#truth #perfectionisnotreal
PEOPLE AMAZE ME! Both good and bad, but mostly good. We arrived home from our final summer hoorah in Okoboji Monday afternoon and the first thing Clint noticed was our missing pinwheels from the front yard. We both stared at each other thinking, there is NO WAY someone would steal our pinwheels. How could someone be that heartless after all we've been through. Maybe the lawn service had to take them down to mow. We looked all around the house, and no pinwheels. We then decided to search through our RING videos to see if we could find out what happened. It didn't take us long to find the video showing what looked like a teenage girl, parking behind the POD in our driveway and running up and taking them. It happened on a Tuesday morning at 2:42am. What a weird time for teenage girls to be out and about. After watching the video over and over, I decided to post it on Facebook. What could it hurt, maybe someone would recognize the girl and make them aware of the significance of what they had done by telling our tragic story of losing our angel, Aspen. Well that was the beginning of something truly amazing. I realized I wasn't the alone in my disgust, but so many friends on Facebook and so many people who I did not personally know, took that video and shared it. Shared it over and over and over. People were pissed! Once again my heart was humbled by the outpouring of support for our family. Just incredible it is to see once again the rallying around our sweet boy! Makes my heart literally smile and I know it makes him realize what an impact he really had during his short time on this earth!! In case you haven't seen the video, it's attached. All I want is to bring my pinwheels home and hopefully have the girls who took them learn this valuable life lesson, that you never really know what people are dealing with. In a world filled with so much sadness, it's always best to choose to do the right thing, be kind and make our world a little better in the process. #pinwheelsforaspen
I took a break from blogging. There was no specific rhyme or reason at the time. One day I decided to take a break and then the days turned into weeks, which turned to months. It's weird how the journey through grief is. Blogging in the beginning was my savior that gave me an outlet to express my feelings with reckless abandon. It was a survival mechanism for me. On the days I felt completely lost with little will to go on, I had an outlet. It truly got me through my darkest days. I think when I realized I was pregnant, I decided involuntarily that my focus should be on the new life growing inside of me and not focused on what would forever be missing in my life. I had to give every ounce of my energy to the precious miracle that was gifted to me from above.
My pregnancy was blissful, except for the weight gain. I was obsessed with Chocolate Chip muffins and pretty much anything in the cheese family. I could tell this pregnancy was going to be different from when I was pregnant with the boys. My blood pressure was perfect every doctor visit, which was definitely different from my prior pregnancies. The baby was measuring perfectly throughout and passed all of the scary tests that us girl's suffering from AMA (advanced maternal age) stress about. Jenner was over-the-moon to be having a baby sister and as each month went on, he seemed to get more giddy. Vail was due on October 11th, but I had planned to be induced on October 4th. She had other plans. I went to the doctor for my weekly check on Monday, September 11th. All looked great! No issues, but I didn't feel right. I was more tired than normal and had a bad headache. I decided to stay home from my mom's grief group meeting and just rest. All day Tuesday I just felt off and still had a headache. By Wednesday evening, I could tell something wasn't right. I felt like my blood pressure was on the rise and decided to take my blood pressure. Sure enough it was 179/85 which was much higher than it had been. I laid down on my side to see if I could get it to come down. Instead of coming down it started to increase. I took it every hour and finally decided to contact the on-call doctor to find out if I should come in to be checked out. It was 3am when the doctor finally called me back and told me to come in. We loaded Jenner in the car and headed to the Women's Hospital. Thankfully it's only 5 minutes from our house. When I got in they ran some tests and immediately admitted me to the labor and delivery floor where they began the induction process. Apparently I was severely pre-eclamptic to the point where it may have not been possible to get an epidural. This alone terrified me beyond. I never even contemplated having a baby without an epidural. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Was I going to die and leave Jenner without a mom? How selfish was I to want another baby even though I was doing it to give Jenner another sibling? They began a magnesium drip to help prevent seizures. This was quite possibly the worst thing I've ever experienced. I couldn't open my eyes and felt like I was literally dying. My blood pressure dropped so low that all I could hear was the nurse telling me not to worry, that they could use as much of the ephedrine to get my blood pressure stabilized. I went from crazy high to crazy low in a matter of an hour of the magnesium kicking in. Vail came into the world the afternoon of September 14th. 4 weeks early. She was perfect. Small, but perfect. She weighed in at 5 lbs. 9 oz.. I wasn't allowed to be alone with her because I needed to remain on the magnesium for 24 hours and it makes you feel completely out of it. I felt miserable, but as soon as they turned off the magnesium, I immediately felt better and was able to hold her.
We were released from the hospital on September 16th. As crazy as it sounds, all seemed right with the world again. At least in that moment. We were once again a family of four. I prayed to Aspen and thanked him for taking care of me and told him how much I wished he could be here physically again so I could hold him and hug him. I had no idea what having another baby after losing one of the most precious angels in my life would feel like. She is such a blessing, but definitely not a replacement for Aspen!
As 2018 begins, I've made it my mission to live in the moment. To be present for my family and friends more than I ever have. I have leaned on everyone for the past year and a half after losing Aspen and could not have gotten through without the incredible support. The beginning to this year feels different than 2017 and although I am starting this new year still missing Aspen with every fiber of my being, I have a new sense of hope. A beginning to a new chapter of a book where the story and the ending are still yet to be determined, but I have always believed in Fairy Tales with happy endings. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As Easter approaches, I can't help but reflect on the past. I always get extra sad and emotional with each holiday. All of the happy memories come flooding back and then the reality of what will never be also hits me. I watch Ava getting so excited about coloring Easter eggs and remember how much fun Aspen used to have every holiday. He loved coloring Easter eggs and of course racing Jenner around the yard trying to find more than his big brother. Oh and the candy. He loved candy. We went to an Easter celebration last year where there were lots of fun things for the kids, including the Easter Bunny. He had no interest in any of it and was glued to my side as he always was at public gatherings. Oh and the Easter Bunny photos last year were hilarious. Jenner struggled to keep him on his lap while Aspen was trying to reach for me. I will cherish that picture forever. I can tell Jenner is sad as he's been watching shows that Aspen loved, Paw Patrol, Tom & Jerry's Wizard of Oz and Curious George. He's been bringing him up a lot more lately too, which I love! I still haven't pulled out our Easter decorations - it's too much for me, but I know it's only a matter of time, before I have to go hunting for Jenner's Easter basket. Aspen and Jenner had matching baskets. I remember back to Christmas when we decided to put Aspen's stocking out, I feel like I need to do the same for Easter. I don't ever want Aspen to feel like he is being left out - he will always be part of our family. I pray that I can bring a smile to the weekend and not be as sad and depressed as I was over Christmas. We have a lot to be thankful for and that is what I'm going to focus on.
Can it really be 9 months since you left us? It feels like it was just yesterday we were waking up side-by-side; getting Jenner ready for school. My heart has been aching these past few weeks more than ever for some reason. I think the trip to Colorado without you, started the slide, but it's not getting better. We had my family over for dinner on Monday and the first thing Ava did when she came in the door, was go to the picture of us with Aspen on the coffee table. She sat down, put her hand on the frame where Aspen's hand was and started talking to him. I immediately burst into tears. She misses him too! It seems everyone is having a rough few weeks, not that every week isn't hard, but for some reason, the hope of the new baby brought us all a little peace for a while anyway. Jenner woke up crying on Monday and told me that he had a bad weekend and was so sad, missing Aspen. He has never done that before. He was so quiet over the weekend - I sensed he was sad. We went to Adam and Katie's for dinner Sunday and although there were a ton of kids there, they all had a sibling present, where Jenner did not. I truly think that gets him to his core! He misses having a brother to play with, sleep with and just be with. He feels left out not having a sibling. I embraced the fact that he was actually talking to me about what was bothering him and told him, I'd let him take a mental health day where we could just hang out and regroup a bit. Everyone needs a mental health day once in awhile - God knows I've taken way more than my share over the past 9 months! He deserved to have one too! We spent the day running a few errands and picking out new flowers to decorate Aspen's grave. It was a beautiful day Monday, but Jenner won't go to Aspen's grave, and I understand. I don't like it either - I actually despise it, but I force myself to go so I can make things look pretty for the new season. I think the change of seasons are so hard. I remember back to last year, gearing up for the spring game and Easter. Decorating the house, which both boys love to do. I can't help, but think about if I had only known how short the time I had left with Aspen, I wouldn't have done so many date nights, adult trips and would have spent every single second with my angel. I spent the entire day before his accident golfing with friends. It makes me sad that I didn't even spend the day before he left us with him. And it's just so difficult to comprehend that the year of his passing is fast approaching and it literally seems like yesterday when I was screaming in terror trying to find my baby in the water. The never ending nightmare that will forever haunt me.
I've done my very best since January, to pull myself out of the deep depression I was in over the 2016 holidays to focus my thoughts on new beginnings for our family. I feel so blessed to be pregnant, but my sadness continues as I remember the precious memories of Aspen and what an amazing boy he was. I would give anything in the world to have him back. Absolutely anything. I pray to God every night that he protects Aspen in Heaven, just like I used to pray when Aspen was alive that God protect both my kids and my family and friends. I still want him to be safe in Heaven even though that sounds so weird to say. He is still my baby and will always be. No one can take that away from me. Buddy, mommy loves you so much and will never stop! Mommy misses you so much sweet boy!
I received not the greatest news on Monday in terms of my labs for Colorado. For some reason, my levels dropped considerably from the week before and the nurse from Colorado seemed very concerned on the phone. We ended up increasing my progesterone shots to once per day, to see if that helps. I cancelled all my plans yesterday and just laid in bed with my feet propped up. So nervous that at any moment I could start to miscarry this precious little being. I wasn't taking any chances. I went in first thing this morning for more labs and then at 10:30am, we had our 2nd ultrasound scheduled. I was so nervous. I prayed all day yesterday, last night and today for God to give us good news. It seemed like it took forever for them to call my name to come back. When they finally did the ultrasound, I could immediately see her little heart beating on the screen - 160 bpm exclaimed the nurse. WHEW! I could relax again! She also has started to grow here little arms and legs - Jenner will be excited to know that she now officially looks like a gummy bear instead of a grape as we discussed last night. He is over-the-moon with excitement and already has her name picked out "Dawn". After the Nickelodeon show Nicky Ricky Dicky and Dawn. That's not going to happen obviously. My little girl will not be named after a cable network program. Jenner gets so mad when I tell him that I get to choose the name. He tells me that I ALWAYS get to pick the names. I remind him, that when he's old enough to be a daddy someday, he can choose his own baby names. We are off to Colorado tomorrow for Spring Break. I know this is going to be a bittersweet trip given the last time we were at Copper, Aspen was with us and it was so much fun! I am going to take time to do a lot of journaling, saving pins on Pinterest, reading and in between, work on our taxes and start buying things for the new house in terms of lighting, fixtures, etc.. Since I'm not able to partake in any of the mountain fun, i.e., skiing, tubing, snowmobiling, cocktailing, hot tubbing, etc. This trip will be all about relaxing, reading, pinning, reflecting and cooking. Hope everyone has a blessed week! I'm ready to get to our happy place (the mountains) and enjoy our family and friends.
