and hope she will grow and feel the love I have for her already. God, please give me this gift. I will cherish and protect her with all my heart and soul. I have faith in you to protect and guide me toward the light.
