I'll love you forever....
2:59 PM
I feel like I can officially put a checkmark after Thanksgiving has come to a close. Another one down, and a ton to go. The firsts are absolutely the very worst. I spent all day staring into space. I didn't help with anything, which I rarely do, but I just did not have a shred of energy to get out of my chair. I just stared into nowhere wondering if Aspen was in Heaven having Thanksgiving or if he was in the empty chair that we had left for him.
Jenner doesn't like to talk much about Aspen, but these past few weeks he's mentioned him more and more. Maybe it's because I do my best to hold myself together when he mentions something, so he won't be afraid to bring him up. I think for awhile when he would mention something, I'd break into tears. Now I just stay focused on the fact that he is talking and being open to talking about him like he was real. Yesterday we were sitting quietly and he said, "Mom, Christmas is going to be rough on me." I just quietly said, "because Aspen won't be here?" He answered, "yes." He kind of left it at that. I went on to explain, that I appreciated him telling me that and told him to start thinking of different ways we can change up Christmas this year. I've already scheduled Santa to come to a little party we are having in Aspen's honor. Traditionally since Jenner was 3, Santa has come to the house and we've invited close friends and family for a cookies and Santa party. Not this year. It feels like yesterday that Santa was ringing our doorbell and the kids were running around screaming loudly, so excited Santa actually came to our house again. I would also like to spend the night at the hunting cabin this year. I can't stay here and do our typical routine. We always host my family on Christmas morning here and it's been so fun. It's so weird how a year can seem like yesterday. I remember every minute of that day as we were also celebrating Aspen's 3rd birthday since we all had the flu on his actual birthday. He was SO excited for his Mickey Mouse cake and gifts. He got spatulas and whisks along with some other kitchen stuff. Aspen loved to cook for me and especially for grandma and Ava. It's interesting, there are some days when I want to go through and purge toys, and other items that remind me too much of Aspen, and other days, I don't want to let go of anything related to him. I imagine that is a common feeling. What do we do this year in terms of hanging stockings? We no longer hang our dog, Roscoe's stocking, but I just don't want Aspen to be left out. I realize he's not physically with us, but if he is with us in spirit, I don't want him to feel left out if his stocking isn't hung. I know that sounds so crazy, but I always want him to know that this is his home and we haven't forgotten him. Kinda like the empty chair at Thanksgiving. I want him to know he is welcome, even if it's just his spirit.
Yesterday Jenner and I went to Hobby Lobby to get some things for Aspen's party. Green balloons, green paper to make handmade pinwheels, glitter, paint, and some ornaments for Aspen's Christmas Tree. We walked in the door and into the kitchen. At that very moment, our family picture fell off the wall. It just fell for no reason. Jenner said, "Mom that was Aspen". I went over and tried to hang the canvas back on the wall. It fell again. It continued to fall three more times, before I decided to get a different nail. In my heart, I know it was him. Rebecca Rosen asked us in our first private reading if there was a picture that kept falling. At that time, there was a picture in my office that kept falling. Maybe this is one of our signs now to show us he is here. We were at breakfast today and Trisha told me that Jenner told her that if he could have all the money in the world, he would give it to God in Heaven so we could have Aspen back. UGH. Aspen is on all of our minds constantly. To be honest, there is rarely a minute that goes by that he does not enter my mind. I just can't help it. I want him back so badly too. I miss everything about him, even his temper tantrums.
I'm off to take on my next challenge....decorating for Christmas. I have no motivation to do it this year, but I'm doing it for Jenner. And Aspen, if you're listening, please give me strength to do this without tears. And while you're at it, please send us some signs - feel free to let an ornament fall randomly or any other little thing that will trigger a sense of you being present. And never forget what mommy always read to you and which will remain true until eternity....
2 comments
I don't know you but reading your post has really touched me. I am sending you hugs & prayers that you will find the strength to get through this "first" Christmas. Not just for Jenner but for you as well. I will be sure to send up some extra prayers for strength for Aspens heavenly birthday too!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Dawn for your sweet words. I want you to know how much people like you keep us going when we feel like we do not have another ounce of strength to keep going. Xoxo
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