Coping with the Loss of a Child

1st Ultrasound

11:11 PM

It was with nervous anticipation we had our first ultrasound today. So many things can happen in the first trimester of pregnancy, so we were trying to approach every test with caution for fear our hearts could break at any moment given the possibility of bad news. We have tried to remain positive and give everything up to God. We were pleasantly surprised to see that our little girl has a heartbeat, albeit very low, it was there! She is measuring where she should be and we are on track. Another ultrasound on March 2nd, will give us more information on whether her heart rate is increasing. Praying God protects this little life now and forever!


Angel Baby

If I Only Had A Spray

1:53 PM

I started my Friday with so much hope for a warm, fun-filled weekend. We bought tickets to the new Lego Bat Man movie that Jenner has been looking forward to since he saw the trailer for the first time. He woke up Friday and you would have thought it was Christmas morning. He was so excited!  I woke up with a scratchy throat and a headache. I took extra vitamin C and some black elderberry thinking it must just be the start of a cold. As the day wore on, I felt so tired. Abnormally tired. I laid down hoping to rally for the evening. I ended up staying home and went to bed early. I woke up Saturday feeling terrible. I immediately went to urgent care thinking I had strep given how sore my throat was. Tested negative for strep and was told it was probably a virus that would have to run its course. I came home and went immediately back to bed. Missed Jenner's basketball game and the Valentine's Day party that evening. By Sunday, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I felt worse than the past two days prior. I had been running a low grade fever but now the Tylenol wasn't helping. It hit me that I probably had the flu. I contacted the after hours line at CCRM and the nurse prescribed Tamiflu but told me to go to the ER and get tested as if I was positive, Clint and Jenner would also need to be treated as soon as possible. My mom came over to be with Jenner while Clint and I went in. You could see he look of concern on Jenner's face about me and the baby. He actually said, "mom if this baby doesn't work, you promised to keep trying, right?" My poor sweet boy. Will he always have this new layer of stress lying underneath, waiting to come out at any sign of distress? Is this really our new reality? He's far too young to carry this heavy burden of life. Has he been robbed of his youth and the carefree nature of what being a kid really should be? Breaks my heart to think that may be the case now!

We arrived back home around 10pm. Jenner was in bed asleep. My mom told me that he was worried I was going to have to spend the night at the hospital. She also shard something he told her before he said his prayers. He said, "Grandma, I wish I had a spray."  "What kind of spray?"asked my mom. He responded, "A spray that would go back and prevent Aspen from going to the beach that day.  I miss him so much and wish he could come back to us."  My mom simply agreed with Jenner and told him that Aspen can't come back to us as much as we all wish he could. He's in Heaven now. They then said prayers and Jenner fell asleep. My heart breaks for my sweet, Jenner. It is clear Aspen is on his mind all the time even though he's probably too afraid to bring it up to Clint or myself for fear it will make us sad. 

I received a call from the ER today. I officially have influenza b which means Jenner and Clint will also need to be treated.I pray that God protects my family and our baby as having the flu and a fever while newly pregnant can be very dangerous to the baby. 

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  Please be respectful of others and stay home if you are sick. You may not realize the negative impact you could have on another person, especially if they have a compromised immune system. It's not okay! Stay home! No social event, work project or errand is worth potentially infecting others. Off my soapbox. 


1111

Grow Baby, Grow

10:49 AM



Grow baby, grow!  I went in super early this morning as I couldn't sleep very well worrying about my labs today. I just got my Beta results - she's at 2,874 up from 118 last Friday. She is growing which makes my entire week! So thrilled that this little peanut is progressing! Next big step is 2/20 when we do the ultrasound to detect the heartbeat! Thank you for all of your continued prayers - we feel so blessed to be on this path. The very best early Valentine's Day gift we could possibly have imagined! Have a blessed weekend!

1111

Baby Steps

2:37 PM



Tomorrow is another big day. Another set of labs to see how things are progressing. I pray that our little girl is growing. Starting out with low numbers can mean a lot of things, but there are tons of success stories where beta numbers start low and they end up with a healthy baby. Still, I'm a natural born worrier, even before Aspen's accident so it's inherent for me to have a little anxiousness going into tomorrow. Wanting something so much, doesn't help the anxiety. Only God knows what his plan is for our future. I continue to put my faith in him and the journey that he sets forth for our family. Praying so hard for good results tomorrow. If all goes well tomorrow, the next step is an ultrasound on February 20th to detect the heartbeat. That's a big milestone. I'm trying to to stay focused on getting our house packed to put on the market in March. A lot of big changes are on the horizon, all good, but they all come with so much emotion. Aspen spent his entire life in this house, so Clint and I both have so many mixed emotions about leaving here. I think we both know it's what is best for our family going forward as I still can't even go in the backyard, much less, use the beach and the lake like we used to. We will miss our neighbors so much as our West Shores community has more than wrapped their loving arms around our family and we will never forget the comfort they brought to us during the worst time of our lives. On that note, if anyone is looking for a modern ranch on a lake with amazing neighbors, let me know. Our plan is to put it on the market in mid-March. 

Another Step

4:16 PM



I had my second Beta (HCG) today and our sweet baby girl over tripled her first Beta from Wednesday.  She went from 32 to 118. It might have been the best news I've heard in over 7 months! I had taken another home pregnancy test last night and it took forever for the 2nd line to appear. I broke down in tears and so did Clint. We both just sat and cried thinking we were losing our precious girl after only 2 days of knowing she was even possible. I woke up this morning and rushed to the lab to get more blood drawn. I was thrilled to learn of the numbers from my Omaha doctor's nurse. I cried tears of joy today and continue to do off and on as I still can't believe this is real. I know there is such power in prayer. This is a true testament! I am so appreciative for the constant prayers and outpouring of support from friends, family and those individuals we don't even know personally. You've made this possible for us and we will be forever grateful for your continued prayers! This too is a journey and there are several milestones still to reach. Obviously our baby girl is a fighter, which makes me so proud! I love her so much already and can't wait to chronicle a new journey - one of hope instead of one of utter sadness.  GOD IS GOOD! 

The TEST

11:11 AM



Today was the day we found out if our transfer took.  I've literally taken over 15 home pregnancy tests since last Thursday even though they tell you not to. I've realized more than ever, my patience is very, very limited! I dropped the kids off at school today and rushed to the Women's Hospital Lab where they drew my blood. I asked the girl if she knew how long it would take to get results. She said an hour to an hour and a half. I ran some errands and then couldn't wait any longer, so I called my doctor's office here in Omaha. The nurse had sent me something through the portal, but I hadn't checked my email. She shared with me that the test was positive, but that my HCG level was low - 32. When I spoke with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday, he told me he wanted it to be over 50. My heart sank. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for this moment as I'm officially carrying a life inside me again, which I honestly never thought was going to happen at all. I am thankful for this. I asked 1,000 questions of the nurse here and then spoke to the nurse at CCRM. She reassured me that she has seen girls have successful pregnancies even when they start with a low HCG level. I will go back Friday and hope that my levels at a minimum double. I have cleared my schedule the next 2 days to rest and nourish this precious being and hope she will grow and feel the love I have for her already. God, please give me this gift. I will cherish and protect her with all my heart and soul. I have faith in you to protect and guide me toward the light.